My dad was talking to me tonight about my food and body issues, saying he thought I looked great, thought I was doing well with eating healthy, etc. Then he asked me point blank if I binge ate. And I said, "well, sometimes..." and then I brushed it off like it was an occasional thing, not something that is a common happening, something that tortures me.
It's nice to know that my dad (and the rest of my family) think I look better now that when I was super skinny, but I don't think so. At least, I would like to lose a few pounds, some body fat percentage points, etc. And I'd really like to stop with the bingeing/grazing/overeating.
I had an anxiety attack at breakfast today about what to eat, since we were at a pancake place and they didn't really have anything "safe" to eat and I also wanted the coconut pancakes. So I got them. And ate all of them. Even though my family was watching, and I know it confuses my mom.
After that, I didn't eat anything until dinner when I hoovered up beef stew (probably not safe), chicken yakitori (made with regular Soy sauce so not safe), tofu with ginger sauce (who knows) and broccoli (safe). Then I had tea and a non-safe chocolate. And then after watching TV, the madness started. I was making a smoothie to get some fruit in (and it's kind of like a shake, so dessert-y) when my sister called. It stressed me out because I could tell by her voice (loud) that she wanted to talk for a while, and I wanted to drink my smoothie and go to bed. So I drank the smoothie and then ate another candy and then started in on the choc chips and nut butters. Ugh, I feel gross now. Sad for my inability to not put the food down even though I know it's not helping me in so many ways.... But I'm going to keep trying to stop and channel myself in other directions. And when I don't.... so be it. Beating myself up isn't really helpful.
On another note, a friend posted an article today about the rise of orthorexia and I publically admitted I'd had it and was still recovering. It was weird to post that but I did.... and it felt sorta good but sorta like I need to start telling the larger truths to more people. Be honest, be authentic, etc.
Ok, gotta go to bed. Super tired. And tomorrow is Monday Runday. And I already want to eat again... sigh.
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