HALT!

So I talked to my therapist today about the HALT method, where you're supposed to ask yourself if you're:
Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired
before you eat anything.


Tonight, not hungry after a big pig out at Happy Hour plus ice cream after swimming.
Not really angry, maybe frustrated with myself for still being up late when I'd planned to come home and go right to bed.
Lonely, yeah a little bit but odd that I am after socializing tonight.
Maybe tired, yeah, ok, tired.


But of course I didn't HALT my eating. After already busting through my calorie limit for today, I just went and ate peanut butter, some cereal and a piece of toast.


My therapist says the food isn't about the food, it's about the changes in my life I need to make but don't. Maybe I wanted to eat because I started working, and got a little upset that I'm feeling like the rest of the week will be busy. Maybe it's because I couldn't decide if I should extend an invitation to people at work for a Friday afternoon drink from my fridge - worrying that no one would want to show up (like the last time I made a similar invite, when about 3 people out of 30 invitees showed up). Maybe I'm more tired than I think after swimming and my body wanted fuel. All I know is that I wasn't really hungry and now I feel a little sick, and I'm disappointed with myself again.


How am I supposed to get to race weight like this?
How will I look good in a bikini in Hawaii?
How will I feel happy with my body when I see it in the mirror?
How will I stop comparing myself with others and being upset that I'm not as thin as they are?
How will I learn to stop using food to medicate myself?


I don't know. I guess I just need to figure out what feelings I'm surpressing/repressing so I can stop this crazy behavior. I wish I could so I could HALT being such a freak about what I put in my mouth.


P.S. I feel particularly lame about this entry because I just saw my therapist today - shouldn't that buoy my motivation to be better??