Sinking

I've fallen in the hole again. Hard, deep, scratched up and dirty.


I spent the last week working my ass off, feeling inadequate, eating to combat stress, sleep deprivation, and feelings.


I hate my body - how it looks, how it feels. I hate my mind for not being more in control, for constantly chattering at me. I'm mad at myself for being weak - why can't I go back to not eating things that are bad for me and make me fat? I'm mad at people who are thinner than I am, who have control over what they put in their mouths, who don't have to worry about what goes in their systems. I'm angry that I can't make a decision about my job. It makes me suffer, but I can't let go of the opportunity, the prestige, the feeling that if I quit that I am the loser. I'm angry that I can't change my life for it to be the way I want.


People think my life is awesome - working for the Chief Marketing Office of a Fortune 100 company, seeing Lady Gaga in concert, diving with whale sharks. I guess I'm good at PR. Because I just feel like I'm sinking...

I am slowing down
As the years go by
I am sinking

So I trick myself
Like everybody else

The secrets I hide
They twist me inside
They make me weaker

So I trick myself
Like everybody else

So I trick myself
Like everybody else

I crouch in fear and wait
I'll never feel again
Only I could, only I could
If only I could remember
Anything at all

http://binged.it/1kknP3e