Last night I wrote about how I keep repeating the past... falling in the hole.
I write, which is supposed to help you, but it doesn't seem to.
Is it because I don't talk about the real feelings? The reasons why I keep having "behaviors" whether that's the thoughts that run crazy through my head or the eating, the grazing, the stuffing down with food or being a little obsessive about exercise?
Probably.
So here's what I'm feeling right now, as I'm struggling to get back to work after lunch, as I want to eat a pile of cookies or chocolate, or anything that will medicate me a bit....
Had lunch with a colleague who is successful, loves her job, rail thin, and now I find out is a triathlete/open water swimmer. She's faster than me, of course. Looks better than me in a swimsuit, now that I'm 10 lbs over my desired weight. Can actually race, which I can't because of my back. I feel inadequate, lame, a poseur, a loser. I don't like my job, I'm not that good at it, I keep making mistakes, I hate feeling like I have to work all the time. All these thoughts burbled up in me as I at my salad with the chicken I feel bad about eating because I should be a vegan, and now my body doesn't feel good so of course there's something in it I shouldn't be eating. I hate being myself some days.
I keep flip flopping about what I should do about this job. Half the time I want to keep, even feel a little excited about it. The other half of the time, I want to run out the door and never look back.
I'm having an anxiety attack and I don't know how to make this icky feeling go away... Medicating myself with food is easy and comforting. I know it's not the answer, but right now I suck at self care. I feel guilty for sitting here writing vs. working. I want to go for a walk but have the same guilt. I'm always behind at work and making mistakes so taking time from it feels wrong.
Ok, enough writing for now. The saga that made me want to eat last night (issues with my sister and her illness) will have to wait....
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