Processing anger

I'm writing this morning to help process my anger instead of letting it rumble through my head while I work out. I want to send an intention to start the day positively and be a positive force for my family and myself.

My sister has decided to not come today (she was supposed to come Tuesday, yesterday, and now today). She might come Friday, she might come Monday. She might even come the last week of January. Or I suspect she may not come at all.

Here are my feelings about this that make me angry:

• If she hadn't intended to come this month, we wouldn't have rented this apartment which has now turned into a huge headache for us.
• She shipped her car over which now we have to deal with - pick it up, find a place to park it, etc.
• She doesn't realize how her whims affect the emotions of others. Being in a state of limbo is hard.
• I feel like she is disrespecting my father by not coming and helping, and disrespecting my desire to have family time.
• I feel like I am going to have to stay even longer to ensure he is taken care of, and I'm not doing the things I need to because I'm in a state of limbo.
• She has placed all the burden of dealing with the apartment on me. Personally, at this point, I am torn between asking to get out of the lease and just keeping it. At least I wouldn't have to endure lots of nasty emails (projection, I know, but that's what I assume) with the landlord, and I wouldn't have to spend my precious time packing up and cleaning up the apartment.
• She says she's so thoughtful and I'm selfish, but really it seems to be the other way around, but I don't get any credit for it.

I understand she is sick, and she does think about the dynamic of the two us being here together, which is sometimes fraught with challenges. I believe we are all doing the best we can. But it still frustrates me to have this little thorn in my side poking at me.

I wake up most days with a sense of dread, unhappiness, unease and being sad about this situation. I know that wouldn't change if she were here, but perhaps the other situations would be easier if she had just said she didn't want to come or couldn't come. I wish she would see how her actions and behaviors affect us. And affect me. I don't feel like I can be honest with her about my feelings in this area, so I am writing instead. I hope it lets me get out of my head and into my day in a more positive way.

One interesting note... these feelings don't make me want to stuff a bunch of junk in my face right now. Maybe that's because I ended up eating at 1:00 last night because I couldn't sleep (and it did help me fall asleep) or because it's getting stored up for later today. I don't know, but it is interesting to me that my resolve to not binge is stronger in the morning. Or that it doesn't even really cross my mind. I just want to get to the gym and get going on my day.

Over and out for now...time to sweat it out.