Maybe the reason I keep putting off a decision about when to go visit my dad is that I want to deny that he's dying. I know he is, but it hasn't really sunk in and in my head and in my heart I don't want to believe it. I have a hard time imagining life without him. He's been such a good dad, a friend. I've valued his persepctive, wisdom, curiousity, POV, humor, and love. He's an anchor, a compass, and someone I've relied on for so many years.
In addition to missing the person, his absence will leave me and my sister to care for our mother and that seems like a burdensome task. It makes me feel terrible to say that but it's true. I know she will be cared for if she gets into the assisted living facility but there is still a level or caring that we'll need to provide, plus interacting with her probably on a more regular basis since she won't have others to call her, visit her.
It makes my stomach hurt thinking about it all. It makes me want to go eat the carton of ice cream I bought earlier. It makes me want to cry. It makes me want to crawl into bed and just go to sleep so I can forget all of this is happening.
I wish I had my shit together so I could be stronger for my family. That really hurts. And now I'll probably go eat that carton of ice cream. :(
#4 Gratitude: I'm grateful that I work for a company that has good benefits.
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