I hate my body right now, my fat legs, the roll on my stomach, the lumps on my thighs, my too big boobs, my blobby arms. I can't stand the way I look and feel. I know the answer is to stop eating but I'm having such a hard time with that. I keep telling myself that I'm learning and I'm practicing but really I feel like I'm failing. I'm trying to write, text people, call friends, etc. I've been trying a bit more to figure out if I need to sleep or read to combat the urge to eat. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Tonight I obsessed about eating chocolate, but didn't. At least not yet.
I cried today about being so pudgy and doughy and my dad found me in my bedroom crying while looking out the window at a rainbow. I'm glad he didn't ask why I was crying because "I hate being fat" is a terrible answer while he's dying. I suppose the fatness is linked to the food which is linked to my unhappiness about him dying (and my mom being so memory challenged) but at the surface, the emotions are about how awful I look and feel in my clothes and in my skin. I don't know how to "feel" my emotions any more than I do without turning into a hot mess every single hour of the day.
P.S. I bought a bigger bra because mine don't fit anymore but I can't bring myself to take it out of the box or wash it because it feels like I'm giving up and admitting I have no control over this.
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