frustrated

I've gained 5 lbs in the last week


I'm jealous of my friends who are thinner than I am


I want to eat all the time


I can't stop making myself eat FS foods


I have a plan and then I break it


I eat crappy and then feel crappy


I keep promising myself I'll do better but don't


I stay up way too late at night and don't get enough sleep


I have no discipline or will power


I'm supposed to figure out what the feelings are that I'm not addressing but I'm not sure what they are: frustration with myself that I can't figure out what to do about my job?
sadness because I'm lonely?
irritation that I feel like my friends always seem to dog out on me?
anger that I can't eat gluten and corn and dairy and night shades and...?
annoyance that I can't change my life like others seem to be able to?
melancholy because I can't cure my sister, father, or mother of their illnesses?
anxiety because I don't really care about my job?
depression because the world is going to shit and I feel too tired to help change that?
yearning for my old body, my old mindset?
shame about my ED/OA issues?
distaste for the way I've allowed myself to gain weight?
powerless over food?
jealous because I'm no long the skinny one?
upset because I keep buying things I don't need?
dejected because I can't show people my true self?


Frustration like this sometimes makes me do dumb things, like buy a house I didn't really want, hire a contractor I had doubts about, buy diamond earrings when I don't need them. I need to channel my frustration another way, but I don't know what path to take. Story of my life....