The sadness

The sadness creeped in at the gym. I thought I should sign up for a gym near my office so I have a treadmill and personal trainer at my disposal. It's new and clean and light and nice enough but something about it's wide open spaces, not quite luxury trappings and slightly odd clientele made me despressed. It felt impersonal and "not quite me". The yoga class was taught by someone who was no better at yoga than the students, the room was too big, the music blaring overhead was distracting. I hated looking in the mirror at myself, my doughy body mocking me from multiple angles.


After leaving, I called my sister who of course didn't answer, blowing me off again. Made the big mistake of calling my mother to see if I could help her with her computer issue. It's clear that her dementia is getting worse and worse, her cognitive skills declining, her speech getting slower and more labored. I find myself getting impatient with her and then mad at myself that I can't be nice. More sad making.


I knew I was going to overeat when I got home. I should have called someone, but I don't feel like talking to anyone. I should have texted someone, but didn't know what to say. "Help, stop me from eating"? Yes, that's exactly what I should have said but didn't.


Because the sad truth is I want to eat. I want to stuff myself. I want sugar and fat and salt and crunchy and chewy and cold and warming and anything that causes a sensation. I guess I want to feel something, I want to feel full ---> fulfilled? Certainly I'm not fulfilled by my life right now.


I probably need to go back on anti-depressants but I don't know who can subscribe them for me, and they feel like a crutch. I should be better than that, and I'm sad that I'm not. I'm sad I'm not skinny anymore, that I'm not always the skinniest person on the earth. I'm sad that I get mad at people skinnier than me and that I like to compare myself favorably to people who are heavy. I'm of course I'm sad that I can't eat what I want to anymore. (Filling myself up with substitute foods doesn't help, but that doesn't stop me.)


I don't know how I'm going to get past all this, and that makes me very, very sad.


I hope that I don't get SAD on top of all this sadness because that will probably do me in...