Why did I do that??

My compulsive eating is out of control right now. Ice cream, toast, peanut butter, chocolate... pretty much every night this week. And coffee during the day... 

Sometimes I'm deliberate about it and sometimes it "just happens". Either way the outcome is the same - I feel terrible about myself. But I'm more flummoxed by the "just happens" thing, especially when it happens in a heartbeat. For example: I had a very rational plan for lunch today - eat my last hot dog before it went bad*, drink a Coke, and have a small bag of chips. I ended up subbing the chips for carrots and I was proud of myself for that. Then as I was cleaning up and thinking about work** all of a sudden I veered into the fridge and got out my coffee (after I'd already had coffee this morning) with coconut milk (full fat), and then got into the freezer to get out the 1/2 pint of chocolate "ice cream" and made myself a milkshake while sitting in front of the TV watching South Park (supposedly for work). That's probably 750 calories I just ate, and I'm frustrated because my weight is going up again, my clothes don't fit, all my friends are getting skinnier, and I can't stop eating.

I keeping thinking that I'll have it under control, and then something will snap. I don't even really think about it sometimes, the food just goes in my mouth and then I hate myself for it.

I think I just hate myself in general right now... which is weird because sometimes I really feel happy and can accept myself (pudge and all) and other times I can feel that I'm punishing myself for something - for mistakes I made in the past, for being unable to make changes and move forward. For living a life I'm not totally loving, for not being authentic.

But then I think that's just a bunch of bullshit and I need to learn how to not stuff food in my face when I'm unhappy, sad, stressed out, or angry.

I don't know what it will take: more therapy, OA, quitting my job, quitting MSFT, moving... but I will keep trying.


*I have issues throwing out food - feels like I'm throwing away money
**I suspect this is what set me off...