My dad is succumbing to his cancer. He's in a hospice house right now because he got confused, agitated and unable to walk without assistance. He wants to come die at home, but I'm scared to have him here. I want to honor his wishes but I'm afraid I won't be able to do the things he needs done, even with a full-time CNA here. I don't want to watch the gross stuff that will happen, and I know I am not graceful or compassionate in the face of those things. I don't know what to do.
I know my stupid ED doesn't matter right now, nor should my weight but of course it's rearing its ugliness. Vacillating between not being able to eat and eating way too much. It's terrible. I know it's not good for my body which needs all the help it can get right now because I'm stressed out, sleep deprived and fighting a lingering cold.
I cry all the time, and wonder how my mom, sister and I are going to get through this. The little voice inside is me is yelling for help. I feel like I'm drowning in quicksand. I'm sad and angry, defeated and anxious. I feel like a terrible daughter to my father right now. This is exactly what he didn't want and I can't make it go away.
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