Tonight I wasn't really stressed out (other than getting home late) and yet I grazed my way into the wee hours. I wanted a little dessert after coming home from my sister's house (she had me make her an ice cream soda...) so I had some chocolate I bought in Hawaii, with some peanut butter added. I wanted to "get rid of the remnants" of the PB in the jar, but then when it was gone but the chocolate wasn't, then I went in for the 2nd jar of peanut butter, and then the trio of coconut peanut butters. Even though there wasn't any chocolate left. And then I thought the chocolate coconut peanut butter would taste good with a sunbutter bar, which it did. I debated having some toast but decided enough was enough.
I don't know why I can't practice any of the strategies I have written down or taken note of for not mindlessly eating or grazing: (1) go straight to bed, (2) write, (3) sit and think about what feelings I'm trying to avoid, (4) reading, (5) looking at the list of things I could do instead of eating. It's so stupid. I'm not stupid, I'm smart, so I don't know why I keep doing all this ridiculous crap. Especially when I was on a good trajectory: lost a little weight, good run today, productive on my To Do list, taking time for myself, etc.
Maybe it's the guilt (eating things I'm not supposed to like the GF cinnamon roll that still has butter and eggs in it), maybe it's feeling like I exercised a lot today so I "deserved" some extra treats, maybe it's subconscious stress about going back to work next week or returning to HNL now that I'm having second thoughts. Maybe it's just having to teach myself to really knuckle down and practice new habits. Or, horribly, maybe it's that I have to give up certain foods - abstain from them like alcohol - so that I don't hook into the addictive foods my body craves.
It's all the small deviations that add up to big misses and I need to be more mindful of when I'm fooling myself into thinking what I'm doing is ok. That eating without thinking about WHY I'm doing it is ok. Or that eating when I'm not really hungry is ok. I need to call myself on my bullshit and start practicing what I preach - I need to take little steps to make bigger progress. And some of those little steps include trying some other behaviors.
So what do I need to watch out for:
- Eating things to "get rid of them"
- Eating when I should be going to bed instead (sleeping or napping if I'm tired)
- Eating while I watch TV or sit in front of the PC at night
- Eating things I don't really want to clean out the fridge
- Eating just because other people are eating
- Eating food that I don't really enjoy - just put the fork down already!
- Eating as a reward for exercising (this is a huge one for me)
- Eating as a reward for doing something (getting up early)
- Eating things I should just throw away but can't because I feel like I'm throwing money away
What I'd like to start doing:
- More meditation
- More exploration of why I'm eating
- Using the HALT technique or something else to make me STOP the compulsive behavior
- Eat food I really enjoy
- Thinking for a few minutes before stuffing my face
- Trying some of the coping mechanisms recommended
- Going to bed! I think this would make a huge difference.
It's hard to spend so much time thinking about food, being mindful all the time of what I'm eating or should be eating or feel like I shouldn't be eating. But I need to be mindful of my current behaviors and start using my mind to change those to more appropriate ones that will support my body, mind and soul in the present and in the future.
Ok, off to bed now. I guess I won't be eating breakfast tomorrow since I'll probably still be full from all the crap I ate tonight! :p
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