It's gray and rainy here today, forecasted for this weather through Christmas. My dad is at the hospital for a procedure to try to get rid of the tubes in his back, but none of us are hopeful it will succeed. I'm worried he'll be sick and out of it for Christmas Eve. My sister is stressed out about coming, her husband's family is also having lots of health issues to deal with, and while I want them to come for Xmas, having them come also complicates lodging and the family dynamic. My guts are in knots, probably because I ate lots of dim sum on Saturday (but eff it, I'm still going to eat what I want in moderation while I'm here) and I'm sad that I had to buy new bras, underwear and clothes to fit my expanding frame. I'm trying to take it in stride. I let myself sleep more this morning, and now I'm trying to plan my day... working out? shopping? watching TV? Don't know yet. I certainly can't go to the beach or to the pool to get some sun! But I know that this is just something to process through and to acknowledge the feelings and then move ahead. Sometimes it's just easier to make myself busy busy but then I guess that's when I end up eating to cope. A friend of mine said she's been more depressed lately and it seeking some "chemical" support. I've though about it, but that feels like a crutch just like the food.
I have forced myself to start eating my binge foods in front of my parents in hopes that they become less stigmatized for me, but it doesn't necessarily keep me from overeating. And I still sneak food a bit. But, it's a step that feels positive to me. Maybe if I can take little steps like this - and eating more things I want to eat while still respecting my body - that the "when" I conquer this dumb ED/CE disease will come faster. I hope so. 2015 is looking to be a tumultuous year, and I need to figure out how to manage through it all.
Ok, off to start my day... at 10:00 a.m. My gray brain says slacker, but the wiser me says I'm just cutting myself some slack...
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