No spring in my step

I've been dealing with morning depression big time the last week or so. I don't know if it's the new medication I've been taking, feeling overwhelmed by my life, or what. My eating has been pretty bad, but my happiness was buoyed by seeing my weight go under 125. I wish it would stay there or keep going down. But it won't if I keep binge eating whenever I get anxious. And everything makes me anxious right now: dealing with my house, being back at work, feeling dumb all the time at work, feeling helpless to help my family, and not know what the future will bring.

I'm too attached the outcome. How much I weigh, what people think of me at work, spending time my parents vs feeling like I should be at home, being there for my sister, trying to carve out a life for myself, what my boss thinks of me, how I'm perceived as "coping" or not. It's all welling up right now and I'm crying in my office. It makes me sad and  bit demoralized that I'm not stronger.

I keep eating to stuff my feelings down. I guess I just don't know how to process them. I don't know how to sit with them and not let them swallow me up.

I have this fantasy that my situation will make me a more focused worker, but I feel like I'm not smart enough to focus on the right things. I wish I could take this situation and make it a revolution for my life, but I'm guess I'm just not strong enough to do that. I feel like such a failure on so many levels right now. Fat, stupid, lazy, too dumb for this job, too selfish, too impatient. I can't even restrain myself from eating when I know it's what makes me fat which makes me unhappy which makes me crabby which makes me short tempered with my family and unable to focus at work. I just kinda hate myself right now. I feel like everything I do is wrong.

Everything is just making me sad right now and I feel defeated.