There's a problem

When I don't want to exercise, I know something is really wrong with me. Something is really wrong.


Things have been going downhill, and I've been having angst about having to see myself in workout clothes, but I still wanted to work out. That's gone now. I don't want to go to barre class, I don't want to pack workout clothes for my trip. I just want to stay in bed.


Maybe it's my sister announcing Mike asked her to move out.
Maybe it's my dad saying he thinks this will be his last Christmas.
Maybe it's being disappointed with my friends.
With myself.


But all I know is I just have no energy.
And all I do is eat to medicate myself.


Over the last week and weekend I got a ton done - a bunch of repainting (contractors, not me), new curtains, organizing so I could live in my house without feeling unsettled. I saw friends, I saw family, I ate food I enjoyed. But then each night I came home and ate more. Why? Why??


Work is tough this week. I didn't work this weekend so I had to work 14 hours today. I still think I stink at this job. Tomorrow's going to be hard and going to the conference in Florida is going to stress me out.


I can feel my skin expanding as I get heavier and fatter. My clothes don't fit, I can feel the rolls getting poly-er. Logically I should just stop eating but I feel like I can't. I know I should keep exercising but I don't want to. I just want to sleep and forget my problems. But I can't.


Ok, off to bed. I hope I can make myself get out of bed, I hope I can workout without loathing myself. I hope I can be productive at work. And I hope I make it through this next week without having a meltdown. Or getting sick. Or flipping out on anyone. Or without eating so much that I continue to perpetuate this awful cycle.