Stuffing

Last night wasn't good. It took forever to get errands done at the grocery store and Long's and my sister and I bickered about food and her need to get back in the LONG line after we were done shopping for family food so she could buy food (junk food) for herself and her husband (who is staying by himself in the house she was supposed to move to on Thursday but hasn't because it might not suit her back or allergies).

When I got home, my mother had finished making the pasta dinner I had suggested I make (because she hates having people in her kitchen), yet had totally neglected to cook any gluten free noodles for me. I was having a "low protein episode" as we like to call them, and started to yell at her about the noodles, not having water boiling for the broccoli, for cooking enough pasta to feed eight people, not three and one guy who has cancer who can barely eat. Then my sister yelled at me for yelling at my mom. My dad gets annoyed when we fight, and that makes me feel like it's worse for us to be here than not.

I could feel the urge to eat coming on, angry eating, and I tried to turn it off over dinner, but it crept in. I ate seconds, and kept grazing on broccoli and pasta sauce until the end of the meal. And then I had a few more forkfuls of noodles from the leftovers I was packing up.

I tried to stem off the desire to eat a bunch of junk by having a cup of passion fruit tea and a piece of stem ginger (stem off, stem ginger... ha ha ha). But after the movie I ate 4 pieces of See's candy that are not only calorie laden but also have "forbidden" ingredients in them. I didn't feel entirely bad about thought, it seemed manageable, and might have been had I gotten into bed right after taking an ambien (I haven't been sleeping well).

But I tried to get some work done, got frustrated and then started in on the other foods because my inhibitions were down and I was agitated about work stuff.

I finally slowed down, my sister came in to see what was going on (thank goodness I'd cleaned up) and the ambien really kicked in so I went to sleep.

I felt icky this morning, of course, Weighed 2+ lbs more than yesterday and although I wanted to restrict, I ended up overeating a bit because I was tired and sad.

I don't think it's good for me and my sister to be here if we fight all the time. It saps my dad's energy and ours. He's not doing well and I feel like he's been getting more tired since we've been here. We're keeping him up too late, taxing him with our issues, and exasperating him with our quibbling.

I'm mad at myself for bingeing and wish I could stop this stupid, pointless, harmful behavior. Getting fatter is not the answer. It's not going to pad me from what's happening. It just makes me feel ugly, unmotivated, and like I have no control. A stuffed butterball....