Breathing is hard

I mean that in a literal way... for the last few days I've been having a hard time catching my breath, feel like I'm wheezing and can hear the air being forced out when I exhale. I have to force myself to take deep breaths or my breathing becomes so shallow sometimes that I get a little lightheaded.

I'm not doing very well with my emotional control and I'm trying not to cry all the time or in front of my father. It's so hard.

Of course, I'm still totally obsessed with how heavy I am, how much I'm eating, what I'm eating, and beating myself up about it all. I wish I could give my fat to my dad so he wouldn't look so thin. (I want to give him color too - he looks grey and washed out. Like he's fading away.) I want to go work out but I don't have the energy and feel guilty about going.

I was hoping I'd lose my appetite while I was here so I could lost weight. I keep reminding myself that that's not the point. I'm here for my dad, and it shouldn't matter what I eat or don't eat. I shouldn't punish myself either way. But the voices are too loud. I hate being me right now. Fat, unhappy, unfulfilled, sad.

A friend of mine said that once my dads "passes" that I need to get back to living. I want to get back to being normal. I'm so tired of being a food freak. I'm just tired, period.