I can't help myself

Today was the first day of the 2nd round of the Sneakers challenge which helped me to lost 15 pounds. Now that I've put 10 of those back on in the last two weeks from binge eating every night, I was hoping that the kick off would get me back on track.

It didn't.

I got through dinner within my calorie limit for the day but then proceeded to binge 1500 more calories into my mouth.

And other than being frustrated with my mom, I had no real reason to eat. And every reason to go to bed since I've been sleeping like crap and have a long swim race tomorrow.

Bur I guess looking back at today, I was depressed because the weather sucked and my sister didn't come today. Plus I thought about how I don't want to go home but I don't want to stay here with my mom because it makes me sad and mad to deal with her. And I was going to start IOP at Ai Pono but they are putting it off and then what's the point because I have to go home. Furthermore I am taunted by the women in my other challenge who are all skinny and ripped and love to post pictures of themselves in their underwear.

Two weeks ago I was proud of myself, my body.... I was looking forward to getting more fit, ripped and ready for the Dawg Dash. What happened?

I need help but I don't know that is.

Frustrated Francesca

It's been ages since I've written. I want to say that I suck, but I know part of my problem is that I have low self esteem and I'm mean to myself.

Anyway, after having good success with Sneakers - despite my weekend bingeing, I managed to lose 17 lbs! - I have been eating my head off for the last week. I've gained back 7 lbs, make myself feel sick eating on a regular basis, and keep beating myself doing the "last supper/I'll start anew" tomorrow thing. It sucks.

I'm frustrated with my mom, which makes me eat.
I'm frustrated that I can't eat what I want, which makes me eat.
I'm frustrated that I can't change (my eating, my work, my life).
I'm frustrated that I can make myself work out but not stop eating.
I'm frustrated that I like food so much.

I feel like I have no way to change and sometimes I don't want to change. But ultimately I do. I love being thin and fit and being proud of my body.  (I wish I had as much dedication to my job.)

I feel like no one can help me no matter how much therapy I do, who I talk to, or how many coping skills/distractions/mindfulness techniques I try. I just end up back with my face in the fridge.

Someday it will change. I just wish it were sooner rather than later.

I'm tired of being frustrated with myself all the time.

Food Drunk

I was doing so well with my food after joining the Sneakers program. Managed to lose over 10 lbs and was looking pretty good. Wasn't bingeing, exercising more consistently, eating pretty healthily.

Then something happened.

I have been eating 3000-4000 calories a day, mostly at night. Stuffing myself until I feel sick. Never feeling satisfied with the food I'm eating. I can't make myself stop.

It's like I'm some horrible alcoholic. I've even put myself into a food stupor. Fallen asleep on the couch, on top of my bed and then woken up and gone back to the kitchen to eat more.

Every day I promise myself I'll be better today and then - like today - I blow it by eating a bag of chips at lunch, forbidden sweets stuff like maple-covered pecans, and then doing the classic "well I fucked it up already so..." and there I am like an alkie running to the liquor store for another bottle of hooch.

It makes me sad and angry that I can't figure out how to not abuse food. Not to abuse my body, my self, my psyche, my soul. I'm angry at myself, punishing myself.

I read an article that said I need to figure out the cause of the anger so I can address it. Here's where it's stemming from, I think:

- Still angry about my food sensitivities
- Angry I have to be here instead of at home
- Angry that my dad died, especially that he died before my mom did
- Angry that my mom is like a shell of her former self; memory problems, walks like a really old lady, eats like an old person... sounds mean I know but I hate seeing it
- Angry that my sister isn't fully functioning so she can help more
- Angry that I can't stop using food to cope
- Angry that I can't be more compassionate with my mom
- Angry that I'm not better at juggling everything
- Angry that my friends and family can't help me right now.

There's no reason for me to keep eating, logically it flies in the face of everything I'm trying to accomplish. But the chemicals feel good in my body, the taste is lovely on my tongue, and the satisfaction I get from feel stuffed is better than the "ehn" feeling I'm having most of the time.

I miss my old self. Not preoccupied with food, fit and happier with life.

When did I become such a horrible addict?  :p

Super Angry

After a kinda crappy night of sleep, I had a pretty decent morning and then everything went to shit. Super angry all day. Yelling at my mom, banging the steering wheel, losing my cool even after reminding myself to be compassionate.

I was really hungry and totally angry ate way too much salad, plowed through chocolate and really really want to eat the carrot cake lurking in the fridge.

I can't decide whether to stay at home, go sit in the hot tub and go to bed early - ignoring all the "to dos" I have on my list - or go to the movies with my sister - still ignoring my to dos - or lie on the couch and watch TV then go do the things I need to do.

I hate days like this where I don't get to work out, don't get to shower, and feel grumpy all day.

I need to take drugs or I'm going to start eating the house. Wait, I'm already eating the house. I looked at myself in the mirror today and I'm so fat and blobby and full of cellulite. I am so gross. But I just want to keep eating. I don't care enough to stop.

Good days, bad nights

The last two days have been a mixture of fun and kinda bad bingeing. Sis and I didn't eat well the last two days while we were on our island tour, and nights are stressful with my mom so that leads to too much ice cream and/or grazing.

I realized tonight as I was chowing down on my second helping of ice cream (with PB, very satisfying) that my dad's ashes were "watching me". It made me feel bad. I never wanted him to see how I used food and there I was just eating away. I realize he's not really seeing me but my conscious got the better of me.

Things are VERY stressful here with everything going on so the nighttime eating has been pretty yucky late. I hope to get things under control soon.

Suffering

My dad is succumbing to his cancer. He's in a hospice house right now because he got confused, agitated and unable to walk without assistance. He wants to come die at home, but I'm scared to have him here. I want to honor his wishes but I'm afraid I won't be able to do the things he needs done, even with a full-time CNA here. I don't want to watch the gross stuff that will happen, and I know I am not graceful or compassionate in the face of those things. I don't know what to do.

I know my stupid ED doesn't matter right now, nor should my weight but of course it's rearing its ugliness. Vacillating between not being able to eat and eating way too much. It's terrible. I know it's not good for my body which needs all the help it can get right now because I'm stressed out, sleep deprived and fighting a lingering cold.

I cry all the time, and wonder how my mom, sister and I are going to get through this. The little voice inside is me is yelling for help. I feel like I'm drowning in quicksand. I'm sad and angry, defeated and anxious. I feel like a terrible daughter to my father right now. This is exactly what he didn't want and I can't make it go away.

I'm not ready

My dad's health seems to be taking another downward turn. More pain, more sleeping, and most worrying, a sudden onset of confusion and inability to process logically. He can't figure out his medication box anymore, which is really worrying since last week he was able to.

I'm totally freaked out right now (2:23 a.m.) because an hour ago he tried to get into bed with me and when I told him he was in the wrong place, he insisted he was in the right place. When I led him into his bedroom, it was almost like he was in a trance. He complained of pain but couldn't tell me where it hurt.

I called the hospice people and the on call nurse said this is a sign of the last stages of life but that you don't know how long this stage will last.

I'm not ready to lose him but I don't know if I'm capable of taking care of him like this. I'm so bad with illness, bodily fluids, etc. I don't want to change diapers, I don't want to deal with bedpans. I thought that's what hospice did, but apparently not. I don't want to remember my dad this way.

I wish we had planned better. I thought we had but now I'm in a panic. I need help and I don't know what to do. I'm afraid of what's coming next. I don't know if I'll be able to get through this.

UGH how much more do we have to deal with??

Just got a call from my sister, in tears. She's in huge conflict with her husband, worried about her future. She's worried about supporting herself, going bankrupt, her stuff, not having anywhere to live or anyway to support herself. She needs money and a plan. I can do the money, sure, but the plan is another thing. I can figure something out I'm sure, but it just feels like so much on top of everything else. When will life stop slamming our family with all this stuff? Why can't we just have one thing to deal with? I suppose that's unrealistic, but juggling all this crud at once just seems so hard, so unfair. I guess I'm meant to learn resilience, coping skills, compartmentalization, etc. It just feels so overwhelming at times.

Stubborn

My mother is so stubborn it drives me crazy. I have to let go of the outcome because most of it really doesn't matter. But the problem is it makes me angry and that makes me want to overeat. Argh. I'm really stubborn too, kind of like how I refuse to stop eating to smother my feelings. Even though my weight is going up, my face is fat, how I'm getting double chin. Yuck. In the meantime, my mom is so skinny I can practically see through her. Which also makes me mad. Ugh. I miss being that skinny.

BTW, funny saying I just heard on The Big Bang Theory: "Right through the ears and straight to the feelings...." In my case, it's right through the ears and straight to the stomach.

I don't get it

I can make myself tough it out for a hard workout, I can make myself finish a hard ocean swim race, I can make myself get up to go workout (ok, not all of the time). But I can't get myself to stop eating too much or stuff I'm not supposed to eat. I don't understand why.

I keep vacillating between "it's ok" and "for god's sake stop already". I try to give myself compassion but I hate the way I look and how my clothes (don't) fit. I am envious of super thin and fit people, but I keep poking food in my piehole.

It makes no sense.

Oh, and now I'm sick. First time in over a year, I think. Not good timing. I have a tough week of work coming up, I'm flying a bunch Th/Fr and I'm doing the Bay to Breakers next weekend. I get that my body is trying to tell me something. I just don't want to hear it. I don't have time to slow down, sleep more or rest. My dad is dying, my mom is going batty, work is heating up and I need to be present to help and be a stable force.

Ok, off to cook dinner. I'm not even hungry but I'm sure I'll eat anyway. :(

Strange behavior

My stomach has been hurting the past couple days, abdomen bloated, and guts all in a twist. You'd think I'd avoid food. But no, I eat more.

I can't seem to get to bed without eating ice cream and something carby every night. Sometimes some peanut butter too. The crazy all out binge has been held at bay but I'm always stuffing 500-600 extra calories in my face every night.

I'm tired and know sleep deprivation causes overeating and added fat, but I never go to bed before 1:00. I rarely get more than 6 hrs of sleep.

I want everyone to be nice to each other and be happy, when what we're dealing with is definitely not happy. But I guess I think my dad's illness is so hard to watch that any added ickiness just makes everyone feel worse.

I came to help my parents but I've been unwilling to stop working other than to meet with the hospice people. I won't drive my parents places during the day, but I'll take my sister to the airport mid-morning.

Ok, time to go to bed. More meetings, more angst about my parents' precarious health, and more non-stop thinking about food tomorrow! oh joy!

With apologies to Robert Palmer

My lights are on, but I'm not home
My mind is not my own
My heart sweats, my body shakes
Another piece of toast is what it takes

I won't sleep, I want to eat
There's no doubt, I'm in deep
My heart is sad, I try to breathe
Another chip is what I need

Whoa, I like to think that I can say no to the stuff, oh yeah
It's closer to the truth to say I can't get enough
I know I'm gonna have to face it, I'm addicted to food

I see the signs, but I don't heed
I'm stuffing down a different need
My spoon dips in double time
Another scoop and I'll be fine, a quiet mind?

I can't be saved
More food is all I crave
If there's some left I'll chew
I do mind if I do

Whoa, I like to think that I'm immune to the stuff, oh yeah
It's closer to the truth to say I can't get enough
I know I'm gonna have to face it, I'm addicted to food

Might as well face it, I'm addicted to food
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to food
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to food
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to food
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to food

My lights are on, but I'm not home
My will is not my own
My palms sweat and teeth grind
Another chip and I'll be fine

Whoa, I like to think that I'm immune to the stuff, oh yeah
It's closer to the truth to say I can't get enough
I know I'm gonna have to face it, I'm addicted to food

Might as well face it, I'm addicted to food
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to food
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to food
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to food
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to food

Family Dynamics

Every time I think things are going to "Pan Out" with the family, there's some big blow up and things get all wonky again. My sister is in an angry mood and apparently got into a huge fight with my mom over dinner. Then she got into a huge fight with my dad after dinner. Now she says she is planning on leaving and not coming back, vs. coming back after I leave. Throws a little wrench in the works because I don't think my parents should be alone but I also need time to be at home, both to get my maintenance done and to de-stress a little bit.

Right now she's looking at places on Maui so she can go back and forth supposedly. All I know is that I shouldn't spend more time looking for places to live with her because she's so mercurial about everything right now.

Yes, all of this makes me want to go eat. It also makes me want to sleep but I can't because she's in my room on the computer. Oh well... such is life. Ups and downs, going around on the merry-go-round....

Why can't we be a normal family

Just spent an unpleasant afternoon with my sister going through my dad's medications. I was stressed because I wanted to be working - I have lots to do. She was crabby because she's mad at Hawaiian Airlines and her doctors and wants to go home. We're both upset that we have to be doing this while watching our dad decline and mom as well. It's tough.

I want to eat right now, although I think what I really need is sleep. In the last week I've gotten less than 6 hours of sleep a night except for one. I'm trying to work out because I'm chubbing it out there dog.

I'm still sort of binge-y at night but not too horrible. I hope I can keep making progress on that front. I know I need to practice other tools but it seems so hard sometimes. It's easier to just poke yummy things in my mouth.

I know things are going to get worse as the months go on so I need to practice better behaviors (food-wise and family-wise). I'm going to have to be vigilant about work - in carving out the time I need to do it, only doing things that are important and time sensitive and also saying when it's too much.

I need to take better care of my body so I can help care for my parents. And myself.

free food

as if food weren't hard enough, the free food thing at work causes me angst. There's always yummy looking stuff I can't eat which makes me angry 😠 and then I end up overeating stuff that I feel like its ok to eat (although probably not really). I want to break this cycle.of feeling like I am living in lack and then hoarding food. I'm kind of failing miserably at restraining myself when it comes to volume of food or type of food. Too much ice cream, too much cola... Too much bacon this morning. I dont know what it will take to break this cycle. Small steps? Compassion? It's certainly not the number on the scale (higher than I want) or my clothes fitting (tighter than I want). Things are getting tougher with family and hours are long at work. Food cant be my stress relief. It causes me stress. It is not freeing.

Stuffing my feelings down?

Another banner night of eating peanut butter and chocolate. Woo hoo! It's been a stressful weekend - not enough time, too much to do, ruminating on thoughts about what I'm going to say to the waterproofing guy about the unsatisfactory work they did, and weird conversations with my family. I've felt the anxiety rising, sometimes crying, sometimes not, trying to reach out to people but spending a lot of time in my head.


I told a friend that I guess I didn't know how to process my feelings because I'm still being lame and eating all the time. Usually at night after the day has wound down and I'm sitting in front of the computer or the TV. Naturally some of it is the stress of what's going on with my family, and now that stupid basement project that I thought I should put off but convinced myself to go ahead with... Sigh. I think it's also work... I don't want to go. It's hard and time consuming (12 hour days again) and I don't get much reward for it. But I must get something because I don't get out of it.


So now here I am after midnight feeling sick and annoyed with myself and wondering how sucky it's going to be to go back to HNL where things are tough with my dad and my mom, and the dynamic of me and my sister being together is challenging.


I hope the eating disorder clinic there calls me back. I need some help with this feelings crap.

Stressed

I got home tonight and realized my basement project is going to turn into a huge headache. So much for just putting stuff away. The way the concrete was laid means my washer/dryer and laundry tub probably can't go back where they were - the slant is too sever. The flooring in the gear room and supply closet were only half taken out so now the floor is uneven. The workers didn't totally clean up like they said they would. And they scuffed and gouged my hall walls so those have to get patched and painted. I want to cry but I can't muster up the energy. I'm exhausted from work, so much to do and feeling pressure to not say no. I wasn't able to work out yesterday and today's workout was only 30 minutes long when it was supposed to be an hour. I had a lovely tea with a friend after working out, but all that loveliness is now washed away with my mind racing about all the work I have to do in my basement to make it right. And I still have to fix the shingles in the back, the pipes leading to the bathroom, and get the sewer line fixed. How am I supposed to do all this stuff when I'm supposed to go back to Honolulu?


My dad sounds like he's not doing well, physically or mentally. He's so out of it when I call now and his tales of various physical woes and spiritual indignities make me sad and worried. My mom is so forgetful and ditzy that I wonder if she is helpful to him at all. My sister is in Maui at her swanky condo which is great, but she's also still not super well.


And then there's me.... eating stuff I shouldn't eat because it makes my body unhappy, eating too much because it makes me happy in the moment, not getting enough sleep, not getting enough exercise, and trying to please everyone. I feel like I'm heading for a nervous breakdown or the fat farm since I continue to flail at stopping my emotional eating. I pretend I'm eating ok and then get mad when I look at the scale or wear my clothes or feel shitty. I'm acting out like some horrible pre-teen who's been told "no" or has to do something they don't like doing. If my proclivities were towards drugs or alcohol I would probably be high or drunk all the time. Maybe I need to start taking meds, but I'm afraid of the ones the doctor gave me. The alprazolam helps, but not enough. I might take an ambien tonight to help me sleep but I worry I'm getting used to taking it again and I also worry I won't wake up in time for my 7:30 meeting. Ugh, a 7:30 meeting. And then meetings all day long and a team dinner at night so I won't get to work out again.


Other tiny stresses: I left my bathing suit at the pool Sunday and I'm afraid I won't get it back - it's brand new, too. My workout shorts and shirt didn't fit today - they used to be baggy. My lunch had tons of cilantro in it so it mad me add so I ate the chips that might have been cooked in corn oil and then proceeded to eat the trail mix with chocolate chips that probably have corn in them and then tonight ate the rice crispy dessert bar with PB and chocolate that no doubt had corn in it. See how much I suck right now? I just don't know how to channel my stress well enough. I guess I could sleep more. I should sleep more. So I guess I'll go do that now. Good night.


P.S. Why doesn't writing make me feel better?

Back on the treadmill

If only it were the treadmill at the gym... two days back in Redmond and I've already put in two 12 hour days. I've been trying to do everything. I've been multi-tasking. I'm beating myself for not being good enough. I'm eating like crap. I'm not sleeping enough. And it's really screwing with me.


If this isn't the life I want, why do I keep doing it?
Same with the eating.... if this isn't the body I want why do I keep eating.


I keep wondering why but I haven't figured out the answer yet. Can anyone tell me?  Thanks.

Melt down

I hate my body right now. I hate that I can't make myself stop eating. I hate my mom for being able to eat half a bowl of rice and stopping. I hate that she's so skinny and I'm so fat. I hate that my dad gets to eat whatever he wants because he's going to die soon. I hate that my clothes are too tight and that I can't wear things I used to be able to wear. The sad part is I know that if I don't eat, I'll lose weight. If I go back to my old diet I'll be thin and feel better. But I can't make it stop. I hate myself.

Death and whatnot

Lots of tough discussion with my family lately. My dad is being up front about how he's feeling and his desire to not be in pain or losing dignity due to his cancer. He doesn't really love his life right now and although he's not ready to be gone now, he's intimating that it won't be long before he is. Hard subject to discuss because I obviously don't want him to be gone, my mom can barely deal with it, and my sister went to the ER this weekend because she's distressed about it (and she's not even here yet).

My sister has also told me that she wants to die. She hates her life, it has no meaning, and when our dad is gone if her health problems don't get better, she's going too. I don't know how I can agree that my father has the right to die and not agree that my sister does too. She's been sick for so long, with no real path to recovery for her. My father has instilled in her that it's only going to get harder as we get older.

It's all very depressing but I'm doing my best to keep calm in the face of all of this. But of course it makes me eat. I do ok during the day but nighttime comes and it's a free for all. I've had some success with limiting what I eat the last few days but not tonight. I was already frustrated that I frittered away my chance to work out by working too late. I thought I might go after dinner but that didn't happen because of prolonged conversation with my parents and a phone call from my sister. Then I felt like I needed to work more. I succumbed into dessert (PB banana smoothie), then mango strips because I was tired, and now chips because... I have no idea why really. Upset? Frustrated? Sad? Yeah, probably all of the above.

I called the ED clinic here in Hawaii, but no answer. My dad is inviting the social worker/therapist from the hospice to come talk to the family, but I'm thinking that won't help my eating stuff. My mom got a referral to some psychologists I could check out but it sounds like I'd need a referral and I don't have one.

I'm trying to be compassionate with myself, but really I'm just frustrated. I want to stop this madness that's making me unhappy. I'm worried this will get even worse once my dad dies, if my sister dies. I just can't stand being pudgy, much less fat. It won't make me want to kill myself, but it makes me feel less like I'm living the life I should be living.

I know the answer lies within, but I'm resisting the truth, the need to change, the reality that's only too obvious with others but not myself.

1:00, time for bed. I hope I can sleep tonight with all these thought running through my head.

Disappointed

I'm letting eating control me
I'm letting others control me
I'm letting others anger/frustrate/irritate me

I need to sleep more
Worry less
Not obsess so much
Be nicer

I'm tired
lonely
depressed, melancholy

I want to be thin
And successful
And a patient, kind person
Who can control my feelings
And what I put in my mouth

But I'm not that right now
So I'm disappointed in myself

Big time.

I am super angry right now

Just lost another apartment. This one was a good solution but my sister wants to keep weighing options, looking, looking and I don't want to commit to anything without her ok. So, I don't want to look anymore until she is here in person and can look with me. And then she can do all the looking she wants while I'm not here.

It kills me that these things affect me so much. I'm crying right now because I'm so frustrated and angry and upset. I wanted this to be all sorted out, I want to have a place to stay that's not always in flux. I don't want to have to constantly move But I want to spend time with my dad while he's still sort of ok. Even though it doesn't feel like I'm really spending that much time with him right now it's better than just phone calls.

I just wish we could get the apartment shit sorted out and get on with this.

Having angst

Big binge last night, totally prompted by... nothing? Wasn't really anxious, although maybe it's all the shit lying underneath. Plus I didn't follow my rule about taking Ambien. I took it before I was in bed, and all hell broke loose. As a result I weigh a pound more today than I did yesterday. Sigh. But Oddly, I didn't totally beat myself up about it. It was what it was. I ate a normal breakfast and lunch.

But NOW I'm having angst.

What should I do about an apartment? Still kicking myself about losing the place here because it was so PERFECT and I'm looking every day (even though I don't really want to, I should be working). Some places seem ok, but I don't want to make the decision considering what happened last time. But my sister isn't coming until next week and my dad has made some ominous remarks about needing family time to discuss "what's next" and so I'm not really interested in signing a 6 month least ANYWHERE. I worry about living with my sister and whether she is going to bail on me. OR complain all the time. Or hog up my time while I need to work.

I'm not training like I should for Bay to Breakers. I'm unmotivated to go long distance right now. Maybe I will try tonight. I enjoyed my swim last night but felt so slow. I remind myself that I"m there to enjoy the water as well as exercise, and I do that but the voice in my head just keeps telling me I should be going faster.

Work is slow going and I'm worried about being forgotten. I'm getting less focused as the week goes on. Maybe because my tiredness is increasing. Maybe I'm juggling too much other stuff (e.g., looking at apts).

I can feel the anxiety in my body in the form of chemical feelings, shortness of breath, etc. Fatigue and sadness too.

All of this is hard. I just hope I'm not making it harder than it should be by being a screw up, obsessive/compulsive, emotionally stunted.

My mom frustrates me

I know my mom can't help it... she's not responsible for her dementia, but it's making me crazy. Her forgetfulness, her inability to articulate, her slow speech, her decline in memory... she can't use the TV remote anymore, forgets where she's put her stuff and gets obstinate and angry when you tell her stuff. I'm sure it's really hard for her, but she won't even admit it's happening.

I also get frustrated by her eating and cooking. She insists on using so much salt and having meat at every meal. She has to mention every time she's using tamari or arrowroot powder or "non-gluten" options for pasta or bread. It makes me feel like a freak. She buys food for me but doesn't look at the labels so half the time I can't eat it. (well, don't want to eat it.) She complains if I want to buy organic meat or produce because it's more expensive than regular. Then she cooks as if there are 8 people living here so there's always too much food. And then she hardly eats anything. She's skin and bones and veins. It's gross to look at and makes me feel like a giant pig. I hate listening to her eat and smack her food (why do old people do that?) And it drives me crazy when she talks with her mouth full (again why do old people do that?). Tonight it gave me so much angst to be in the kitchen while she was eating cheese and crackers that I had to leave. And it stressed me out so much that I started eating. Lame excuse, I know. But it's true. I could feel all the chemicals coursing through my body. It was awful. At this rate, I'm going to be a balloon by the time my birthday rolls around in two weeks. I had wanted to lose weight but now I'm gaining. Sadness.

I know I need to practice patience and compassion but I've been so on edge since I've gotten here that it's really, really hard. No matter what I write, who I call, who I text, it's just not helping me and I end up in a pile of food every night.

I'm glad my mom still loves me enough to cook for me, and I hope I can start letting go of my anxiety around her and food.

so depressed

another morning of waking feeling like I'm falling in a hole. Bad binge last night, realities hitting me like a ton of bricks, the voices in my head telling me what a loser I am. I've had a headache since Friday and its still not gone. My mind and body are angry at me. I want to go back to bed but my insane needs to weigh myself and go workout I overriding that. I hope yoga makes me feel better. I hope I can practice letting go of this negative mindset. And I hope I can conjure the will to be kinder to myself, including not eating the whole house every night. So sad that my life is like this. I should be happy that I get to work from Hawaii but since I fucked up the apartment thing, I'm not. I should be happy that I'm away from the fray at work, but it just makes me feel isolated and expendable. I should be happy I get to Han out with my parents but I don't fee as useful to them now that I'm working. I should just be happier and I'm not, as evidenced by the voices and the food issues. I am afraid to use the mood stabilizer but this sucks too. I want to be able to do this by myself. But maybe I cant. Maybe I need help. I just wish the universe would help me. I dont understand why I cant find a place to live.... Why I eat so much... Why I'm so depressed right now.

the loahting

I'm so angry at myself right now. Loathe myself. I make bad decisions, I can't stop eating, I'm a flake.

Bad decisions:
I'm super mad that because I didn't get to HNL soon enough to get the apartment I wanted in my parents' building. The guy had no applicants when I talked to him a week ago. If I'd come when I was supposed to, I would've probably gotten the place. But then there were three people wanting the apartment on Thursday when I went to go look at it. Then Friday he rented it to someone he know who that morning said he was looking for a place. ARGH. I'm so pissed at myself for not making this a priority, for taking the lazy path and not making myself come to HNL. I could've put off the stupid waterproofing contractors, put off the water heater replacement, forgone a little sleep. But no, I didn't, and now I have no place to live, nor does my sister. This place would've been perfect too: 3 BD so I could've had an office... diamond head side of the building but on the quieter corner.... parking places near my parents'... partially furnished. Now I'm back to the drawing board, looking at massively expensive unfurnished places, or creepy furnished places. And I desperately want to live in this building so it's easy to hang out with my parents' but still have my own space. I'm so lame.

Can't stop eating:
None of my clothes fit, even my former "fat clothes". Fat is hanging over my bra straps, my pants don't slide easily over my hips, and I can see the huge roll of flab on my back and stomach. I have not muscle tone. But all I do is eat, and eat, and eat. And I get angry because my parents can eat anything they want... cookies, ice cream, chips. I just want to stuff myself with food because I'm unhappy, off kilter, pissed at myself. I find myself revolting and the refrain "You're fat" goes through my head ALL.THE.TIME. I can't even bring myself to counter arguing anymore. I'm so gross and flabby.

Flake:
I keep dropping the ball at work. I'm not working as many hours as I should. I'm not doing anything cool with my time here in HNL. I'm just holing myself up in the guest bedroom. I didn't help my mom make dinner. I just suck.

Ok, off to eat a bunch of crap now. I'm so lame I don't even try to stop myself anymore. :(

I suck

That's the refrain that has been going through my head constantly, 18x7 (I'm subtracting 6 hours for sleeping). I suck at work, at eating, at training, at life. I think the voices are loudest about work:
- I'm terrible at comms
- Everyone does more than I do
- I'm not smart about the business
- I don't have the drive I need to succeed
- I'm a fraud

The refrain runs through my head over and over and over again. The overwhelming feelings of inadequacy I have about myself when it comes to my job probably keep me from focusing on actually working. I hate feeling like this about my work, and while I've always had the "I'm not good enough" thoughts about my job, it's particularly bad with this role. I think everyone thinks I suck. I think I suck.

And then there's the eating/training/body stuff. I'm feel like a loser that I can't change my eating habits. Once again last night I went from a semi decent eating day/evening to hoovering half the kitchen. I'm sure it's stress (unconscious or conscious) and feeling totally off kilter right now in life. The apartment we wanted is probably going to fall through (and I beat myself up about not getting my shit together so I could have come earlier so I could've looked at the apartment so we would've been the only applicants...), I'm feeling uncomfortable about working from my parents' condo, and my sister is constantly giving her opinions about what we should do and spinning up lots of options that always seem to go nowhere. I'm tired and when I'm tired I eat. The voices tell me to go to bed while they are also telling me to eat. And then they just tell me I suck. As usual.

I'm no longer an athlete. I'm just a doughy girl who looks like a dork when she runs, doesn't swim very fast, and has the drive to push herself but not the talent to achieve greatness. I saw a bunch of triathletes running yesterday and thought to myself "I used to look like them and now I don't, I'm sad." Sad in the loser way and sad in the emotional way.

The "I suck" voice chimes in whenever I don't fit into yet another piece of clothing that used to hang off of me. Or when I look at myself in the mirror. Before I thought I looked ok, now I can see the layer of fat just hovering over me. And then I just want to eat. It's insanity, I know.

I stopped taking the new meds and am trying to not take sleeping or anxiety meds but then the food chemicals feel like the only way to quiet my mind. I know I need to working on breathing and journaling and meditating but I kinda suck at all that. <--- See, it's just what I say about myself.

I hate the world of flux and change I'm living in. I'm trying to embrace "going with the flow" but then I seem to just make dumb decisions. Or give up when I should be pushing harder. I don't often want to crawl back into bed and sleep to shut out the world, but waking up anxious every morning is hard to deal with. A nice latte takes the edge off but then the "I suck because I'm drinking calories and caffeine voice" chimes in.

I'm trying to tell the voice to shut up, or I'll turn the voice around to a positive statement but it often feels hollow, forced. But maybe it will help in the long run. I hope so, it's hard to feel this rotten about myself during such a tumultuous time in my life.

No spring in my step

I've been dealing with morning depression big time the last week or so. I don't know if it's the new medication I've been taking, feeling overwhelmed by my life, or what. My eating has been pretty bad, but my happiness was buoyed by seeing my weight go under 125. I wish it would stay there or keep going down. But it won't if I keep binge eating whenever I get anxious. And everything makes me anxious right now: dealing with my house, being back at work, feeling dumb all the time at work, feeling helpless to help my family, and not know what the future will bring.

I'm too attached the outcome. How much I weigh, what people think of me at work, spending time my parents vs feeling like I should be at home, being there for my sister, trying to carve out a life for myself, what my boss thinks of me, how I'm perceived as "coping" or not. It's all welling up right now and I'm crying in my office. It makes me sad and  bit demoralized that I'm not stronger.

I keep eating to stuff my feelings down. I guess I just don't know how to process them. I don't know how to sit with them and not let them swallow me up.

I have this fantasy that my situation will make me a more focused worker, but I feel like I'm not smart enough to focus on the right things. I wish I could take this situation and make it a revolution for my life, but I'm guess I'm just not strong enough to do that. I feel like such a failure on so many levels right now. Fat, stupid, lazy, too dumb for this job, too selfish, too impatient. I can't even restrain myself from eating when I know it's what makes me fat which makes me unhappy which makes me crabby which makes me short tempered with my family and unable to focus at work. I just kinda hate myself right now. I feel like everything I do is wrong.

Everything is just making me sad right now and I feel defeated.

The voices

I haven't written in a while. Not that I haven't needed to, I just don't seem to have time. It's hard to find time at work, it's hard to do it when I'm at my sister's and I just do other things when I'm at home. But the voices are really loud right now: I'm fat, undisciplined, I suck at my job, a fraud, I'm not doing enough for my dad, my sister, myself, I'm a loser because I can't juggle everything and because I can't stop eating. It's frustrating, and every time I "fail" the voices just get louder.  Whenever I think, "I'm fat" I try to counter with "I'm fit" but it doesn't ring true. When I think "I hate my body" I think "I love my body for what it lets me do" but that's not entirely true. When I think "I suck" I try to replace that with "I'm doing the best I can" but that doesn't feel good enough.


Still giving myself a hard time about eating too much vs cutting down my portion sizes, eat the wrong things, and not exercising more. I'm bloated from eating too much salt and take out. I want to get back to healthier eating, I want to train harder, I want to cut myself some slack, I want to be proud of myself. But when I feel my clothes getting tighter, and my heart sinking back into my chest, I just haven't been able to be that positive.


I'll keep trying. The voices need to go away.

Frustration with Franle

Bad week of binge behaviors. Cyclical last supper eating. Having "just a little more..." Fooling myself into thinking I'm cutting back on food when I'm really not. Eating things I don't really want because I don't want them to go to waste.


I'm so frustrated with myself, that I can't stop, that I can't change. I won't even take the tiny steps I need to take to stop... doing something, anything else before I dive into the food.


I hate the way I feel in my clothes and that makes me eat. ARGH. I AM SO ILLOGICAL.


I know it's got something to do with my family, my work, my life. I'm stressed out about being here, but I don't really want to go back to HNL now either. I dread going to my job and today's first day back made me want to run away - I'm so worried the work is going to pile up and crush me. I worry about my sister, my father, my mother, my brother in law, the cat. I worry about myself.... a lot. When will this bad behavior stop? When will I be normal again?


I am pissed at myself that I can't change. I crave routine and normalcy even though I don't really like it. I want to wear my skull boots tomorrow but know I have to project a better image than that. I am dreading putting clothes on in the morning because they will squeeze me. I worry that people think I look fat. I canceled dinner with my ex's brother because I didn't want him to tell Rod I've gained weight. I hate that I feel sick after eating too much, that I roam the kitchen looking for more food to eat, that I'm never satisfied with food. I hate myself every time I say, "Not again" but do it anyway.  But I can't change the lame eating. Perhaps I really am addicted to food, or at least have to abstain from certain foods for a while. But I don't want people telling me what I can or can't do, dammit.


I pounded my body into the ground with a run at the gym tonight. It was actually slow, but I felt tired. My Achilles ached, my foot hurt. I worried I was lowering my immune system and I'd finally catch what's going around. But I kept going. It was only 30 minutes but it was indicative of my abnormal behavior. If I didn't binge, I wouldn't feel the need to exercise every day. If I didn't exercise every day, my body might have a chance to heal. If my body healed, I could train more. If I could train more, I could lose weight. Sad.


I'm also treading back into sleep deprivation already. And subverting my needs to the needs of others. And work is already making me a less nice person. I had my usual "I have to go home!" moment with my sister last night which was mostly about work (and also about wanting to get ice cream at Molly Moon's but instead I ate the ice cream I bought "because it was on sale", and ate way too much of it).


I'm sick of myself, but refuse to get more help and yet don't know what my path forward is. I don't want to end up fat. I want to be thin again. I want to be better than the average person: fitter, more attractive, more successful. But I feel like a loser right now. A big fat loser. :(

Minding my habits and mindlessness

Tonight I wasn't really stressed out (other than getting home late) and yet I grazed my way into the wee hours. I wanted a little dessert after coming home from my sister's house (she had me make her an ice cream soda...) so I had some chocolate I bought in Hawaii, with some peanut butter added. I wanted to "get rid of the remnants" of the PB in the jar, but then when it was gone but the chocolate wasn't, then I went in for the 2nd jar of peanut butter, and then the trio of coconut peanut butters. Even though there wasn't any chocolate left. And then I thought the chocolate coconut peanut butter would taste good with a sunbutter bar, which it did. I debated having some toast but decided enough was enough.


I don't know why I can't practice any of the strategies I have written down or taken note of for not mindlessly eating or grazing:  (1) go straight to bed, (2) write, (3) sit and think about what feelings I'm trying to avoid, (4) reading, (5) looking at the list of things I could do instead of eating. It's so stupid. I'm not stupid, I'm smart, so I don't know why I keep doing all this ridiculous crap. Especially when I was on a good trajectory: lost a little weight, good run today, productive on my To Do list, taking time for myself, etc.


Maybe it's the guilt (eating things I'm not supposed to like the GF cinnamon roll that still has butter and eggs in it), maybe it's feeling like I exercised a lot today so I "deserved" some extra treats, maybe it's subconscious stress about going back to work next week or returning to HNL now that I'm having second thoughts. Maybe it's just having to teach myself to really knuckle down and practice new habits. Or, horribly, maybe it's that I have to give up certain foods - abstain from them like alcohol - so that I don't hook into the addictive foods my body craves.


It's all the small deviations that add up to big misses and I need to be more mindful of when I'm fooling myself into thinking what I'm doing is ok. That eating without thinking about WHY I'm doing it is ok. Or that eating when I'm not really hungry is ok. I need to call myself on my bullshit and start practicing what I preach - I need to take little steps to make bigger progress. And some of those little steps include trying some other behaviors.


So what do I need to watch out for:


- Eating things to "get rid of them"
- Eating when I should be going to bed instead (sleeping or napping if I'm tired)
- Eating while I watch TV or sit in front of the PC at night
- Eating things I don't really want to clean out the fridge
- Eating just because other people are eating
- Eating food that I don't really enjoy - just put the fork down already!
- Eating as a reward for exercising (this is a huge one for me)
- Eating as a reward for doing something (getting up early)
- Eating things I should just throw away but can't because I feel like I'm throwing money away


What I'd like to start doing:
- More meditation
- More exploration of why I'm eating
- Using the HALT technique or something else to make me STOP the compulsive behavior
- Eat food I really enjoy
- Thinking for a few minutes before stuffing my face
- Trying some of the coping mechanisms recommended
- Going to bed! I think this would make a huge difference.


It's hard to spend so much time thinking about food, being mindful all the time of what I'm eating or should be eating or feel like I shouldn't be eating. But I need to be mindful of my current behaviors and start using my mind to change those to more appropriate ones that will support my body, mind and soul in the present and in the future.


Ok, off to bed now. I guess I won't be eating breakfast tomorrow since I'll probably still be full from all the crap I ate tonight! :p

Food is not love

I'm pissed off at myself right now.

I thought cooking a big Chinese New Year dinner would be fun. I spent a ton of time cooking and then me, my sister and her husband either sat in silence or they bickered at each other. Even though I was irritated and ate too much because their dynamic stressed me out, I was happy I cooked the food because it was tasty and made feel good about doing something I set out to do. I made soup, fried rice, and noodles. Yum.

But then the ice cream (that I shouldn't have bought but did because I've been too tempted to eat my sister's - ok, ok, I know that should've been a sign....) came out and I ate the fortune cookies (wheat, eggs) that I bought. And ate way too much/too many and went back for more after my sister and BIL went to bed. Sigh.

I can see the roll on my stomach getting ever larger. I don't know what environment will be the best for me to get over this. I'm confused about what to do next.... and food may give me the comfort I need in the short term but it also makes me feel bad about myself so it's not the solution.

My attempt to show my family love through food failed and the attempt to make myself feel better by eating ends up backfiring all the time too....

But, those cookies were tasty, and that chocolate ice cream was so rich, yummy, and awesome.

Steps?

So, today was pretty awful. My sister asked us to kill her because she was in so much pain after her surgery (and the fucking medical staff was SO UNHELPFUL it made me hate the medical establishment even more). It was so hard to watch her suffer and feel like I couldn't help. It makes me feel so bad for her that her life is so painful. I hate watching how she and her husband interact because she's tired of being in pain, and he's tired of taking care of her. It makes me so sad.

I felt guilty because I shouldn't have left her last night, I should have stayed in the hospital. Then I slept in and missed the doctor's rounds, where maybe I could've been helpful. But I'm so tired. And I think about having to watch my dad decline, be in pain, be on heavy duty meds and it makes me anxious and sad.

But if I put a positive spin on it, perhaps the last 3 months and then this journey are all preparing me for that. Being with my dad made me more compassionate (I think) and willing to help someone who's sick. Being with my sister is helping me work my way up to watching my dad die. It's all really awful and I wish I didn't have to go through any of it. But maybe it's helping me grow somehow.

I hope that I can also learn how to not use food as comfort during this time. It's so hard though....

Ok, off to bed. I read that lack of sleep lowers leptin and increases grehlin which is a super bad combo leading to weight gain. And I'm pudge-ball... Not happy about it, but not the most important issue right now... another time.

When will it stop?

Things keep going "wrong" and I'm suffering for it. Housing issues, car issues, now parking issues. I keep trying my best to help solve them, but then the blow up. The newest is the parking space for my sister's car, which none of us wanted sent over in the first place. Now that she's back in Seattle and won't be coming back in March, if at all, we need to find a place to park it. I thought we had a spot for it but the people want it back now, and so I'm having to scramble to find something.

It makes me ANGRY because I'm tired of having to deal with all these issues, all her messes, having to pay for things that are useless and a waste of money. I'm TIRED of having to deal with jerky people, haggling for shit I don't want to deal with in the first place, and causing my dad and mom strife. I'm PISSED that I can't control my emotions enough to not let this shit affect me. That's what makes me eat at night. That's what makes my life miserable.

I know this is a shitty time, but could it stop being shittier? I already have to deal with my father dying, my mother having dementia, my sister having really awful physical and mental problem, being conflicted about what to do with my life, my own ED, etc. etc. I know that it is my reaction to the shit that happens that makes me suffer, but I'm feeling so fragile right now that I can barely make it through the day sometimes without having a total meltdown. Or I keep the meltdown at bay only to binge eat at night. Classic stuff, but I can't process it other ways yet.

I know my sister is suffering right now, but I'm so irritated with her sometimes. I know it's not her fault that things happened the way they did, but I'm tired of cleaning up the messes. I know she put good effort in this week to help here, but now she's gone and I'm still mopping things up. It sucks. Big time.

I don't like to talk to my friends about this stuff because it feels like I'm just complaining but I can't deal with this on my own. And people say I should ask for help. So here it is.... universe, please help me make it through this awful time, please stop throwing these grenades at me. I'm tired and afraid and don't know what to do. Everyone says I'm so great, but it's not true, it's all a sham. I'm just a duck, looking all good on the surface and paddling furiously underneath.

I am a liar, sorta

My dad was talking to me tonight about my food and body issues, saying he thought I looked great, thought I was doing well with eating healthy, etc. Then he asked me point blank if I binge ate. And I said, "well, sometimes..." and then I brushed it off like it was an occasional thing, not something that is a common happening, something that tortures me.

It's nice to know that my dad (and the rest of my family) think I look better now that when I was super skinny, but I don't think so. At least, I would like to lose a few pounds, some body fat percentage points, etc. And I'd really like to stop with the bingeing/grazing/overeating.

I had an anxiety attack at breakfast today about what to eat, since we were at a pancake place and they didn't really have anything "safe" to eat and I also wanted the coconut pancakes. So I got them. And ate all of them. Even though my family was watching, and I know it confuses my mom.

After that, I didn't eat anything until dinner when I hoovered up beef stew (probably not safe), chicken yakitori (made with regular Soy sauce so not safe), tofu with ginger sauce (who knows) and broccoli (safe). Then I had tea and a non-safe chocolate. And then after watching TV, the madness started. I was making a smoothie to get some fruit in (and it's kind of like a shake, so dessert-y) when my sister called. It stressed me out because I could tell by her voice (loud) that she wanted to talk for a while, and I wanted to drink my smoothie and go to bed. So I drank the smoothie and then ate another candy and then started in on the choc chips and nut butters. Ugh, I feel gross now. Sad for my inability to not put the food down even though I know it's not helping me in so many ways.... But I'm going to keep trying to stop and channel myself in other directions. And when I don't.... so be it. Beating myself up isn't really helpful.

On another note, a friend posted an article today about the rise of orthorexia and I publically admitted I'd had it and was still recovering. It was weird to post that but I did.... and it felt sorta good but sorta like I need to start telling the larger truths to more people. Be honest, be authentic, etc.

Ok, gotta go to bed. Super tired. And tomorrow is Monday Runday. And I already want to eat again... sigh.

I want to eat right now

Why? Because I'm tired, so I should go lie down, but I have things to do. But maybe I'll practice some true self care and listen to my body for once?

What I ate and why (and other random stuff)

My sister is smart. She said instead of flagellating myself when I graze or binge eat that I should write what I liked about the food I ate (or didn't). So here goes for today:

Taro chips: Salty, bready, toothy fat. Yum.

Pan de Crème: a sweetbread bun with ice cream and nutella. All sorts of forbidden foods, but so good. Hot bun, cold sweet ice cream, and chocolately good nutella.

Nutella ice cream: ehn, not really worth it.

See's candy: 2 pieces full of milk and corn syrup but still chocolately and tasty, and a family tradition. My dad loves them and it makes me happy to see him eat them.

Butter flake roll and butter: I bought this for my sister but she hasn't eaten it yet. So I want a piece to sample it. WAY buttery and not so flakey because it's a day old. But the real butter was really good. I like fat. It's soothing to me.

Chocolate chips and pecans:  I love the combination of nutty goodness and chocolate. Pecans are slightly sweet, and dark chocolate chips are just a little not sweet. Very yummy together. I like eating them by the fingerfuls. I find the repetitiveness comforting (not sure why, I should probe that). I like feeling full and satisfied.

My sister says I need to figure out why I eat:
- am I upset about my dad?
- do I feel like I have no control?
- do I feel like I have too much responsibility here?
- do I want to go home?
- do I not ever want to go home?

I know I eat when I'M:
- tired
- frustrated
- unhappy
- pissed about my food

She says I need new hobbies that aren't competitive, suggests doing something new once a month, do things that give to other people.

I want to figure out how to feel my feelings and how identify what's really going on. I want to figure out when to feel my feelings vs. when to move on. I want to start being ok with the way I eat, the way I look and what I'm doing with my life.

Bad food night

Got mad at my mom for eating part of my dessert. She said she didn't want anything and then when my dad and I ordered lilikoi pie (which is me cheating...) and the waitress split it into fours, I kinda lost it. It was mine to eat, and I ended up grabbing her plate when she had about half left. Not cool. I hate that food makes me act like that.

Tonight I'm stressed out about whether or not to leave so I grazed on See's chocolates (cheating again), ice cream and leftover latte, and then the really bad thing was eating nut butter and chocolate chips. Ugh. Now my tummy hurts, my mouth is tingly, my head is itchy, and I feel bad about myself.

I need to stop buying graze-inducing foods, but then I still graze anyway because I'm not satisfied. :(

I want to be thin like Sienna Miller was in American Sniper. I want to be fit like the lady I saw coming out of a gym in Kailua. I want my old body back, the one that had no fat, people envied, and made me feel good about myself. Sadly, eating is more pleasing to me in the moment than the promise of being thin in the future.

Too tired

It's 1:46 a.m. and I just got vented at again by my sister. Her negativity, anger, and bitterness hit my body like a huge wave; I can feel the energy of her emotions washing over me. It's exhausting to listen, but I don't know how to disengage without seeming uncaring. I can't solve the problems, so I'm not helpful to her and that makes me feel bad. "We are all doing the best we can" is the mantra everyone says, but it often doesn't feel anywhere near good.

I was going to come home but now that's in flux... my boss said that I should devote time here until things get sorted (because he doesn't want a half-engaged employee coming back and being distracted at work) and while that's actually what I want, it feels like it's not the "right" thing to do, or that I am doing it for selfish reasons (wanting to spend time not working, hanging out with my parents). But it's probably what I would counsel others to do. Plus, with my sister deciding that she needs to go home, I don't want to leave them without help until my dad finally gets into hospice. I worry that I won't be very good with his continuing decline, especially if he starts getting physically sick - I'm so bad with bodily fluids. :p

I'm a little freaked out that I haven't been home in over 2 months, and I'd like to go back for a bit of a de-stress period, just to check in with my house, my friends, my doctors, and my therapist. Honestly though, I don't really miss Seattle much. I like the sun too much, I like the bright colors and the less intense vibe here. I think about moving, although I'm sure it would be different if I had to work. I worry about my mom being alone here after my dad dies but that may not be the best reason to move. And it's a big commitment to come to "the rock" as some of the locals call it; I hear them talking about needing to get off of it. I like the smallness of my world right now but I might not for a longer term period. I don't know...

What I do know is that I need more sleep, I need less food and I need to continue practicing coping skills. It's going to get worse before it gets better. Dealing with my dad's cancer, my mom's dementia, my sister's chronic illness and related anger, and my own ED issues is overwhelming at times. Having to process my father's death, get the condo sold/my mom moved, deal with my sister's emotional state at that time feels undoable right now. I know I have to do it one step at a time, but it scares the crap out of me just thinking about it.

2:00 a.m. now, and I will likely be getting another 4.5 hrs of sleep before I wake up to watch the sunrise, work out, get coffee, and get ready to show the GD apartment to some flaky person who will end up just irritating me because she can't make offloading the unit easy. Nothing has been easy for the last month, and I hope that all this stress is helping me learn something, be better prepared for something.

Until the next time....

Depressed

Super fat (127.8 lbs!!!), stressed about the apartment (not renting it, renting it, having to clean it up, having to move stuff back to my parents) and going home. I want to cry, I want to go back to bed. But I won't. I'm going to go out. I don't know where yet. Maybe the gym, maybe the beach. Maybe the bakery with the purple malasadas I want to eat. I suck at not eating when I'm stressed out. I suck at moderating my intake of "allergy foods" (ate WAY too much plate lunch yesterday). I suck at being ok with leaving food on my plate, in the fridge, in the pantry. l feel bad I bought more food at Whole Foods last week, and now I feel like I have to eat it or take it home. Why don't I feel ok just leaving it? I don't know....

Ok, off to see the sunshine. I hope it makes me feel better about myself and my life.

Mornings suck

hard to get out of bed these days, very depressed when I get up. don't want to do anything.

Now it's late and I feel like I don't have time to work out or go do anything before I'm supposed be in service to my parents.

I'd rather just go lay in the sun today but I have so much to do before I leave on Saturday. and I don't want to leave.

I'd hoped to be the same weight going as I was coming but that's not happening. And it's sad that that's what I care about when what I should care about is my dad dying, my mom having dementia and my sister being sick and depressed. I feel like I'm the only normal one until I remember I have raging ED issues.

Oh well, it's another day and I have to get going.

At least the sky is blue, the ocean is turquoise and there is sunshine.

the hole has opened

my dad is looking worse and feeling worse. Donny is leaving. My sister isn't handling things well and doesn't know if she can stay. I cant find anyone to take the apartment. I weight the most today since I've been here. I look terrible. I don't want to go back to work. I don't want to go back to Seattle. I am stressed because I cant accept the reality that has been put in front of me. The hole has opened in front of me....i dont want to fall in but I feel myself.slipping.....

Angst = eating

I had a bad day today. I felt like all the decisions I made were wrong and led to a dissatisfying end to Donny's visit. I didn't really get to hang out with him much, I feel like I gypped my parents out of time with him, and I'm not sure he got to do what he wanted to do.

After a few days of overeating that led to my highest weight since I've been here. I didn't overeat today but then after all the frustrations and irritations, I way hoovered the pupus we had before he left. So many potato chips, cheese, salami and two cokes. Then after taking him to the airport, ice cream soda, a cookie (a really crappy full of gluten and shit one), and then when I got upstairs (a HUGE source of frustration for me - can't find someone to rent it, Sis won't stay here, it's causing my dad irritation and wasting his money) I ate two peanut butter cups and WAAAAAAAY too much cereal. When will it stop?

My sister is wise and says I should stop beating myself up. But I can't when I see what it's doing to my body, my spirit and my health. And yet I still have a list of things as long as my arm that I want to eat before I go - many of them "allergy" foods. Why am I so obsessed?

I want to be thin again, to have a body I can be proud of, skills to channel my angst and sadness into other things besides food... I know I can't stop angst, but I need to stop eating because I feel it.

Super Frustrated

I hate having to show the apartment. I hate being in limbo. I hate that I have to go home next week. I don't want to work. I don't want to be in the winter weather. I don't want to have to put pants on. I'm afraid of the number on my home scale. What will it be? I'm afraid my dad will die while I'm in Seattle. He might come to WA to get death drugs from Seattle Cancer Care Alliance and I'm afraid to have him stay with me. I'm overeating a bit, and eating "ALLERGY" foods, and I can tell it's affecting my body but I kind of don't care. Maybe being pudgy is better than being angry about food right now. Maybe I'll learn to cope in my own, slow way. I was happy I didn't binge last night, but I was very depressed this morning. I hope that trend (the depression) doesn't continue. Ok, off to do something with my mom, take my dad to the doctor, and try to get my sister out of bed....

doing it wrong again

people keep asking me if I've moved to Hawaii... Am I working remotely... And now I feel.like that's what I should have done. Or should do. Stop being a slacker, go back to work, spend time with my parents AND be a productive member of society.


but u know what? I didn't want to. And I'm stressed out about going back to work, pretending like I care, getting too absorbed again, forgetting my dad is going to DIE while I spend time writing emails and motivational speeches for my boss, well, really just organizing them for him. Maybe if I actually wrote them I'd feel more of a purpose. But I don't.


I wonder if I'll get massive fat back in Seattle , succumbing to the depression that's loominout there but kept at bay because of.my parents, the sun and the warmth. I think I'll do a program at the gym (the only reason I'm glad to be going back) so that doesn't happen
ill try to engage with my friends. But secretly ill wish i could be in Hawaii or another sunny locale. But mostly Hawaii because I want to be with my dad. Maybe I will do what my sister suggested and tell work I want to work part.time, in a different job, from Hawaii. She said I need to tell.people.what I want. And she's right. I don't want to feel like I'm doing it wrong anymore and part.of that is saying what I want and why I want it. And then being good with that. So there.

Feeling like a failure

I feel like I've done "everything" wrong since I've been here. Haven't had the deep and meaningful conversations I'm supposed to with my dad. Haven't gotten all the business done (seeing where my mom will live, getting papers signed, getting my dad into hospice). Haven't figured out how to account for time away from work this month and haven't filed any paperwork for FMLA, even though I have all the papers signed. Didn't start working out with my personal trainer in Nov/Dec so I could jettison my gym membership at 24 hr Fitness at the end of the year, and now I'm trying to cram in 5 sessions before the end of the month so I can cancel. Didn't start going to OA meetings early enough. Didn't realize Ai Pono was across the street so I could get help for my CE/BE issues. Haven't done anything to document my time here like put together a photo album for my dad, write a blog, etc.

My friend with ED thinks I need to go back into treatment and that makes me feel like a huge failure. I was supposed to be her inspiration (as the strong, older, successful woman) and now she's telling me my problems are so severe that I need more help. And maybe I do. But I don't want to take time away from my parents. I don't want to have to leave work again. I want to solve this on my own, dammit.

I'm also feeling like a failure around the whole apartment thing. I'm scared to email the landlord, and I'm scared to talk to my sister about it. I don't want to engage my father on the topic because he doesn't need the stress. But from beginning until now, I feel like I made a bunch of missteps that have landed us in this situation. Part of me wants to tell my sister she has to deal with it, much like she makes us deal with stuff. But since I'm on the lease, I don't think that will fly. But, really, if she's so gung ho, she should be on point. I just think she'd screw things up more because she's so aggressive.

I know I'm not really a failure, that "everything" isn't wrong, but I do have this nagging feeling that I'm not doing things right, that I should be doing things better. And it makes me sad, angry, frustrated...

Processing anger

I'm writing this morning to help process my anger instead of letting it rumble through my head while I work out. I want to send an intention to start the day positively and be a positive force for my family and myself.

My sister has decided to not come today (she was supposed to come Tuesday, yesterday, and now today). She might come Friday, she might come Monday. She might even come the last week of January. Or I suspect she may not come at all.

Here are my feelings about this that make me angry:

• If she hadn't intended to come this month, we wouldn't have rented this apartment which has now turned into a huge headache for us.
• She shipped her car over which now we have to deal with - pick it up, find a place to park it, etc.
• She doesn't realize how her whims affect the emotions of others. Being in a state of limbo is hard.
• I feel like she is disrespecting my father by not coming and helping, and disrespecting my desire to have family time.
• I feel like I am going to have to stay even longer to ensure he is taken care of, and I'm not doing the things I need to because I'm in a state of limbo.
• She has placed all the burden of dealing with the apartment on me. Personally, at this point, I am torn between asking to get out of the lease and just keeping it. At least I wouldn't have to endure lots of nasty emails (projection, I know, but that's what I assume) with the landlord, and I wouldn't have to spend my precious time packing up and cleaning up the apartment.
• She says she's so thoughtful and I'm selfish, but really it seems to be the other way around, but I don't get any credit for it.

I understand she is sick, and she does think about the dynamic of the two us being here together, which is sometimes fraught with challenges. I believe we are all doing the best we can. But it still frustrates me to have this little thorn in my side poking at me.

I wake up most days with a sense of dread, unhappiness, unease and being sad about this situation. I know that wouldn't change if she were here, but perhaps the other situations would be easier if she had just said she didn't want to come or couldn't come. I wish she would see how her actions and behaviors affect us. And affect me. I don't feel like I can be honest with her about my feelings in this area, so I am writing instead. I hope it lets me get out of my head and into my day in a more positive way.

One interesting note... these feelings don't make me want to stuff a bunch of junk in my face right now. Maybe that's because I ended up eating at 1:00 last night because I couldn't sleep (and it did help me fall asleep) or because it's getting stored up for later today. I don't know, but it is interesting to me that my resolve to not binge is stronger in the morning. Or that it doesn't even really cross my mind. I just want to get to the gym and get going on my day.

Over and out for now...time to sweat it out.

Discontent

I feel off balance right now. So many things up in the air, so many things to deal with. I am feeling pressure spend my last weeks here in a productive way, a meaningful way, a restful way - all of which are at odds with one another. I can't decide which should take precedence. Actually that's not entirely true. I should focus on the meaningful, but I'm bad at it. I'm trying to practice but it's taking time.

I should also be practicing alternatives to eating to soothe my stress, but I'm doing really badly at that. I just want to eat. But I hate being fat. So I need to reconcile my feelings and decide what's more important. I think learning to self-soothe in another way will be more productive long term but right now I'm having doubts that I can do it.

So why keep eating? What's in it for me?
- releases chemicals in the brain
-I like how food tastes
-it's easy and convenient
-it keeps my hands occupied
-food is love in my family so eating makes me feel loved, in the moment
- It gives me something to do
-It gives me something to look forward to
- It gives me something to share with my family and friends

Why should I stop eating?
- I'm uncomfortable in my clothes
-I don't like how my body looks
-I don't like how my body feels
-Extra weight makes it harder for me to run
-Extra weight makes me unhappy
- I miss looking and feeling like an athlete
-I'm ashamed of my secret eating
-It's making me unhealthy
-It makes me feel bad about myself

I'm struggling so much with my feelings about this right now. I cried on the couch, I felt unbalanced. I'm worried about going upstairs... will I binge again? Or will I have the strength to pass by the food and just go to bed? I wish the higher power that all the OA people say guides them would help me get beyond this. I wish I could act on this want, or am I just living a fantasy?

If you find yourself wanting something month after month, year after year, yet nothing happens and you never come any closer to it, then maybe what you actually want is a fantasy, an idealization, an image and a false promise.

This is the winter of my discontent. And I hope I can shake it.

Bubble burst

The scale this morning was a horror story... 2 lbs gained since my last weigh in. I guess my late night nut butter binges finally caught up to me. I feel fat, bloated and sad. I'm supposed to go to lunch with my yoga teacher and I don't want to go because she's thin and in control of her eating, no doubt. I'm tired and want to just go back to bed and sleep away all my problems. I want to eat more and get even fatter so I can really be disgusted with myself. I'm feeling helpless in my life, with my disease, with my dad, etc...

I hate my lack of will power right now - I guess I just want soothe myself more than I want to be thin. But I hate being fat and I hate feeling like I have no good self care routines so I need work on this. Practice, like everything else I do...

Sigh.

I love when this happens

I've been eating like crazy and when I stepped on the scale, I weighed less today than yesterday. I know it's all based on water weight, salt intake, blah blah blah but it still makes me happy. Which I know is all disordered and crap but I don't care.

I do care that I'm trying to maintain sanity around food, but it's hard. I've dialed back on my exercise a bit so that I don't spend countless hours at the gym. I've stopped buying binge foods (mostly) and I'm trying to not do weird obsessive things around food. But I still eat too much, and I still comfort myself at night with food.

I wonder if I moved back in with my parents if I would stop that last one. Maybe not stop but it might reduce. But I'm too tired to move my stuff back down here, especially when I'd just have to move it back upstairs. (My dad is trying so hard to fix the smell problem and I'm wondering why he wants to hold onto an apartment that causes me so much grief. I guess I should ask.)

I don't know what the scale will hold tomorrow, but I'm getting a massage which I hope doesn't provoke any body issues for me. I miss being skinny, having strangers comment on my toned body. But I will try to embrace this as an opportunity to love my body no matter what size it is. Wish me luck.

I'm not even trying

I pretty much have just given in to my desires to overeat the last few nights. It's a fait accompli. Like tonight. Out of sync with my parents, stressed about the apt and spending too much time worrying about the apartment, not spending enough time with my mom and dad, not asking my dad the questions I should be asking him, or telling him the things I should be telling him, worrying about my sister flying off the handle and doing something rash.... I was destined to eat too much when I came back up to the apartment (which still smells so perfumey!!!)

Fruit smoothie, chocolate bars, rice cake and mactella. I'm embarrassed that I've already eaten the jar of mactella that "Santa" gave me. No one know about the chocolate bars, but I do.

I'd wanted to take that chocolate and mactella home, now I'm telling myself I'm not allowed to bring anything home. Much like I'm trying to not to buy binge-territory foods at the grocery store anymore. I managed to not buy ice cream at the grocery store tonight. That was a win.

I want something sweet and fat and toothsome for dessert every night, but I can't control myself. I want to eat, I want to feel too full. I just don't want to gain weight, and I am. So I have to stop. I have to figure out how to conquer this ED/OA/food addiction.

Evil Cheater

I get frustrated when free food is offered and there's nothing for me. Especially when it's yummy looking and I'm hungry. So fuck it, I ate it. An Oreo cheesecake wedge and a toffee chocolate chip cookie. The fact that it's "off limits" makes me eat too much, too fast, and with guilt. Now my dad is confused about why I make such a stink about what my mom feeds me when I just stuffed a pile of gluten, dairy, eggs and cornstarch down my pie hole. Oh well, they were tasty.

The weird thing is that sometimes doing this makes me want to binge more, because I'm angry at myself for not having more "self control" and for not having the discipline to say no. But always denying myself these types of treats makes me angry too. It's a real lose/lose situation.

I'm already planning a cheat day for when a friend and I go on a hike because she wants to take me to a popular brunch place in Kailua where the specialties are guava chiffon pancakes, Portuguese sweet bread French toast and mac nut cinnamon rolls. Yes please, all of the above. With a side of Portuguese sausage or bacon.

So between now and then (the 19th) I should be "good" and go easy on the allergy foods. But with my departure back to the mainland coming soonish, there are still some things I want to eat here: L&L chicken katsu and mac salad, an onopop, shave ice, and maybe some more malasadas or snow puffies.

I wish I could heal my gut so I could eat what I want. It would be one way to have a more normal, less tortured relationship with food. But, I don't see that in my future so I need to "Have the courage to accept the things I can't change" and decide when I want to dabble in allergy foods and then NOT feel bad about it.

Trying to let it go

The last week has been a bit tumultuous for me emotionally. I've been trying to let it go, see the positive side of things, and not take things so personally. But I've been pretty depressed in the mornings, feeling anxiety during the day/evening and having weird body issues.

Here's a list of what I'm stressed about but trying to let slide:

- Apartment: spent too much time dealing with it, would rather be staying with my parents, not sure what next steps are, all the work I've done on it now makes it sort of livable so I'm not sure I can get out of the lease if that's what we want to do
- The drama has been high with my sister - she has announced she's not coming back to Hawaii which means having the apartment is just a huge waste of money, she tells me how I should be dealing with it, and when I try to offer up solutions, she tells me all the reasons why they won't work
- My dad hasn't been feeling well this week despite getting the stents in; he has a bladder infection and has been sleeping so much it's been hard to interact with him much
- I'm still not very nice to my mom sometimes which makes me sad
- I feel bad about not being at work: unimportant, not needed and worried when I go back that I won't want to be there
- And of course.... my ED and my body. I hate being pudgy, my clothes make me uncomfortable, and I wish I could stop stress eating. But it makes me happy in the moment. I wonder if I need to start taking antidepressants to get some of the chemicals I think the food is providing me. I know I'm stuffing myself to feel full emotionally because I'm so unsatisfied with what I can eat and what's going on right now. I'm horrible at self care (although trying)... I wish I could diet. I wish I could be skinny again. I feel like I'm plagued with seeing skinny people everywhere here (toned college students, tiny Asians) and I keep remembering how I used to be fit and thin and it makes me sad.

I guess I should talk more about my feelings with people - I do with a few good friends who know what's going on with me either from an ED perspective or a dad perspective. But it's hard to lay it all out there. I don't want people to get tired of hearing about my shit, and I am embarrassed to admit to people the extent of my issues. Most people don't understand the ED bit...

I don't know when  to feel the feelings and when to "shut up and move on". It's confusing. I don't want to be angry all the time and so I try to let things go. I try to feel compassion for myself and others, I try to assume best intentions. I want be a positive person for my parents, my friends, my self. But then I wonder if it's just masking.

Sad to say that while I was writing this that I started grazing. I love the taste of food, the process of eating it, feeling full afterwards. I'm going to try to stop now and go to bed. I hope tomorrow is a more positive, less confusing day for me.

morning blues

I used to enjoy the mornings, watching the sun rise. It was beautiful and kept my mind off of things for a few.minutes. Now I have a sense of dread when i wake up. In the smelly apartment, by myself, sometimes having had disturbing dreams. I just want to stay in bed but i have to soldier on. Or I will succumb and not be helpful to anyone.

Indecision and Irritation

I decided to take another month off work, going onto unpaid leave, and as soon as I emailed everyone to tell them, I'm second guessing my decision. Why am I here? What value is it? To me? To my dad? I've been so cross lately - angry when my mom bosses me around, annoyed with my dad's condition, frustrated with myself and my lack of coping skills, and irritated with so many things going on.

Part of me want to just leave and go home and immerse myself back in other things. But I'm sure work would annoy me right now. And the dreary weather. But then again, I don't really do anything outside other than the occasion swim or run, so what's the point of being here? Oh yeah, spending quality time with my dad.

Only there's not much quality. He's kind of too tired to have meaningful conversations, or I feel like I should wait until my sister gets here to have them.

I'm still dealing with the apartment too, and that's frustrating to me. The carpets and upholstery are getting cleaned (I had to move all the furniture, I have to move it all back, and I have to pay and get reimbursed for the cleaning, which I'm dubious the landlord will do) and then after all that who knows if it will smell any better? And even if it does, I feel like there's negative energy in there now and I don't want to deal with it. I wish we'd never rented the apartment and I'm mad about it now. I would rather be staying with my parents, it's a waste of money, sis won't be able to stay there, etc. I'm going to look at another apartment tomorrow, in case we need to move, but I'm thinking that's just going to cause more turmoil and stress. I'm tired of stress and just tired. It seems unfair that I have to deal with this while everything else is going on. But I do and I need to learn from it.

I have more I want to write, but my mom is bugging me to go to Costco.

Serenity now....

losing perspective , gaining weight

bad week this week stress wise, food wise. Lots of overeating and mild bingeing. I went to an OA meeting today. Nice people and good to be around people with the same issues but didn't help one iota in terms of making me want to.practice other coping mechanisms or stop.eating. In fact, i am planning to eat a lot.tonigt and maybe stuff myself silly later. Why? I am angry that I'm in this situation. I'm pissed that i have to deal with my dads illness and his feeling horrible this week. My mom is driving me crazy. I hate them both for being skinny and for not wanting to eat all the time. I'm pissed i was never taught good stress relief and coping skills. I'm tired of being fat and i want to be skinny, thin, fit and envied by others again. I hate being lumpy and frumpy. And having to feel.constrained in My clothes. Clothes that used to hang off me. I'm angry at my sister for.leaving . If she hadn't or had just said she was going home we would have rented that dumb apartment that now i have to deal.with, live in and fight with the landlord about. Fuck her, she can deal with it when she gets back. I'll just do a her and leave. I don't want to go bad to.work though, i can't stand the thought of going back to that dumb job and the asshole people who run the company. What is the point? They aren't making My life better or easier or saving the oceans or my dad. They' re just trying to sell more phones and tablets and half baked tech that doesn't work and embarrasssess me in front of my family and friends. (like the lame typos in this post!!) I'm tired of being a fat loser who cant sto.eating even though i know its whats making me fat. So there it is. I'm unraveling....but I can't admit that to my parents or.friends. I'm supposed.to.be the strong one, the good one. What a load.of bullshit. This is all bullshit. I hate who I am right now.

Life Sucks and Then You Learn

This is a new motto I have in my head. Whenever life is sucking big time (like it is now), I think, "what am I learning from this?". Sometimes it's hard to see but if I can think about bad stuff in positive ways, I think it will help me in the long run.

So what am I learning from my conflict about the apartment:
- read the state laws whenever entering a transaction in a new state (or even WA!!)
- I need to stand up for myself, ask for what I want
- people aren't necessarily bad (although this landlord might be), they just have different sides of the story
- don't let myself get bullied
- TRUST MY INSTINCTS