Stop!

That's what I need to say to myself every time I eat when I'm not hungry, when I eat foods that make me feel icky, when I make choice about food based on what others are eating.

I have to stop eating till I feel sick, to dampen my feelings, to lessen my frustrations, to punish myself.

But I don't know why I can't make myself stop. I just keep doing the same thing over and over again. Not very smart.

Maybe it's because I listen to my head and not my heart, because I'm finding little enjoyment in the other things in my life, because I it's how I drug myself.

None of this is new. But something hasn't clicked yet and so I keep falling in the hole.

And I need to stop because my clothes don't fit, I look gross, I feel gross, and it's just another thing for me to beat myself up about.

I want to be thin again, to look athletic, to not be embarrassed about being in a bathing suit (like I was today). I want to be the one people envy, not the one envying others.

But I also have to stop making promises about what "diet" I'm going to go on tomorrow. Because that is clearly backfiring. I just don't know what will work. And I don't know who's going to help me figure that out.

Ok, off to drug myself now because I couldn't stop myself from eating crap and eating too much of it and now my stomach hurts and I won't be able to sleep unless I take an Ambien.

I hope the voices in my head stop long enough to let me get some good sleep...