I just did it again - read someone's blog about their elimination diet and what awesome benefits it had for them, and then I went to the link to the book and the website her program was based on and then I thought about how I'm terrible because I'm eating things I shouldn't be eating: nightshades, nuts, FODMAPS foods, too much sugar, meat, "cheat foods", etc. I feel BAD about myself... why can't I just figure out what's RIGHT FOR ME and do that? Why do I feel compelled to WASTE TIME (at work no less) obsessing over what others are doing?
I hate it that I want to eat "bad" foods, that I even think of them as "bad" foods. I desperately want to be thinner, have less body pain and issues, and not think about food. But it's all I do. I feel like the guy in the Scarlet Letter who flogs himself in the closet and wears a hair shirt to punish himself for having impure thoughts.
I don't know why I'm so attached to food, and while I want to be less attached sometimes I just want to tell people to fuck off with their food ideas and just let me be. I'm tired of the noise, the voices, the constant chatter.
I'm tired of feeling bad about myself. And so I punish myself because of it.
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