Willful eating

Yes, I've read all about mindful eating. Today was full of willful eating instead. I'm almost embarrassed to write this down, but I felt like I need to to be accountable and to have a record of all the ways this ED is getting to me.

It started with breakfast. We did go to Zippy's and I was pissed because I wanted French Toast but didn't feel like I could/should order it. So I had rice and Portuguese sausage... aaaand part of my dad's bacon and hashbrowns. Sigh.

We looked at the bakery and I saw a bunch of stuff in the case I wanted to eat. As well as a cake I wanted to order for Christmas since my dad said he liked it (food is love after all :p). Even as we were driving out of the parking lot I was hatching a plan to come back and order the cake and maybe have a pastry.

After a very frustrating shopping trip with my mom, which made me frustrated with myself because I couldn't contain my irritation with her, I dropped her off and walked to the Zippy's. I ordered the cake and three pastries: a filled malasada, a flaky donut and some other thing that was new to me (my excuse for ordering it). I ate half of each while walking to the Walgreen's to get photos when I happened upon a shave ice/ice cream shop that had vegan ice cream. Coco monkey and lilikoi banana pineapple were sampled and then two scoops put in a bowl. I highly enjoyed that ice cream while walking to my next errands.

A friend came to visit my mom and dad and when snacks were put out, even though I wasn't really hungry I ate plenty of hummus, rice crackers, apples and also drank a bit of wine. Then it was time for dinner. I said to myself that I needed "real food" so I had some soup and salad. I wasn't feeling satisfied so I had half a toasted tortilla.

Then I was being drawn to the pastries again. I made the excuse to eat the malasada saying the cream would go bad. Then I ate more the donut and picked at the no-name pastry. Right now I'm hoping that my parents go to bed soon so I can heat up and put some jam on no-name.

All this while I'm feeling my skin expand, I look in mild disgust at the fat by my elbow, and worry that my clothes really won't fit tomorrow. I'm feeling a little helpless in all this, but still petulant like a kid who doesn't want to be told what to do. Willful eating, not mindful.