I'm having anxiety again about eating too much... what to eat, when to eat... I hate watching people eat, I hate hearing people eat.
I'm trying to figure out how to cope without turning to food. It would be so much easier to not eat. Once I start, I don't want to stop.
Right now I'm struggling with wanting to stuff myself full of food. Turkey that I spent $ on that's going to spoil (like the other deli meat that's spoiled in my parents' fridge because I buy stuff that's not full of chemical preservatives). Toast that's yummy, warm and comforting (which I'm eating right now, actually). I can feel my pulse rising and my breathing shallowing because I want to eat but I know it's a danger area for me, and because I feel guilty about it.
Tonight we are going out to dinner and I hope it's pleasant. I've decided that I don't want to make a big deal out of my food sensitivities and I hope my mom doesn't either. I hope that don't have a meltdown when I get home for some reason and binge.
Someday I want to just feel happy about food again. Not all this anxiety. I want to stop stuffing my face all the time, and I want to eat more healthily. I just don't think now is the time since I keep making plans to diet and eat better and I keep blowing it. It just seems like some form of self-flagellation to keep that self-destructive cycle going....
I hate that I'm like this right now. It takes away from my time with my parents. I'm not present because I'm thinking about food, food issues, etc. I know my ED is taking a negative toll and I'm working towards changing my habits, but it's so so hard.
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