Thin Excuses

I should write more, but I don't. Excuses are no time, no energy, don't want people reading it. But the thoughts in my head are loud and maybe they would be quieter if I let them out sometimes.


Lately I've been on a rollercoaster with work, with eating, with alternately wanting companionship and wanting to be alone. I'm avoiding people who are thinner than I am. It's painful to see people who are as thin as I used to be (and there are a number in my life) because I am envious and also think they have problems. Eventually I override my feelings of jealousy and self-hatred because I know it's bad for me to isolate, but I still avoid them sometimes.


I see overweight people and say mean things about them in my head and then think it's karma coming back to bite me that I can't stop eating, can't lose weight. The excuse is that I'm so stressed out and that it's the only thing keeping me from going crazy. Lame excuse.


I know I should quit my job but I can't bring myself to do it. I keep hoping it will get better, that my boss will finally only have to do one job and then I can only do one job and then maybe I'll like it better. Or that I'll figure out how to do this comms thing and once I get better at that then I'll like it better. That I'll get more praise and then I'll like it better. In the meantime, I cry pretty much every day, I eat too much every day, I fantasize about the life I want every day but I'm too afraid to pursue. The excuse is that giving up a job with the Chief Marketing Officer of a Fortune 100 company is something I'll regret.


In the meantime, I just wish I could be thin again. I know I should love my body no matter what size it is, but I just don't. I want to see my muscles again, my bones again. I want to have a thin face again, thin thighs again, thin ankles/wrists/waist. I want it all to be thin. I know this is stupid ED thinking, and I have no excuse for not accepting that I am at a perfectly "normal" weight and that it's ok to be a little pudgy for a while.


Someday I will give up all these thin excuses, buck up and make my life what I want it be.