I suck

I keep eating.
I keep lying to myself.
I keep avoiding my problems.


I tried a bath tonight so I wouldn't eat chocolate, but I still ate it after I got out.
I wanted to go to bed early, but I did email instead.
And I should do more, but I just don't care.


They say you should stand up for what you want.
Why can't I?
Why can't I be honest with myself about what I want?
Maybe then the voices in my head would go away.


I'm angry at my friends for being thinner than I am.
I'm angry at myself that I can't lose weight, that I can't be the skinny person I used to be.


I keep stuffing down my feelings when food.
When will it stop?


It seems like everything in my life makes me feel bad about myself.
Can't keep up at work.
Don't understand things others do.
Not motivated to make the changes I need to make.
Or scared to try.
Angry at my body for not letting me eat what I want to eat.
Punishing it by eating what I shouldn't.
I'm like a horrible alcoholic or drug addict, only with food.


I wonder why I bother going to therapy.
I wonder why I let myself keep going on down this path I don't want to be on.
What's in it for me?
Do my friends like me better now?
My family?
Do I like me any better?


I'm on the treadmill and I'm tired of it.
The roller coaster and it makes me sick.


I don't know who to talk to anymore.
I don't want to talk anyway.
It just doesn't matter.
I should just give up.


Because I suck.
Always have, always will.