I'm not ready

My dad's health seems to be taking another downward turn. More pain, more sleeping, and most worrying, a sudden onset of confusion and inability to process logically. He can't figure out his medication box anymore, which is really worrying since last week he was able to.

I'm totally freaked out right now (2:23 a.m.) because an hour ago he tried to get into bed with me and when I told him he was in the wrong place, he insisted he was in the right place. When I led him into his bedroom, it was almost like he was in a trance. He complained of pain but couldn't tell me where it hurt.

I called the hospice people and the on call nurse said this is a sign of the last stages of life but that you don't know how long this stage will last.

I'm not ready to lose him but I don't know if I'm capable of taking care of him like this. I'm so bad with illness, bodily fluids, etc. I don't want to change diapers, I don't want to deal with bedpans. I thought that's what hospice did, but apparently not. I don't want to remember my dad this way.

I wish we had planned better. I thought we had but now I'm in a panic. I need help and I don't know what to do. I'm afraid of what's coming next. I don't know if I'll be able to get through this.