Feelings about work and food

Clearly there's a connection between my job and eating. I eat because I'm stressed or don't want to work. I know this job is wreaking havoc on my mind and body and yet I'm committed to it somehow. Like I want to prove I can do it, that I can be good at it. Even if the self-talk in my head is mean (so much "you suck" running through my brain) and comparisons to others makes me feel unworthy and like a failure. And eating because of my job is making me gain weight... and I *hate* being overweight. But I keep going at it. You'd think I'd just flake on everything, but no, here it is 1:17 a.m. and I'm still up (and will now miss barre class) because I had emails to do and PPTs to write and I couldn't make myself stop. I feel bad because I'm not more productive. I screw around a lot during the work day so ten I stay up late to compensate. I wish I were more strategic and logical so I could figure out what to focus on and what to ignore. I really wish I had more of a growth mindset so I could stop beating myself for not knowing stuff and just opening myself up to learning - wasn't that what this job was about?


I realize that I need to stop using food to cope in general but I also need to decouple it from my job. And that feels about as hard as it's going to be to get a promotion when I don't even feel like I'm worthy of my current level. "Fake it til you make it?" But when will I ever feel like I made it?


The odd thing is that there is evidence that others think I'm ok/decent/good at this job but I can't accept it. It's a fleeting nicety that satisfies my soul for about a minute, and then I doubt myself again. Doubt isn't even the right word, it's downright hate the fact that I can't be more excited about my work and good at assimilating knowledge or facts. I vaguely like parts of my world, but the hard core business stuff... I just don't care enough.


And so I use food to cope, to take time out of my work day. I medicate myself with it, I amuse myself with it and every day I hope that the next day will bring a different mindset. About work and food.