I'm a terrible person

I just pushed my mom because I got mad at her for staring at my food.
I need to go back to therapy. :(

Agita

I'm busting out of my clothes and my bra is bugging me and it's giving me angst.
I don't want to stay in the apartment, it makes me sad to be alone and angry that it's not right.
I'm sad that we can't have a good family evening before my sister and Mike leaves.
I'm worried she will have an allergic reaction to the apartment.
I think she's going to flake on coming back.
My stomach hurts and I'm tired of that.
I desperately want to be skinny but I can't stop eating.
I know I should but I just can't. :(
I'm sad and anxious and the Xanax didn't help.
I hope I don't spiral into a depression or a serious binge fest.
I know I can change, but it just feels so hard right now.

still angry

I'm really angry at my sister right now. She's done nothing for my family since she's been here. She asked me to go to the drug store for her, she drank my sodas I bought for myself and now she's bailing on dinner to go to the spa and didn't even ask if I wanted to go. She's leaving to go home and i bet she wont come back for a while. And when she does she'll say she cant stay in the apartment my dad is paying bank for because of the smell. In the meantime, I'm cleaning it, arguing with the landlord, trying to make it ok. She does nothing except.sleep and try to make us watch videos she likes and gets mad when we don't want to. And then accuses me of bad behavior when I have to excuse myself because I'm too full of emotions to deal with her and my parents. And then I feel selfish if I want to work out or go to the pool. And on top of all this I have a ton of work shit to do that I don't want to do and what I realy need to do is sleep but I can't stand being in the bed in the apartment because of the smell. It's no wonder I'm so fat because all I find solace in is sunsets ( no more.sunrises in the new apt) and food. I want to complain to anyone who can listen but that seems unfair and unkind.


just had a nasty phone call with my sister and she's mad at me and vice versa. I am so poised at her that she is so selfish and just blames it on her illness. And when I try to do the same, I'm just an awful person who needs to get my head out of my ass.


I want our family to like each other. Why can't we?

In an angry mood

I'm pissed that my dad is dying but right now I'm mad at him. He ate the cake I've been waiting to eat for days. Argh. Oh well, guess it's the universe's way of saying I'm eating too much and to stop it already.

I'm also pissed that we just circle around each other all day. What a waste of time for Mike to be in Hawaii, doing nothing he'd like to be doing like diving or getting a massage. Ok, we did go to Zippy's for lunch but that's not really something he wanted to do, he was just hungry. And because A was so fucking lazy and couldn't get out of bed all day, we were late to go to the place he really wanted to go and then it closed.

I'm mad at my mom for giving away the food I gave to her for her birthday. I think I'll take back the food gift I gave her for Xmas. She won't eat it anyway. What a waste of money.

I'm mad that I have to sleep in a smelly apartment in smelly sheets and that I'm the one who has to deal with the f'ing landlord who is starting to be a dick because I'm asking for stuff to be fixed. For the amount he's charging, I should be asking for way more. Especially since we're doing each other a MUTUAL favor with this short term lease.

I'm angry that I feel guilty when I go do stuff for myself, but everyone just thinks I'm selfish because I'm working out or going to yoga or wanting to GO DO SOMETHING!!! outside of this building. Am I the only one who likes fresh air and sunshine and interacting with the world? It certainly seems like it.

And of course, I'm pissed at myself that I keep eating, even though I want to be skinny, thin, fit, have awesome arms and no cellulite. Eating is my refuge, my respite, and also my nemesis.

Someday this will change I hope to be less angry. For now, I'm just pissed off.

I'm on a tear

Both with eating and writing.

After my "too much lunch" I did "too much dinner" and then I bought ice cream at the store when I had to go pick up ginger ale and saltines for my dad. I ate the whole pint. Oh well.

Having a hard time watching my dad suffer. I'm worried he'll get really sick from the pain meds (like he said happened last time) and that I'll have to help clean up. Phobia alert, can't deal, ack, ugh, urg. I'm going to be sad and disappointed if Christmas sucks because he can't get out of bed or feels awful. I don't want this to be my last memory of holidays with him.

We went to a service at their church last night called Blue Christmas which is for people who have had losses in their lives that make the holidays tough for them. I felt out of place with candle lighting and memory tags because I haven't really had that much loss in my life yet. I saved the tag for next year, and lit the candle in affirmation of hope that our family will make it through this hard time with grace.

I feel kind of sick right now. Maybe that stuffed feeling is probably masking my real pain... blah blah blah. I willingly ate what I ate tonight, and while ED is beating me up in my head, I'm also sort of ok with it. And it's not like I'm going to go eat everything else in the fridge or freezer tonight. And that's a step in the right direction.

Stress eating

My dad got home from his procedure, in pain and kind of down. They put in the stents but didn't remove the nephrostomy tubes, he's wearing Depends and peeing blood. He's queasy but wants to take pain meds and I'm worried it will make him sick. I'm so phobic about barfing that I just want to run away right now. I'm horrible about taking care of people. I've never liked being around sick people and I'm not very compassionate when it comes to this stuff.

I had a terrible stomach ache all day and finally decided I should eat something, so I had a bowl of leftovers... and then another... and another. I knew I shouldn't be doing it, but I did anyway. And now my mom wants to cook dinner soon. Ugh. I guess I don't have to eat it, but I'm having a thing about clearing out the fridge of all the crap in there so we have room for Christmas food.

I'm worried that my dad is going to feel crappy all through Christmas and this will be the first Christmas that's kind of depressing because he feels yucky and it's going to be his last Christmas (most likely). It's not the Christmas memories I want to have.

But I'm trying to let it go and try not to control everything. The food will be the food, the presents are the presents I have and we'll just have to roll with the punches as they come. Our poor family is going through so much (Dad's cancer, Mom's memory, Alexandra's physical and mental issues, Mike's mom's cancer/sister's a-hole husband/brother's GF might have a brain tumor, Peanut is having health issues and might have to be put to sleep), and it feels like this holiday is just going to be hard.

I know I shouldn't take it out of food. But that's my thing. :p

My brain is gray like the day

It's gray and rainy here today, forecasted for this weather through Christmas. My dad is at the hospital for a procedure to try to get rid of the tubes in his back, but none of us are hopeful it will succeed. I'm worried he'll be sick and out of it for Christmas Eve. My sister is stressed out about coming, her husband's family is also having lots of health issues to deal with, and while I want them to come for Xmas, having them come also complicates lodging and the family dynamic. My guts are in knots, probably because I ate lots of dim sum on Saturday (but eff it, I'm still going to eat what I want in moderation while I'm here) and I'm sad that I had to buy new bras, underwear and clothes to fit my expanding frame. I'm trying to take it in stride. I let myself sleep more this morning, and now I'm trying to plan my day... working out? shopping? watching TV? Don't know yet. I certainly can't go to the beach or to the pool to get some sun! But I know that this is just something to process through and to acknowledge the feelings and then move ahead. Sometimes it's just easier to make myself busy busy but then I guess that's when I end up eating to cope. A friend of mine said she's been more depressed lately and it seeking some "chemical" support. I've though about it, but that feels like a crutch just like the food.

I have forced myself to start eating my binge foods in front of my parents in hopes that they become less stigmatized for me, but it doesn't necessarily keep me from overeating. And I still sneak food a bit. But, it's a step that feels positive to me. Maybe if I can take little steps like this - and eating more things I want to eat while still respecting my body - that the "when" I conquer this dumb ED/CE disease will come faster. I hope so. 2015 is looking to be a tumultuous year, and I need to figure out how to manage through it all.

Ok, off to start my day... at 10:00 a.m. My gray brain says slacker, but the wiser me says I'm just cutting myself some slack...

Mom Anxiety

Being around my mom gives me major food stress. She doesn't eat much, is super skinny and is very passive aggressive about cooking. I hate that she is so slow about serving herself, and that barely eats and that she doesn't even sit all the way on the chair, as if she's ready to bolt off any minute. She either cooks waaaaay too much food or so cooks so little that she seems to imply what portions I should be eating. I lost it the night she cooked two small steaks and one baked potato for three people to eat.

I'm angry at her because she is so thin, and it reminds me that I am super pudgy right now.
I'm mad at the world because her memory sucks and she frustrates me and my dad with her forgetfulness.
I'm sad because she can't express how she feels about my dad's illness and the loss she is going to suffer when he dies.
I'm frustrated by her seeming to judge what I do and how I do it.

And most of all I'm pissed at myself for letting all of this cause me anxiety that makes me eat. I'm trying to let it go, be kind to myself and be ok with being overweight for right now. Someday I'll get a handle on this, I'll learn how to express my own emotions, not stuff them down with food. Until then, I'm trying to remind myself to be patient with her, and with my feelings. I hope they subside.

Trying something new

It doesn't seem like my attempts to not binge are going that well... Clothes getting tighter... Exercise need ramping up. ED voice loud. But I am trying to be nice to myself, not be so negative in my head. I'm hoping it will make something change inside of me but it's hard. The knee jerk reaction is to say mean things to myself, to beat myself up. I feel mental anguish when my physicality feels bad...clothes too tight, plodding along on a run.... And the voice says that I'm a failure, that I should punish myself. I know I am punishing myself with food by I also have to admit I like eating. At some point I'll hate being fat more. Until then I'll try this being kind to myself thing to see if it makes any difference.

Willful eating

Yes, I've read all about mindful eating. Today was full of willful eating instead. I'm almost embarrassed to write this down, but I felt like I need to to be accountable and to have a record of all the ways this ED is getting to me.

It started with breakfast. We did go to Zippy's and I was pissed because I wanted French Toast but didn't feel like I could/should order it. So I had rice and Portuguese sausage... aaaand part of my dad's bacon and hashbrowns. Sigh.

We looked at the bakery and I saw a bunch of stuff in the case I wanted to eat. As well as a cake I wanted to order for Christmas since my dad said he liked it (food is love after all :p). Even as we were driving out of the parking lot I was hatching a plan to come back and order the cake and maybe have a pastry.

After a very frustrating shopping trip with my mom, which made me frustrated with myself because I couldn't contain my irritation with her, I dropped her off and walked to the Zippy's. I ordered the cake and three pastries: a filled malasada, a flaky donut and some other thing that was new to me (my excuse for ordering it). I ate half of each while walking to the Walgreen's to get photos when I happened upon a shave ice/ice cream shop that had vegan ice cream. Coco monkey and lilikoi banana pineapple were sampled and then two scoops put in a bowl. I highly enjoyed that ice cream while walking to my next errands.

A friend came to visit my mom and dad and when snacks were put out, even though I wasn't really hungry I ate plenty of hummus, rice crackers, apples and also drank a bit of wine. Then it was time for dinner. I said to myself that I needed "real food" so I had some soup and salad. I wasn't feeling satisfied so I had half a toasted tortilla.

Then I was being drawn to the pastries again. I made the excuse to eat the malasada saying the cream would go bad. Then I ate more the donut and picked at the no-name pastry. Right now I'm hoping that my parents go to bed soon so I can heat up and put some jam on no-name.

All this while I'm feeling my skin expand, I look in mild disgust at the fat by my elbow, and worry that my clothes really won't fit tomorrow. I'm feeling a little helpless in all this, but still petulant like a kid who doesn't want to be told what to do. Willful eating, not mindful.

doing nothing

I like this post by Martha Beck: http://marthabeck.com/2012/02/making-time-for-nothing/

I need to fill my time not with surfing the internet, eating or watching TV but with doing nothing and being ok with it.

Eating, just eating

Kind of hard day today... went shopping with my dad and he was so tired and sort of loopy towards the end. I left him in the car to run a last errand and when I got back, I could see he had been crying. At dinner he said his memory was getting bad and that he thought it was part of the cancer and that he hated it. He later said he hated having the tubes and the bags and that he never wanted any of it. I wonder if he would have let himself die of kidney failure if Christmas hadn't been coming up. We tried to let my mom practice changing his tape after he showered and he was getting frustrated at how slow she was and how she wasn't quite getting it. So I saw tears coming out of his eyes as he laid on the bed waiting for us to get finished. I rubbed his arm a bit, but I'm not sure if that helped - this is the part I'm so bad at. The emotional stuff. He's better at it, being able to hug me when he caught me crying (about being fat and feeling I don't have any control over my awful ED) and console me until I pulled myself together. I feel like I'm learning how to be parent to my parents only they are cognizant of their need to be parented, unlike babies who don't know any better. It's weird and distressing to me, but I want to help both of them so I'm trying to get better at it. I think the physical side and the emotional piece are going to get harder and harder as my dad gets closer to death. I'm not sure I'll be able to handle it, but I'm going to try.

I was doing ok with eating the last few days, at least not bingeing and I was proud of myself and happy to see the numbers on the scale not going up again. But I blew it tonight. Ate too many chips after the shopping trip, ate too much dinner because it tasted good and my mom makes way too much food sometimes (although the times she makes too little, that irritates me too because I feel like she's making some comment about how much I should be eating), and then I ate too many pineapple spears. The final piece of lack of self control was that I brushed my teeth and flossed, but then fell asleep on the couch watching TV. When I got up, in a bit of haze I dove into the nut butters and a sunbutter bar. Ugh. Big backslide.

We have to go out tomorrow morning because the cleaning lady is coming and so we're going to brunch at Zippy's, a Denny's-like restaurant that's super popular in Hawaii. I want the sweet bread French toast, but that's a no-no since it's full of allergy foods, so I'll probably have rice and some piece of meat (also probably laden with allergy ingredients) instead and then I'll be pissed because I couldn't have what I really wanted. I've been trying to be less rigid about food and I do have mild symptoms because of it, but I'm not sure my system can deal with the bread. But I desperately want to eat it. Isn't that sad? I wish I didn't care. But I do. I want to eat what I want to eat, but I can't anymore. Anymore than I can keep my dad from croaking. I hate not having control over my life, my disease, my body. It scares me that I'm going to die from inflammation that turns into cancer or some other disease, but then I think I should just eat what I want instead of living forever and succumbing to whatever dementia my mom has. No matter what the path, it doesn't seem like a good option.

But, to not end on a horribly depressing note, I am glad to be here to help my dad and my mom and to spend time with them. It's hard, but I think it's worth it. And I think someday I'll learn how to stop all this overeating, bingeing, stuffing down feelings with food and being angry about my lot. It's just taking longer than I want it to. I just can't lose hope that it will happen. I hope the universe is hearing my requests for help and to bring grace and peace to me and my family.

Off to bed now... I think tomorrow may be a hard day and I need to not be tired.

So fat, so sad

I hate my body right now, my fat legs, the roll on my stomach, the lumps on my thighs, my too big boobs, my blobby arms. I can't stand the way I look and feel. I know the answer is to stop eating but I'm having such a hard time with that. I keep telling myself that I'm learning and I'm practicing but really I feel like I'm failing. I'm trying to write, text people, call friends, etc. I've been trying a bit more to figure out if I need to sleep or read to combat the urge to eat. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Tonight I obsessed about eating chocolate, but didn't. At least not yet.

I cried today about being so pudgy and doughy and my dad found me in my bedroom crying while looking out the window at a rainbow. I'm glad he didn't ask why I was crying because "I hate being fat" is a terrible answer while he's dying. I suppose the fatness is linked to the food which is linked to my unhappiness about him dying (and my mom being so memory challenged) but at the surface, the emotions are about how awful I look and feel in my clothes and in my skin. I don't know how to "feel" my emotions any more than I do without turning into a hot mess every single hour of the day.

P.S. I bought a bigger bra because mine don't fit anymore but I can't bring myself to take it out of the box or wash it because it feels like I'm giving up and admitting I have no control over this.

Food anxiety makes Francesca grumpy

I'm having anxiety again about eating too much... what to eat, when to eat... I hate watching people eat, I hate hearing people eat.

I'm trying to figure out how to cope without turning to food. It would be so much easier to not eat. Once I start, I don't want to stop.

Right now I'm struggling with wanting to stuff myself full of food. Turkey that I spent $ on that's going to spoil (like the other deli meat that's spoiled in my parents' fridge because I buy stuff that's not full of chemical preservatives). Toast that's yummy, warm and comforting (which I'm eating right now, actually). I can feel my pulse rising and my breathing shallowing because I want to eat but I know it's a danger area for me, and because I feel guilty about it.

Tonight we are going out to dinner and I hope it's pleasant. I've decided that I don't want to make a big deal out of my food sensitivities and I hope my mom doesn't either. I hope that don't have a meltdown when I get home for some reason and binge.

Someday I want to just feel happy about food again. Not all this anxiety. I want to stop stuffing my face all the time, and I want to eat more healthily. I just don't think now is the time since I keep making plans to diet and eat better and I keep blowing it. It just seems like some form of self-flagellation to keep that self-destructive cycle going....

I hate that I'm like this right now. It takes away from my time with my parents. I'm not present because I'm thinking about food, food issues, etc. I know my ED is taking a negative toll and I'm working towards changing my habits, but it's so so hard.

triggers galore

such a yucky day... So many triggers....
food at Costco
my mom being stingy about buying food I want
watching ballerinas in halter tops and remembering how I used to be that thin once
seeing women thinner than me at the beach
seeing the fat rolls on my stomach in my bikini
talking to my mom about dinner
stores not having the food i want
watching my parents eat
seeing how thin my parents are
seeing all the fat people here and worrying I'll look like them someday
my friends not understanding my ED and giving lame advice like exercise more.and eat less


ugh

Bad binge and fallout

Yesterday I was anxious all day. Not sure why. Maybe it was only getting give hours of sleep. Maybe it was being gone for to long and feeling guilty about it. Maybe it was feeling the pressure of having no place for us to stay since our free house fell through. I don't like watching my dad fail physically and now mentally. I don't lie seeing my mom being so confused and absent. I don't like seeing them fight. I dont like getting angry phone calls from my sister. And I hated seeing how doughy I look in my swimsuit and my yoga clothes. Seeing the fat on the back of my arms in my t shirt. Feeling the fat on my thighs and butt. Having my bra squeeze me. I thought about taking a xanax to help with the anxiety but didn't since that's "bad" coping behavior.

I hate being fat, I hate that I can't control my eating. But I tried all day. I had good intentions for going to bed early but didn't. Instead I stayed up to watch a documentary on sleep deprivation. (irony alert...)

After my mom went to bed the feelings of dissatisfaction set in: my body, my dinner, what I can eat, my feelings of not being helpful, my parents' health failing, sucking at work, etc. So I said "just a little pineapple", then it was into the sunbutter with a bar... spoonfuls of the sweet gooey yummy stuff. I was horrified to see that more than half the jar was gone already since I'd opened it recently but that didn't stop me. The weird thing is that after I ate it, I felt like I could breathe again. I hadn't been able to breathe fully all day, even at yoga which usually helps me open up.

I might have stopped then but I decided I should finish watching the sleep deprivation documentary even though I was tired and started falling asleep. They said that sleep deprivation makes you eat more in general - up to 500 calories a day even after just a couple days of less sleep. Well, that's totally me... to keep myself awake I started eating. See the irony? I did the handfuls of cereal thing which kept me awake but didn't satisfy me. So finally I added some rice milk and had a proper bowl of cereal. And that was it. I went to bed after that (not right away but I didn't keep eating, at least).

I slept like crap, and when I woke up, I could feel the fat on my thighs and stomach touching my nightshirt. I miss the time when I came here and cried looking at myself in the mirror because I was so skinny. Now I want to cry because I'm so covered in lumpy fat. I miss the days when I had no cellulite, my clothes would hang off me, and people would look at me in envy. Now I look at myself and see the jowls on my face, and while I know that no one would say I was fat, I feel that way.

I debated whether to work out and finally decided that lying in bed would be better for me since my legs and back are sore. But when I got out of bed, it was definitely "on the wrong side". I was super crabby at my mom, who was just being herself (giving me directions in a bossy way, telling me my suggestions at Costco weren't "correct"). I could feel the anger coursing through my body. Of course I want to eat. I want to take a Xanax. I want to go back to being an anorexic and controlling all the shit my life by not eating. But that's not the right thing. I just don't know what is.

I have to figure out a coping mechanism that doesn't require me to run off to write or call people so I can spend time with my parents and not rat hole myself away in the guestroom. I have to figure this all out so I can cope better when I have to go back to work, when my dad dies, when my mom needs help moving and sorting out her "new life". I want to be thin again, to have a good relationship with food and with myself. I'm just so frustrated right now I don't know what to do.

Other than get more sleep, because apparently that makes you fat. :p

Anxiety

I ate a little too much for breakfast. At two I wasn't really that hungry but I had a smoothie and a bar. Then the bells went off in my head. I'm bad because I ate when I wasn't starving. I wanted peanut butter on the bar but know I shouldn't have it because I've gained weight. While I still do better during the day, when I start eating I just don't want to stop. My pulse started going and my head got consumed with ED voices.

Now I'm dealing with voices telling me I suck because I haven't worked out yet, it's not sunny now, I haven't been swimming in a week, I'm going to be so slow when I get home, etc.

Having an ED sucks BT. I just want to be normal again. Well, thin and without all these voices in my head. I don't really want to have a "normal" body. See, the ED is talking again...

Failing

I'm gaining weight.
I'm not writing a great eulogy for my dad (that he could read before he dies).
I'm feeling guilty about not being at work.
I'm not getting buff.
I'm not figuring out how to support my family during this horrible time.
I haven't found a place to stay.
I'm not going to OA meetings or listening to podcasts.
I'm not writing when I have "feelings" (if I did all I would do is write)
I'm mean to my mom sometimes
I don't always want to talk to my sister when she calls.
I can't decide whether to use periods or not in this post.
I'm not rising to greatness in this darkest hour.
I'm not getting enough sleep.
I'm starting to slip into old "put Francesca first" habits.
I'm just feeling like I suck and I don't know what to do about it.

Night Eats

Night eating still plagues me. I perhaps overeat a bit during the day, but nighttime is still the worst for me. It's not anything necessarily happens at night (maybe my mom and dad bickering sometimes) but I still end up grazing quite a bit. Tonight: chocolate-covered fruit after dinner (an apricot, half a pineapple round), then a couple spears of pineapple while watching TV. After a while, I really really wanted a pecan bar but didn't want to have to wash the container. So I ate ice cream instead. But then my mom annoyed me and I ended up eating the pecan bar. Which was really, really good. And perhaps what I wanted in the first place.

I'm definitely getting pudgier, and I'm trying not to be obsessive about exercise because it takes me away from spending time with my dad and mom. But I want to be thin. Although clearly not enough to stop eating. :(

ARGH

The time I put work on the back burner and I get burned for it:

- I missed open enrollment for benefits so now I'm stuck with stuff I don't want for 2015... that includes having WAY too much money in FSA and having to go to a gym I don't like.
- Chris emailed and asked what my plan was vs. me being proactive on it.
- Not being on top of expenses, invoices and vendor SOWs which puts me on the "bad compliance" list

Sigh, I hate when I'm not organized, miss stuff and get screwed for it.

This is why I'm such a slave to my email.
And why I think I suck.

Depression setting in

I can't stop eating
I dropped the ball on something at work
My sister keeps telling me she plans to kill herself
I feel like I haven't been very helpful here
Our plans aren't going the way we want them to
I feel like I should go back to work

I hate feeling like this
And guess what ... it makes me want to eat to stuff down all those feelings. :(

Super Angry

We were supposed to be staying in a 9 bdr house of a "friend" of my dad's. The deal was supposed to be that we could stay in the au pair's quarters through Thanksgiving because her kids were staying at the house through T'day. Then supposedly we could move in to the main house for the rest of December. I say supposedly because I just talked to the woman and she now says we can only stay in the au pair's quarters which won't work because (1) it's too small for Sis, me and Mike, (2) the bed is too squishy for Sis to sleep in, (3) and it doesn't have a full kitchen so we can't cook. I super angry because this was supposed to be our home away from my parents' home for the next month and now we have to start looking for another place to stay during the busiest and most expensive time in Honolulu. But more importantly, I'm angry because this woman totally went back on her promise to my dad and I don't understand how you could do that to someone who is dying of cancer. Why did she even offer in the first place??

The funny part is that I always felt like it was too good to be true, and I'm just pissed that the world isn't being nice to us right now. I'm already having angst, sadness and depression and to have this happen just sucks.

Now I have to go put on a happy face for my parents when really all I want to do is get back in bed and cry...

Late night

I've been having trouble sleeping... getting to sleep, staying asleep. Tonight I was exhausted and proud of myself for getting into bed after only some mild overeating for dessert and then I woke up at 2:00 and couldn't go back to sleep. My stomach hurts (gluten?) and I have to pee a million times (corn?) and somehow I decided that eating sunbutter and sunbutter bars would help me? How, why?

I'm going to end up taking a Xanax (not an Ambien since that will lead to even more eating) and I hope that will put me out.

I'm trying to cut myself some slack because this is such a hard time but I constantly think about food, my fat, and my desire to stop using food to cope. I think I'm doing a little better, but clearly not doing that well. I keep circling back to the fantasy about losing weight through this but really I need it to teach me how to cope without eating otherwise, I'm doomed to not fit into any of my clothes, to hate how I look in photos, and to being at a weight that makes me feel uncomfortable physically and mentally.

how do i be different?

I'm trying not to eat to cope... But I'm not sure what to do instead. I know I'm supposed to acknowledge my feelings and digest them (haha) bit sometimes I can't either because people are around or I just don't have the energy. I feel like watching tv, reading, etc is "avoidance" and exercising is also a usual way to go. So how do I do this differently? How do I take what happened last night, what's happening now and do something productive without making myself want to eat or yell or retreat? The family dynamic is so hard to break. Food is love, food is comfort, food is how we gather together. Now its weird because M dad and mom dont have any appetite, my sister eats crap and I pretend I'm on my allergy free diet that I hate and have been breaking too often. But I have to do something because I have to.learn how to cope without food. The next year isnt going to be easy and I don't want to turn into a blimp. Maybe I'm covering up my feelings about what's happening with my feeling about my fat but I also think that fitness is one of my values so I can't throw it out the window and pretend it doesn't matter. Maybe its just the second order bit instead of the first.i already feel guilty going to the gym when I think my dad might emerge from his bedroom ready to engage. But I also know its a good stress relief and makes me feel good. Is that so wrong? If so, please suggest something else. Because I'm struggling with all of this.

Tonight Sucked Too

Huge fucking drama tonight. My sister had a freakout, was yelling at everyone, saying super crazy stuff, upsetting our dad. I get that she it under stress but all of us are. I feel bad for her, but she isn't always rational. Our dad is dying and she wants to talk about how awful her life is. I know that it's not good, she's sick, doesn't work, is married to someone who irritates her but now isn't the time to worry about that shit. She told me I'm a horrible person: selfish, stingy, only concerned about how I look and exercising, and how much money I make. She threatened to kick me in the stomach. She made my dad sad and tired, she made my mom sad, and she made me angry. And I think she's the one being selfish.

Sigh. Why is our family so screwed up?

Luckily I don't want to eat right now... my guts are already in knots from previous events and ill-advised potato chips at dinner which I ate too many of.

Today sucks

My dad feels crappy and has been in bed all day

My sister is angry at her husband and says they need to get divorced

My BIL is nowhere to be found (he probably is driving around HNL or back at the house she was supposed to go stay with him but won't)

My mom is cooking food I can't eat (cheese, salt) trying to get rid of food in the fridge

I have a melancholy so profound that I can barely move

But at least I don't want to eat...

Stuffing

Last night wasn't good. It took forever to get errands done at the grocery store and Long's and my sister and I bickered about food and her need to get back in the LONG line after we were done shopping for family food so she could buy food (junk food) for herself and her husband (who is staying by himself in the house she was supposed to move to on Thursday but hasn't because it might not suit her back or allergies).

When I got home, my mother had finished making the pasta dinner I had suggested I make (because she hates having people in her kitchen), yet had totally neglected to cook any gluten free noodles for me. I was having a "low protein episode" as we like to call them, and started to yell at her about the noodles, not having water boiling for the broccoli, for cooking enough pasta to feed eight people, not three and one guy who has cancer who can barely eat. Then my sister yelled at me for yelling at my mom. My dad gets annoyed when we fight, and that makes me feel like it's worse for us to be here than not.

I could feel the urge to eat coming on, angry eating, and I tried to turn it off over dinner, but it crept in. I ate seconds, and kept grazing on broccoli and pasta sauce until the end of the meal. And then I had a few more forkfuls of noodles from the leftovers I was packing up.

I tried to stem off the desire to eat a bunch of junk by having a cup of passion fruit tea and a piece of stem ginger (stem off, stem ginger... ha ha ha). But after the movie I ate 4 pieces of See's candy that are not only calorie laden but also have "forbidden" ingredients in them. I didn't feel entirely bad about thought, it seemed manageable, and might have been had I gotten into bed right after taking an ambien (I haven't been sleeping well).

But I tried to get some work done, got frustrated and then started in on the other foods because my inhibitions were down and I was agitated about work stuff.

I finally slowed down, my sister came in to see what was going on (thank goodness I'd cleaned up) and the ambien really kicked in so I went to sleep.

I felt icky this morning, of course, Weighed 2+ lbs more than yesterday and although I wanted to restrict, I ended up overeating a bit because I was tired and sad.

I don't think it's good for me and my sister to be here if we fight all the time. It saps my dad's energy and ours. He's not doing well and I feel like he's been getting more tired since we've been here. We're keeping him up too late, taxing him with our issues, and exasperating him with our quibbling.

I'm mad at myself for bingeing and wish I could stop this stupid, pointless, harmful behavior. Getting fatter is not the answer. It's not going to pad me from what's happening. It just makes me feel ugly, unmotivated, and like I have no control. A stuffed butterball....

Fantasy World

I'm living in a fantasy world that somehow this time in my life will help me solve all my compulsive eating problems, will make me lose weight, will help me figure out what to do about my job, my living situation, etc. Really it will still just be life. And it will be hard when my father dies. And I don't really know how I will react. So I just hope I can be nice to myself and to others in my life. And that I don't balloon up like a huge porker because I don't know how to express my emotions (I wish I could with my dad), I don't know how to do good self care (ok, I have gone running and napped, but I'm flailing in some other areas) and I don't know what I want my life to be going forward.

It's easy to think about life as I wish it could be but the reality is that's not how it will be... and I have to accept that and move on, just like I have to accept my father's cancer, my mother's dementia, my sister's depression, and my own issues with food (physical and mental). I like escaping to a fantasy world, but in the long run I can't live there....

Breathing is hard

I mean that in a literal way... for the last few days I've been having a hard time catching my breath, feel like I'm wheezing and can hear the air being forced out when I exhale. I have to force myself to take deep breaths or my breathing becomes so shallow sometimes that I get a little lightheaded.

I'm not doing very well with my emotional control and I'm trying not to cry all the time or in front of my father. It's so hard.

Of course, I'm still totally obsessed with how heavy I am, how much I'm eating, what I'm eating, and beating myself up about it all. I wish I could give my fat to my dad so he wouldn't look so thin. (I want to give him color too - he looks grey and washed out. Like he's fading away.) I want to go work out but I don't have the energy and feel guilty about going.

I was hoping I'd lose my appetite while I was here so I could lost weight. I keep reminding myself that that's not the point. I'm here for my dad, and it shouldn't matter what I eat or don't eat. I shouldn't punish myself either way. But the voices are too loud. I hate being me right now. Fat, unhappy, unfulfilled, sad.

A friend of mine said that once my dads "passes" that I need to get back to living. I want to get back to being normal. I'm so tired of being a food freak. I'm just tired, period.

panicky

I'm fighting off a panic attack right now. I'm so fat I can't breath. I want out of here, out of my life. I want to go home, get in bed, and just sleep. But I can't. So I'm hyperventilating practical and fighting off the urge to take a xanax because I think it will put me in a coma.

Lack of purpose

I have no purpose, no passion. As I have in the last few years, last night I also felt a sadness that comes from feeling like I don't have a reason to be here. I'm not saving the world, I'm not forging new territories, I don't have kids to raise.... I'm just a lump of humanity living on an earth that's dying and when I die no one will care or know any different.

I want to go back to bed. But I can't because I have meetings and work to do. But what does it matter? Am I really "empowering people and businesses"? And to what end? So we can all bury our heads more in technology? Be more busy? Feel guilty about spending time with friends and family and in nature instead of working? Is work my sole purpose here? I hope not.

It makes me sad to think that all my stuff will just be junk once I die. No one to give it to, no one who wants it. I guess that means I should just get rid of it now so no one has to deal with it. Or give it to someone who might care now.

It sucks to feel this purposeless, worthless. This sad.

Gratitude: I'm grateful that I made it to work on time!

Denying the truth

Maybe the reason I keep putting off a decision about when to go visit my dad is that I want to deny that he's dying. I know he is, but it hasn't really sunk in and in my head and in my heart I don't want to believe it. I have a hard time imagining life without him. He's been such a good dad, a friend. I've valued his persepctive, wisdom, curiousity, POV, humor, and love. He's an anchor, a compass, and someone I've relied on for so many years.

In addition to missing the person, his absence will leave me and my sister to care for our mother and that seems like a burdensome task. It makes me feel terrible to say that but it's true. I know she will be cared for if she gets into the assisted living facility but there is still a level or caring that we'll need to provide, plus interacting with her probably on a more regular basis since she won't have others to call her, visit her.

It makes my stomach hurt thinking about it all. It makes me want to go eat the carton of ice cream I bought earlier. It makes me want to cry. It makes me want to crawl into bed and just go to sleep so I can forget all of this is happening.

I wish I had my shit together so I could be stronger for my family. That really hurts. And now I'll probably go eat that carton of ice cream. :(

#4 Gratitude: I'm grateful that I work for a company that has good benefits.

Left with my truth

The truth is I just want to eat. Sigh.


Had a really good intention to just eat dinner and have a small bowl of ice cream. That turned into a big bowl of ice cream (400 calories), a packet of chocolate hazelnut butter (180 calories), and two pieces of toast with coconut oil (200 calories). No wonder I'm a huge pudgeball.


I'm also tired because I say up way too late. And then I have fantasies about not going to work. What does that say about me?


I'm hating myself every day, not wanting to go to work, not wanting to exercise, not wanting to see friends, just wanting to sleep and eat.


I should probably work on the sleeping (says the person typing away at 1:13 a.m.) and perhaps the eating will be less aggravating.




#2 Gratitude: going to my OA meeting and feeling supported in my current situation.

Bursting

I feel like I'm bursting out of my skin, having gained way too much weight in the past few weeks. I don't recognize my face when I look in the mirror, I feel uncomfortable in my clothes, and I hate the feeling of my body right now in so many ways. I had this goofy thought that maybe this is my way of trying to burst out of this life that doesn't really fit me anymore, that I don't like anymore and that feels so out of control. I also know that I'm reacting to the stress of what's going on with my father and mother and sister.


My body is not happy right now (itchy, bloaty, crampy, achy) and it's got to be more than what I'm eating because even though I've been eating outside of my food sensitivities, it's not enough to cause this much grief without another contributing factor.


Ok, I've decided that for November, I am going to make my "highs" (which I've neglected to write about recently) my gratitudes to say thanks for what is going right in my life when so much else feels wrong.


#1:  Grateful to have run in to the zookeeper that gave me and my friend a behind the scenes animal encounter with red pandas and a cheetah today. Very serendipitous and so cool!

FOB

I'm in full on binge mode right now. I should've sat down to write 45 minutes ago but I didn't. But even with PB and spoon in hand I'm doing it now.


Why am I eating? What are the feelings I'm stuffing down?


Felt fat and self conscious all day
Was snippy with a coworker
Late to meetings
Feeling dumb and inadequate at meetings
Thinking the person who works for me is better at my job than I am and I should just quit and give it to her
Wanting to exercise but feeling obligated to spend time with my friend who came from out of town
Buying candy for kids I don't even know makes me mad
Tired
Stupid tight squeezing my fat legs
Feeling dumb at my boss's house, especially when someone asked me "how old are your kids"
Eating food there that made me feel yucky
Being pissed at my sister for bailing on the event we had scheduled tonight with our friend
Having to send back the food I ordered because it came laden with eggs
Being cold all night
Compulsively eating the pumpkin bar I bought earlier even though I'd already eaten too much today and had two packs of gummy bears after getting home
Drawing what was supposed to be a soothing bath but I ended up putting too much cold water in so it was lukewarm
Knowing I was going to go on a grazing binge and not wanting to stop it
Feeling tired and defeated by food
Not knowing when in the hell this will ever stop
Knowing the scale will be even higher tomorrow.


:(

Horrible night

Freak out because I'm too fat to fit into any of my clothes.
Behaved badly with my friends because I was angry.
Ate too much at a friend's house because I was overly hungry.
Probably ate gluten by mistake.
Itching everywhere and I don't know why.
Despite berating myself for being so chunky, I dove into the peanut butter and chocolate when I got home.
Now it's late and I'm not going to get enough sleep before I have to get up to meet a contractor.
I just want to stay in bed all day tomorrow.
Maybe I will...

Hater

Yep, it's official. I hate myself right now.

The night is dark

nighttime is when I fall in the hole. sometimes I eat because I'm frustrated with my day. sometimes I eat because I don't want to go to bed. sometimes I eat because I like the feeling of the fullness, the taste of food, the warmth, the coolness, the crunchiness, the smoothness. I guess I just like to eat.


but I hate the way I look, the way I feel, the lack of discipline I have.


I wish I could go back to being super thin, super controlled. I wish I could be happier with myself no matter what.


 

There's a problem

When I don't want to exercise, I know something is really wrong with me. Something is really wrong.


Things have been going downhill, and I've been having angst about having to see myself in workout clothes, but I still wanted to work out. That's gone now. I don't want to go to barre class, I don't want to pack workout clothes for my trip. I just want to stay in bed.


Maybe it's my sister announcing Mike asked her to move out.
Maybe it's my dad saying he thinks this will be his last Christmas.
Maybe it's being disappointed with my friends.
With myself.


But all I know is I just have no energy.
And all I do is eat to medicate myself.


Over the last week and weekend I got a ton done - a bunch of repainting (contractors, not me), new curtains, organizing so I could live in my house without feeling unsettled. I saw friends, I saw family, I ate food I enjoyed. But then each night I came home and ate more. Why? Why??


Work is tough this week. I didn't work this weekend so I had to work 14 hours today. I still think I stink at this job. Tomorrow's going to be hard and going to the conference in Florida is going to stress me out.


I can feel my skin expanding as I get heavier and fatter. My clothes don't fit, I can feel the rolls getting poly-er. Logically I should just stop eating but I feel like I can't. I know I should keep exercising but I don't want to. I just want to sleep and forget my problems. But I can't.


Ok, off to bed. I hope I can make myself get out of bed, I hope I can workout without loathing myself. I hope I can be productive at work. And I hope I make it through this next week without having a meltdown. Or getting sick. Or flipping out on anyone. Or without eating so much that I continue to perpetuate this awful cycle.

How I'm doing with the tools...

A Plan of Eating - I have food plan which I try to stick to, but usually go off the rails at night.

Sponsorship - I have a sponsor. I'm looking forward to working with her more, but first I have to finish a book she wants me to read and it's slow going.

Meetings - I go once a week, sometimes twice. Honestly, more than that doesn't seem to be a good use of my time.

Telephone - I need to do more of this. Unfortunately, my bad moments are at night and I don't feel comfortable calling people after 9:00.

Writing - Trying to do more of this. But maybe it needs to be more directed somehow? It just feels like me complaining about how I hate my ED and my fatness.

Literature - The book I'm reading now is tedious. I hope other "literature" is better, although this may be a tool that I don't use as much.

Action Plan - I guess I should read what this tool is!

Anonymity - Yes, I'm respecting this.

Service  - I keep thinking I should offer to help close down the meeting - maybe next time?

Yep, I suck

Can't stop myself...
eating
hating people who are thinner than me
buying clothes
doing too much
working too little on the weekends to catch up
being annoyed by all the food crap I see posted to FB
thinking about food
making dumb decisions
not speaking up
not being true to myself
falling in the hole

Agita

I had massive stress this morning for no particular reason. At least not a big reason "point in time" reason.

I'm stressed because) I feel massively unprepared for my job every day, because I'm not leading my career (just reacting to it), and I don't really love what I do. I love the idea of it, but in practice I'm not loving every day. I don't love work in general, I guess. I wish I were more passionate about it.

I also have stress because I made a list of "Abstinence" items (no: nuts, coffee, corn, grazing, bingeing or eating due to work stress or being tired) and I wonder if I'll be able to do this for the next two weeks, especially as I'm traveling to Florida next week and will be tired.

Speaking of tired, I really need to prioritize sleep. I'm exhausted this morning and with the "no coffee" rule, I'm dragging. I think the lack of sleep is causing my weight gain: higher cortisol = belly fat, being tired makes me eat to stay awake, exhaustion makes me less clear headed and more likely to binge.

I keep saying I'm going to do this job the way I want to live my life, and I need to start doing that now.

Musings after Moscato

I went out to a friend's birthday gathering tonight, and I found myself in the space I often find myself in - having angst about food, eating to much, and then continuing to eat when I get home. I don't know what stresses me out about this  - wait, yes, I do... I don't like having to think about everything I'm eating or asking what's in it all or feeling like I can't eat exactly what I want. I also know I have to be careful not to drink too much because I'm a lightweight and things can get out of control.


Speaking of out of control, today was not a good food day:  too much coffee, flailed on my decision to not eat nuts for two weeks (almond milk, almonds in macaroon), bought food I didn't need,  ate a Cinnabon (calories AND will provoke food sensitivities - although it actually made me feel better right after eating it), didn't stick to a good meal plan, ate compulsively at the tapas bar, had a few bowls of cereal and a piece of toast when I got home even though I wasn't hungry, ate because I was tired, etc, etc.


I'm triggered by my skinny friends (who I used to be skinnier than), my protruding belly, looking fat in photos, and on and on.


I want to just stay in bed tomorrow but I won't.


But I do think I need more sleep. 4.5 hrs a night doesn't cut it when you don't want cortisol flooding through your body and when you need to make better decisions about food.

i hate fat

I just put on my workout clothes to go to yoga and my pudge is sticking out, rolling over the waist and, and making me feel uncomfortable. I hate being squeezed, feeling my fat. I hate wearing things that used to fit, used to be loose. It upsets me.


I had a funny experience this morning volunteering...i was cold so I put the volunteer shirt over my light down jacket. It made me look fat and I didn't like the idea that people thought that I was fat. I want to be thin again. But I still want to eat way to often and way too much.

Fear

Why am I afraid to quit this job? What great do I have that keeps me on this role, at Microsoft, in Seattle? Fear of being wrong? Fear that this is as good as it will get? Fear that people won't like me or respect my decision? I fear that I won't be any good at another job, at surviving in a new city, learning a new company or job. I fear that new people won't like me. I don't know why I don't believe in myself more. I'm afraid all the time and that keep me from moving forward. The food comforts me, it makes me feel safe and warm and loved. Word then that I hate myself so much for eating and for not being able to change.


Fear of failure and people not liking me is a double whammy.

Feelings about work and food

Clearly there's a connection between my job and eating. I eat because I'm stressed or don't want to work. I know this job is wreaking havoc on my mind and body and yet I'm committed to it somehow. Like I want to prove I can do it, that I can be good at it. Even if the self-talk in my head is mean (so much "you suck" running through my brain) and comparisons to others makes me feel unworthy and like a failure. And eating because of my job is making me gain weight... and I *hate* being overweight. But I keep going at it. You'd think I'd just flake on everything, but no, here it is 1:17 a.m. and I'm still up (and will now miss barre class) because I had emails to do and PPTs to write and I couldn't make myself stop. I feel bad because I'm not more productive. I screw around a lot during the work day so ten I stay up late to compensate. I wish I were more strategic and logical so I could figure out what to focus on and what to ignore. I really wish I had more of a growth mindset so I could stop beating myself for not knowing stuff and just opening myself up to learning - wasn't that what this job was about?


I realize that I need to stop using food to cope in general but I also need to decouple it from my job. And that feels about as hard as it's going to be to get a promotion when I don't even feel like I'm worthy of my current level. "Fake it til you make it?" But when will I ever feel like I made it?


The odd thing is that there is evidence that others think I'm ok/decent/good at this job but I can't accept it. It's a fleeting nicety that satisfies my soul for about a minute, and then I doubt myself again. Doubt isn't even the right word, it's downright hate the fact that I can't be more excited about my work and good at assimilating knowledge or facts. I vaguely like parts of my world, but the hard core business stuff... I just don't care enough.


And so I use food to cope, to take time out of my work day. I medicate myself with it, I amuse myself with it and every day I hope that the next day will bring a different mindset. About work and food.

My friends irritate me

Why are so many of my friends now skinnier than I am. It's driving me crazy. I hate being the pudgy one. It irritates me to see them. It irritates me to know they can stop eating when I can't. It irritates me that I size them up every time I see them and have flashes of anger towards them. I irritates me when they tell me how I look good, because I bet they are gloating that they are now the skinny ones. I long for the days when I was all muscle, lean and athletic. I don't care about having boobs, I don't want to be curvy. I want to be a stick like they all are.


If I didn't like to work out so much, I'd stop swimming and going to barre and yoga because I hate looking at myself in my bathing suit and yoga clothes, with the pudge rolling out everywhere. But it makes me happy to move, and if I have to avert my eyes from the mirror, then so be it. But it still bugs me to remember what I used to look like.


The worst and stupidest part is that it just makes me want to eat more. Makes no sense at all.


But someday I'll be skinny again. I just have to figure out how to get there.

I'm on the verge of being a food addict...

Signs of Food Addiction

Researchers at Yale University's Rudd Center for Food Science & Policy have developed a questionnaire to identify people with food addictions. Here's a sample of questions that can help determine if you have a food addiction. Do these actions apply to you? Do you:

• End up eating more than planned when you start eating certain foods --> YES
• Keep eating certain foods even if you're no longer hungry --> YES
• Eat to the point of feeling ill --> YES
• Worry about not eating certain types of foods or worry about cutting down on certain types of foods -->YES
• When certain foods aren't available, go out of your way to obtain them --> YES

The questionnaire also asks about the impact of your relationship with food on your personal life. Do these situations apply to you:

• You eat certain foods so often or in such large amounts that you start eating food instead of working, spending time with the family, or doing recreational activities. --> NO, BUT I THINK ABOUT FOOD IN ALL OF THESE SITUATIONS
• You avoid professional or social situations where certain foods are available because of fear of overeating. --> NO, BUT I WORRY ABOUT OVEREATING WHILE THERE
• You have problems functioning effectively at your job or school because of food and eating. --> NO, BUT I WASTE TIME AT WORK BECAUSE OF FOOD

The questionnaire asks about psychological withdrawal symptoms. For example, when you cut down on certain foods (excluding caffeinated beverages), do you have symptoms such as:

• Anxiety --> YES
• Agitation --> YES
• Other physical symptoms --> NOT REALLY

The questionnaire also tries to gauge the impact of food decisions on your emotions. Do these situations apply to you?

• Eating food causes problems such as depression, anxiety, self-loathing, or guilt. --> YES, YES, YES, YES
• You need to eat more and more food to reduce negative emotions or increase pleasure. --> YES
• Eating the same amount of food doesn't reduce negative emotions or increase pleasure the way it used to. --> YES

So what do I do now?  :(

Why can't I get my shit together?

I keep screwing up at work. Late to meetings, not prepared enough, behind on news and events. My technology is always messed up (crashing hard drives, cracked screens) and I can't run a meeting for the leadership team without something going wrong. I'm frustrated that even when I'm on track to do something "right" that I fuck it up somehow. For example, I went to the wrong building this morning, so I've missed the opportunity to have face time with a new SLT member and be present for meeting my boss is running. The worst part is that I kept saying "Go to City Center, Go to City Center" and then I went to Lincoln Square instead. ARGH. Oh, and I missed a concall at 8:00 because I totally spaced on it.

What is wrong with me? Why am I like this?

It makes me so sad and disappointed in myself.

Why I eat

Tired
Bored
Lonely
Tired
Feeling sad
Upset
Tired
Empty
Angry (that I'm fat, so why the hell am I eating?)
Itchy
Annoyed
Want to feel full (fulfilled?)
Tired
Feel sick, so punish myself by eating more
Inadequate
Wanting more
Like the taste
Like the texture
Like the temperature
Last thing wasn't satisfying
Because the food will go bad
Because there's just a little bit left
Comparing
Soothing
So tired...

EFT Webinar

I''m not sure I believe in "Tapping" but the webinar about losing weight and negative emotions about food reeled me in. Wow, I really do have emotions running thought me.


Tapping Tree:

Symptoms:
Want to lose 12 lbs
Want to eat less compulsively
Not motivated to exercise
Not happy at work
Want body to feel better
Want mind to be quieter

Talk about symptom while you tap
Talk about the food you want to eat while you tap



Emotions:
Feel frustrated that I can't stop eating
Angry that I gained weight
Sad that I used to be so thin and now I'm not

I feel anxious around food
I feel deprived
I feel guilty, angry, frustrated when I eat "bad" things or too much

I like to exercise
I wish I could exercise more
I'm angry I can't do the races I want
I'm frustrated my body hurts
I hate the way I look in my workout clothes right now
I'm jealous of people who are more fit and thinner than I am

I'm jealous of my friends who are thinner than I am
I'm mad at people who are thin
I feel bad because I used to be that thin or thinner

I don't like my body right now
I feel ugly and lumpy
I don't like looking at myself
I try to accept my body, but it's a lie



My job causes me the most stress
My parents' health in the next stressor
My inability to move forward stresses me out



I have many negative emotions
anger
anxiety
bitterness
bored
depressed
despairing
distressed
doubtful
envious
etc...



I often reach for food: ice cream, chips, chocolate, snacky foods
I often eat too much
I often eat when I'm not hungry
I sometimes make myself feel sick
I feel guilt and remorse after eating



Events:
1. easy to move beyond
2. stick with us, hard to let go of



Family Life: good parents but not very fun
Friends: not enough of them
Teachers: mean, discouraging
School: didn't like it
Puberty: felt ugly, not pretty


Weight: mostly fine, got really fat in college, in Chicago... got thinner which I liked, too thin which was scary but I still kind of liked, and now "normal" but I don't want to be normal


Exercise: like doing it, want to race more, wish I could play vball again, want to do Hawaii 70.3 and run a marathon.



When did this weight gain begin: stressed about my food allergies, angry angry angry, pissed I couldn't leave Rod, made stupid choice about this job, frustrated with myself for not having direction



Beliefs:
I'm not worthy
I'm stupid
I'm fat
I'm too sensitive
I can be happy
I have a weird split personality thing

Losing weight means giving up something I love
My body hates me
I have no self control
I'm a glutton, and a glutton for punishment
I'm killing myself when I eat
I'm killing my soul when I don't

I can't lose weight because: I can't stop eating emotionally and compulsively
I want to lose weight but: I like food too much

I can't eat what I want
I need to deprive myself to lose weight

I need to exercise more
I need to workout harder

I believe my body is broken
It doesn't like me anymore
My body has betrayed me
My body doesn't look the way I want it to look
I don't like having a "normal" body



Change is sustainable only if it's pleasurable
I need to find joy in the journey

Getting clear on what's bothering me

1. feeling like I'm bad at my job
2. frustrated that I'm ineffective (job, computer, house stuff, not overeating)
3. my weight
4. feeling cruddy after I eat
5. being angry when I can't eat what I want
6. not knowing what I want
7. not going after what I do know I want
8. not expressing my ideas
9. feeling like I'm living a lie and being to chicken to change
10. feeling inadequate (job, athletics, weight)
11. being lonely
12. being at work all the time
13. not being able to say no
14. wasting time
15. not feeling connected to my friends
16. not wanting to deal with my mom's dementia
17. not being able to control my eating
18. thinking too much about eating
19. eating being something I look forward to way too often

I don't get it...

I'm managing ok during the day, but nights have turned into ridiculous binge-fests. Grazing, stuffing myself until I feel sick. When I think about what feelings I'm trying to suppress, I don't really know. I'm not particularly upset about anything. I've had pleasant enough days since I've been back from Hawaii. I'm not really sure why I'm eating in such an out of control way. But I have to get control over it because not only did I gain two pounds in Hawaii (where my eating was clearly about being pissed that I couldn't eat what I wanted to there), I've gained another two since I've been home. Sigh.

The sadness

The sadness creeped in at the gym. I thought I should sign up for a gym near my office so I have a treadmill and personal trainer at my disposal. It's new and clean and light and nice enough but something about it's wide open spaces, not quite luxury trappings and slightly odd clientele made me despressed. It felt impersonal and "not quite me". The yoga class was taught by someone who was no better at yoga than the students, the room was too big, the music blaring overhead was distracting. I hated looking in the mirror at myself, my doughy body mocking me from multiple angles.


After leaving, I called my sister who of course didn't answer, blowing me off again. Made the big mistake of calling my mother to see if I could help her with her computer issue. It's clear that her dementia is getting worse and worse, her cognitive skills declining, her speech getting slower and more labored. I find myself getting impatient with her and then mad at myself that I can't be nice. More sad making.


I knew I was going to overeat when I got home. I should have called someone, but I don't feel like talking to anyone. I should have texted someone, but didn't know what to say. "Help, stop me from eating"? Yes, that's exactly what I should have said but didn't.


Because the sad truth is I want to eat. I want to stuff myself. I want sugar and fat and salt and crunchy and chewy and cold and warming and anything that causes a sensation. I guess I want to feel something, I want to feel full ---> fulfilled? Certainly I'm not fulfilled by my life right now.


I probably need to go back on anti-depressants but I don't know who can subscribe them for me, and they feel like a crutch. I should be better than that, and I'm sad that I'm not. I'm sad I'm not skinny anymore, that I'm not always the skinniest person on the earth. I'm sad that I get mad at people skinnier than me and that I like to compare myself favorably to people who are heavy. I'm of course I'm sad that I can't eat what I want to anymore. (Filling myself up with substitute foods doesn't help, but that doesn't stop me.)


I don't know how I'm going to get past all this, and that makes me very, very sad.


I hope that I don't get SAD on top of all this sadness because that will probably do me in...

I like punishing myself

I just did it again - read someone's blog about their elimination diet and what awesome benefits it had for them, and then I went to the link to the book and the website her program was based on and then I thought about how I'm terrible because I'm eating things I shouldn't be eating: nightshades, nuts, FODMAPS foods, too much sugar, meat, "cheat foods", etc. I feel BAD about myself... why can't I just figure out what's RIGHT FOR ME and do that? Why do I feel compelled to WASTE TIME (at work no less) obsessing over what others are doing?

I hate it that I want to eat "bad" foods, that I even think of them as "bad" foods. I desperately want to be thinner, have less body pain and issues, and not think about food. But it's all I do. I feel like the guy in the Scarlet Letter who flogs himself in the closet and wears a hair shirt to punish himself for having impure thoughts.

I don't know why I'm so attached to food, and while I want to be less attached sometimes I just want to tell people to fuck off with their food ideas and just let me be. I'm tired of the noise, the voices, the constant chatter.

I'm tired of feeling bad about myself. And so I punish myself because of it.

Food frustrations

Another high calorie, nighttime grazing session. This one all about not being able to eat what I want to eat. After a mostly-normal day of eating, dessert came around. I wasn't satisfied with what I ate so I ate my way around the kitchen (nectarine, way too many mac nuts, dried fruit) until I finally ate the thing I'm not supposed to each but wanted to eat (a caramac - a no no because it has corn syrup and dairy in it, plus chemicals I shouldn't want to eat).

If I'd just eat the goddamn caramac in the first place, I'd have saved myself hundreds of calories. Or figured out a way to convince myself that not eating it is the right thing to do and have moral smugness about that so I don't want to eat it.

So frustrating.

Of course...

Of course I didn't live up to my promise.

I ate a little too much at breakfast, after a disappointing practice swim for my race Monday (I'll be lucky if I can finish it).

I ate too many mac nuts as an afternoon snack.

I had several helpings of dinner. It was tasty. Something was gnawing at me though and all I wanted to do was stuff myself. I sort of restrained myself but not totally.

I ate chocolate after dinner, when I really wanted ice cream or something else.

And I ended up hoovering trail mix late at night. Why? tired...stressed out...frustrated...

I'm struggling with my balance of being more flexible about food but trying to honor my needs. I don't trust my mother to cook for me - she gets some things about my food sensitivities but not others. And it's not like I'm a saint (e.g., I ate chips last night that probably had corn products in them) but I don't like to eat things I don't have to if I don't want to. E.g, my mom wants steak for dinner tomorrow, I want chicken because it's easier to digest. When I acquiesce and ask how it will be prepared she pulls out a bunch of ingredients I don't want to eat (Lawry's Garlic salt, Worcestershire sauce) but thinks it's all ok because she's going to use gluten-free soy sauce. Which, btw, she has to announce every time she talks about cooking for me.

I hate having to eat out here because it's a constant battle with the clueless servers, and my dad saying "but I checked and they said they have gluten-free options" and my mom asking me what I can eat. And then underneath it all, I really don't want to eat the boring salad - I want plate lunch and shave ice and a lava flow and caramacs and coconut cake and, and, and...

So of course, it's no wonder I'm having coping issues.

But could someone please help me with some coping skills so I don't do this grazing bullshit anymore? Ugh.

Grazing

One of the behaviours I need to stop is grazing at night. I often do it when I've been dissatisfied by my food that day or evening, or disappointed in something or someone. Tonight I did it because I was frustrated with my food experience during our cocktail/hula show outing. Nothing on the pupu menu for me to eat so I had to get a salad from the dinner menu. It was really good (lehua honey dressing!) but I was still irritated I had to make special arrangements for it, and really I wanted to eat the spring rolls and beef kebabs my parents ate.

I was also irritated with myself for eating chips, not only because they have so many calories in them but because I didn't know what the ingredients were. I'm pretty sure they had a corn product in them because my head is all itchy now.

I'm also irritated because I look pudgy in my bikini and I'm puffy from the humidity to boot. Oh, and I have to look at myself in the millions of mirrors in my parents' condo, and I just keep remembering how thin I was before.

It's dumb for me to eat because I'm frustrated with not being thin. But ED doesn't really make sense....

I'll try to do better tomorrow. Famous last words. :p

Abstinence

As part of OA, you're supposed to make a list of things to abstain from food-wise. Here are mine:


Ice cream
Chips
Nuts & nut butters
Any "snacky" foods that are too easy to eat by the handful
Buying food just because it's "allergen-free"
Buying food I don't really need
Planning a binge
Grazing
Eating something because it's just there


I haven't made a pledge to be abstinent yet, but I've been thinking about this list, so I thought I'd jot it down for now.

frustrated

I've gained 5 lbs in the last week


I'm jealous of my friends who are thinner than I am


I want to eat all the time


I can't stop making myself eat FS foods


I have a plan and then I break it


I eat crappy and then feel crappy


I keep promising myself I'll do better but don't


I stay up way too late at night and don't get enough sleep


I have no discipline or will power


I'm supposed to figure out what the feelings are that I'm not addressing but I'm not sure what they are: frustration with myself that I can't figure out what to do about my job?
sadness because I'm lonely?
irritation that I feel like my friends always seem to dog out on me?
anger that I can't eat gluten and corn and dairy and night shades and...?
annoyance that I can't change my life like others seem to be able to?
melancholy because I can't cure my sister, father, or mother of their illnesses?
anxiety because I don't really care about my job?
depression because the world is going to shit and I feel too tired to help change that?
yearning for my old body, my old mindset?
shame about my ED/OA issues?
distaste for the way I've allowed myself to gain weight?
powerless over food?
jealous because I'm no long the skinny one?
upset because I keep buying things I don't need?
dejected because I can't show people my true self?


Frustration like this sometimes makes me do dumb things, like buy a house I didn't really want, hire a contractor I had doubts about, buy diamond earrings when I don't need them. I need to channel my frustration another way, but I don't know what path to take. Story of my life....

Can't stop

I just can't stop the compulsions... it's so frustrating. Nighttime is especially bad.
Most days I get through the day without stuffing my face, then it's a free-for-all.
I guess I should think more about why that happens.

I'm supposed to call people when these feelings hit, but I don't like doing that.
I'm bad about writing first, processing my feelings, and then deciding what to do.
I feel like even if I did that, I'd still choose to eat.

I want to be thin, but I want to eat.
I want to eat what I want, but I can't because it makes me feel icky.
I want to go back to eating only "super clean" foods so I can see if my body is happier.

I feel weird right now and I don't know why.
I guess I should just go to bed, like I tell myself every night.
Sleeping is the only time I don't obsess over food.  :(

Ok, off to bed now. I hope.

What I'm Really Feeling

Last night I wrote about how I keep repeating the past... falling in the hole.

I write, which is supposed to help you, but it doesn't seem to.

Is it because I don't talk about the real feelings? The reasons why I keep having "behaviors" whether that's the thoughts that run crazy through my head or the eating, the grazing, the stuffing down with food or being a little obsessive about exercise?

Probably.

So here's what I'm feeling right now, as I'm struggling to get back to work after lunch, as I want to eat a pile of cookies or chocolate, or anything that will medicate me a bit....

Had lunch with a colleague who is successful, loves her job, rail thin, and now I find out is a triathlete/open water swimmer. She's faster than me, of course. Looks better than me in a swimsuit, now that I'm 10 lbs over my desired weight. Can actually race, which I can't because of my back. I feel inadequate, lame, a poseur, a loser. I don't like my job, I'm not that good at it, I keep making mistakes, I hate feeling like I have to work all the time. All these thoughts burbled up in me as I at my salad with the chicken I feel bad about eating because I should be a vegan, and now my body doesn't feel good so of course there's something in it I shouldn't be eating. I hate being myself some days.

I keep flip flopping about what I should do about this job. Half the time I want to keep, even feel a little excited about it. The other half of the time, I want to run out the door and never look back.

I'm having an anxiety attack and I don't know how to make this icky feeling go away... Medicating myself with food is easy and comforting. I know it's not the answer, but right now I suck at self care. I feel guilty for sitting here writing vs. working. I want to go for a walk but have the same guilt. I'm always behind at work and making mistakes so taking time from it feels wrong.

Ok, enough writing for now. The saga that made me want to eat last night (issues with my sister and her illness) will have to wait....

Repeating the Past

Every night it's the same thing... the incessant craving for ice cream, promising myself I won't eat anything else, logging my food because I think seeing the calorie count will keep me from eating. But it usually doesn't, and I graze my way through until I finally get into bed.

I also always promise myself that I'll go to bed early but I never do.... If I could get into bed, I wouldn't eat. I'd get more sleep which means I'd be more mentally agile and recover physically. I'd have less cortisol in my body which would mean less stress and less belly fat, too.

But I keep repeating the past, making the same mistakes. I'm trying to have a growth mindset, and I keeping thinking, "I'll get there someday." And I hope I do...

BTW, I weighed 119 today and that made me happy. I hope I get there again someday as well...

HALT!

So I talked to my therapist today about the HALT method, where you're supposed to ask yourself if you're:
Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired
before you eat anything.


Tonight, not hungry after a big pig out at Happy Hour plus ice cream after swimming.
Not really angry, maybe frustrated with myself for still being up late when I'd planned to come home and go right to bed.
Lonely, yeah a little bit but odd that I am after socializing tonight.
Maybe tired, yeah, ok, tired.


But of course I didn't HALT my eating. After already busting through my calorie limit for today, I just went and ate peanut butter, some cereal and a piece of toast.


My therapist says the food isn't about the food, it's about the changes in my life I need to make but don't. Maybe I wanted to eat because I started working, and got a little upset that I'm feeling like the rest of the week will be busy. Maybe it's because I couldn't decide if I should extend an invitation to people at work for a Friday afternoon drink from my fridge - worrying that no one would want to show up (like the last time I made a similar invite, when about 3 people out of 30 invitees showed up). Maybe I'm more tired than I think after swimming and my body wanted fuel. All I know is that I wasn't really hungry and now I feel a little sick, and I'm disappointed with myself again.


How am I supposed to get to race weight like this?
How will I look good in a bikini in Hawaii?
How will I feel happy with my body when I see it in the mirror?
How will I stop comparing myself with others and being upset that I'm not as thin as they are?
How will I learn to stop using food to medicate myself?


I don't know. I guess I just need to figure out what feelings I'm surpressing/repressing so I can stop this crazy behavior. I wish I could so I could HALT being such a freak about what I put in my mouth.


P.S. I feel particularly lame about this entry because I just saw my therapist today - shouldn't that buoy my motivation to be better??

Crap

I was doing pretty good this week, but with lots of body issues - not about how I look but how I feel. My stomach hurts, I itch, my mouth hurts, I feel out of it and tired. These are all the things that went away when I was on the elimination diet, and I'm depressed that I'm going to have to restrict what I eat even more than I do now. It makes me sad, and it makes me eat. Which is stupid because that's what makes me feel cruddy and makes me fat. So now I'm mad at myself for eating an entire container of pad thai when I wasn't even really hungry in the first place. And now I feel like I'm going to have to eat salad all day tomorrow, all weekend to make up for it. Or I have to exercise all day. Which makes my back hurt, which makes me think I need to cut out a bunch of foods. And then it starts all over again...

Sinking

I've fallen in the hole again. Hard, deep, scratched up and dirty.


I spent the last week working my ass off, feeling inadequate, eating to combat stress, sleep deprivation, and feelings.


I hate my body - how it looks, how it feels. I hate my mind for not being more in control, for constantly chattering at me. I'm mad at myself for being weak - why can't I go back to not eating things that are bad for me and make me fat? I'm mad at people who are thinner than I am, who have control over what they put in their mouths, who don't have to worry about what goes in their systems. I'm angry that I can't make a decision about my job. It makes me suffer, but I can't let go of the opportunity, the prestige, the feeling that if I quit that I am the loser. I'm angry that I can't change my life for it to be the way I want.


People think my life is awesome - working for the Chief Marketing Office of a Fortune 100 company, seeing Lady Gaga in concert, diving with whale sharks. I guess I'm good at PR. Because I just feel like I'm sinking...

I am slowing down
As the years go by
I am sinking

So I trick myself
Like everybody else

The secrets I hide
They twist me inside
They make me weaker

So I trick myself
Like everybody else

So I trick myself
Like everybody else

I crouch in fear and wait
I'll never feel again
Only I could, only I could
If only I could remember
Anything at all

http://binged.it/1kknP3e

Random Thoughts That Are Ear Worms For Me

"People suffer then they are pursuing a life or chasing a dream that's not meant for them."
- Caroline Myss

The great Way is easy, yet people prefer the side path. Be aware when things are out of balance. Stay centered within the Way.:
-Lao Tzu

"It seems to me these days that the easy way is no longer an option for us: it is an imperative. What you are meant to do in the world may have begun with difficulty, but from here on, you are obliged to find the easiest path to all of your objectives. "
-Martha Beck

"Going back to a simpler life is not a backwards step."

"We eat what we eat because we are afraid to feel what we feel."
-Geneen Roth

My life is out of control right now, as manifested by how I eat. I decided to go to OA and I checked almost  every box on their "questions to determine if you have a problem with compulsive eating." And after enjoying the meeting and feeling like it could be a good path for me, I went home and ate a huge dinner, had two (small) glasses of wine and ate two ice cream cones. Oh, and I totally wasted time I should have been working (like I am now) driving to get dinner and driving way out of my way to get ice cream that I didn't even really want all that much. I also thought about getting out of bed at 2:00 a.m. to eat peanut butter and chocolate but didn't only because my body was so tired.

There's a more authentic me (thinner, happier) hiding under the layers of fat I'm putting on my body as I medicate myself with food. Even right now as I type the voices in my head are arguing about whether I should be eating something. I'm tired, stressed, depressed and want to hide from everyone and everything. But I have to keep soldering on...

I hope things get easier. I hope I can back to being me.

 

 

Why did I do that??

My compulsive eating is out of control right now. Ice cream, toast, peanut butter, chocolate... pretty much every night this week. And coffee during the day... 

Sometimes I'm deliberate about it and sometimes it "just happens". Either way the outcome is the same - I feel terrible about myself. But I'm more flummoxed by the "just happens" thing, especially when it happens in a heartbeat. For example: I had a very rational plan for lunch today - eat my last hot dog before it went bad*, drink a Coke, and have a small bag of chips. I ended up subbing the chips for carrots and I was proud of myself for that. Then as I was cleaning up and thinking about work** all of a sudden I veered into the fridge and got out my coffee (after I'd already had coffee this morning) with coconut milk (full fat), and then got into the freezer to get out the 1/2 pint of chocolate "ice cream" and made myself a milkshake while sitting in front of the TV watching South Park (supposedly for work). That's probably 750 calories I just ate, and I'm frustrated because my weight is going up again, my clothes don't fit, all my friends are getting skinnier, and I can't stop eating.

I keeping thinking that I'll have it under control, and then something will snap. I don't even really think about it sometimes, the food just goes in my mouth and then I hate myself for it.

I think I just hate myself in general right now... which is weird because sometimes I really feel happy and can accept myself (pudge and all) and other times I can feel that I'm punishing myself for something - for mistakes I made in the past, for being unable to make changes and move forward. For living a life I'm not totally loving, for not being authentic.

But then I think that's just a bunch of bullshit and I need to learn how to not stuff food in my face when I'm unhappy, sad, stressed out, or angry.

I don't know what it will take: more therapy, OA, quitting my job, quitting MSFT, moving... but I will keep trying.


*I have issues throwing out food - feels like I'm throwing away money
**I suspect this is what set me off...

Beating Myself Up

These are all the self-flagellating thoughts I've had today which have culminated in me writing this blog when I should be working:

- Stayed up late so woke up late so got to work late
- Spent too much time at Whole Food this morning (see got to work late above)
- Felt unorganized and lame at a meeting with my vendor
- Caved and had a coffee, fought with the café people about the kind of "milk" I wanted in it
- Didn't end up enjoying latte and felt bad about drinking the high fat coconut milk
- Can see the pudge on my thighs and butt in my new dress which makes me sad
- Thought bad thoughts about myself because I'm buying new, bigger clothes instead of working late
- Felt bad about not working enough when someone told me he got to work at 4:00 a.m.
- Ordered WAY too much food for a going-away party and felt guilty about spending the company's money unwisely
- Had to go find a bottle opener because I forgot mine. I suck.
- Ate way too much, was the only person eating and again beat myself up about ordering too much food.
- Ate stuff that is "suspect" from a food sensitivity standpoint and worried about that (and now feel effects of it)
- Feel bad because the person for whom I threw the party is super thin and that's how I used to look and now I'm heavy and icky
- My watch is tight on my wrist and that bugs me
- I wish I hadn't take home all the plastic bags I had so I could pack up the leftover food for home.
- Think I have issues because I want to take the food home instead of just throwing it out or leaving it in the kitchen
- Frustrated that after eating too much at the party, I angry at a bag of chips
- Friend called and wants me to come visit - and I don't know how to juggle a visit with her and another friend and a vacation to Hawaii
- Frustrated that I have so much work to do and I just want to go home
- Frustrated that all I want to do is go home and eat
- Sad I can't be normal and happy.

Thin Excuses

I should write more, but I don't. Excuses are no time, no energy, don't want people reading it. But the thoughts in my head are loud and maybe they would be quieter if I let them out sometimes.


Lately I've been on a rollercoaster with work, with eating, with alternately wanting companionship and wanting to be alone. I'm avoiding people who are thinner than I am. It's painful to see people who are as thin as I used to be (and there are a number in my life) because I am envious and also think they have problems. Eventually I override my feelings of jealousy and self-hatred because I know it's bad for me to isolate, but I still avoid them sometimes.


I see overweight people and say mean things about them in my head and then think it's karma coming back to bite me that I can't stop eating, can't lose weight. The excuse is that I'm so stressed out and that it's the only thing keeping me from going crazy. Lame excuse.


I know I should quit my job but I can't bring myself to do it. I keep hoping it will get better, that my boss will finally only have to do one job and then I can only do one job and then maybe I'll like it better. Or that I'll figure out how to do this comms thing and once I get better at that then I'll like it better. That I'll get more praise and then I'll like it better. In the meantime, I cry pretty much every day, I eat too much every day, I fantasize about the life I want every day but I'm too afraid to pursue. The excuse is that giving up a job with the Chief Marketing Officer of a Fortune 100 company is something I'll regret.


In the meantime, I just wish I could be thin again. I know I should love my body no matter what size it is, but I just don't. I want to see my muscles again, my bones again. I want to have a thin face again, thin thighs again, thin ankles/wrists/waist. I want it all to be thin. I know this is stupid ED thinking, and I have no excuse for not accepting that I am at a perfectly "normal" weight and that it's ok to be a little pudgy for a while.


Someday I will give up all these thin excuses, buck up and make my life what I want it be.

I suck

I keep eating.
I keep lying to myself.
I keep avoiding my problems.


I tried a bath tonight so I wouldn't eat chocolate, but I still ate it after I got out.
I wanted to go to bed early, but I did email instead.
And I should do more, but I just don't care.


They say you should stand up for what you want.
Why can't I?
Why can't I be honest with myself about what I want?
Maybe then the voices in my head would go away.


I'm angry at my friends for being thinner than I am.
I'm angry at myself that I can't lose weight, that I can't be the skinny person I used to be.


I keep stuffing down my feelings when food.
When will it stop?


It seems like everything in my life makes me feel bad about myself.
Can't keep up at work.
Don't understand things others do.
Not motivated to make the changes I need to make.
Or scared to try.
Angry at my body for not letting me eat what I want to eat.
Punishing it by eating what I shouldn't.
I'm like a horrible alcoholic or drug addict, only with food.


I wonder why I bother going to therapy.
I wonder why I let myself keep going on down this path I don't want to be on.
What's in it for me?
Do my friends like me better now?
My family?
Do I like me any better?


I'm on the treadmill and I'm tired of it.
The roller coaster and it makes me sick.


I don't know who to talk to anymore.
I don't want to talk anyway.
It just doesn't matter.
I should just give up.


Because I suck.
Always have, always will.

Stop!

That's what I need to say to myself every time I eat when I'm not hungry, when I eat foods that make me feel icky, when I make choice about food based on what others are eating.

I have to stop eating till I feel sick, to dampen my feelings, to lessen my frustrations, to punish myself.

But I don't know why I can't make myself stop. I just keep doing the same thing over and over again. Not very smart.

Maybe it's because I listen to my head and not my heart, because I'm finding little enjoyment in the other things in my life, because I it's how I drug myself.

None of this is new. But something hasn't clicked yet and so I keep falling in the hole.

And I need to stop because my clothes don't fit, I look gross, I feel gross, and it's just another thing for me to beat myself up about.

I want to be thin again, to look athletic, to not be embarrassed about being in a bathing suit (like I was today). I want to be the one people envy, not the one envying others.

But I also have to stop making promises about what "diet" I'm going to go on tomorrow. Because that is clearly backfiring. I just don't know what will work. And I don't know who's going to help me figure that out.

Ok, off to drug myself now because I couldn't stop myself from eating crap and eating too much of it and now my stomach hurts and I won't be able to sleep unless I take an Ambien.

I hope the voices in my head stop long enough to let me get some good sleep...