I had a bad day today. I felt like all the decisions I made were wrong and led to a dissatisfying end to Donny's visit. I didn't really get to hang out with him much, I feel like I gypped my parents out of time with him, and I'm not sure he got to do what he wanted to do.
After a few days of overeating that led to my highest weight since I've been here. I didn't overeat today but then after all the frustrations and irritations, I way hoovered the pupus we had before he left. So many potato chips, cheese, salami and two cokes. Then after taking him to the airport, ice cream soda, a cookie (a really crappy full of gluten and shit one), and then when I got upstairs (a HUGE source of frustration for me - can't find someone to rent it, Sis won't stay here, it's causing my dad irritation and wasting his money) I ate two peanut butter cups and WAAAAAAAY too much cereal. When will it stop?
My sister is wise and says I should stop beating myself up. But I can't when I see what it's doing to my body, my spirit and my health. And yet I still have a list of things as long as my arm that I want to eat before I go - many of them "allergy" foods. Why am I so obsessed?
I want to be thin again, to have a body I can be proud of, skills to channel my angst and sadness into other things besides food... I know I can't stop angst, but I need to stop eating because I feel it.
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