the loahting

I'm so angry at myself right now. Loathe myself. I make bad decisions, I can't stop eating, I'm a flake.

Bad decisions:
I'm super mad that because I didn't get to HNL soon enough to get the apartment I wanted in my parents' building. The guy had no applicants when I talked to him a week ago. If I'd come when I was supposed to, I would've probably gotten the place. But then there were three people wanting the apartment on Thursday when I went to go look at it. Then Friday he rented it to someone he know who that morning said he was looking for a place. ARGH. I'm so pissed at myself for not making this a priority, for taking the lazy path and not making myself come to HNL. I could've put off the stupid waterproofing contractors, put off the water heater replacement, forgone a little sleep. But no, I didn't, and now I have no place to live, nor does my sister. This place would've been perfect too: 3 BD so I could've had an office... diamond head side of the building but on the quieter corner.... parking places near my parents'... partially furnished. Now I'm back to the drawing board, looking at massively expensive unfurnished places, or creepy furnished places. And I desperately want to live in this building so it's easy to hang out with my parents' but still have my own space. I'm so lame.

Can't stop eating:
None of my clothes fit, even my former "fat clothes". Fat is hanging over my bra straps, my pants don't slide easily over my hips, and I can see the huge roll of flab on my back and stomach. I have not muscle tone. But all I do is eat, and eat, and eat. And I get angry because my parents can eat anything they want... cookies, ice cream, chips. I just want to stuff myself with food because I'm unhappy, off kilter, pissed at myself. I find myself revolting and the refrain "You're fat" goes through my head ALL.THE.TIME. I can't even bring myself to counter arguing anymore. I'm so gross and flabby.

Flake:
I keep dropping the ball at work. I'm not working as many hours as I should. I'm not doing anything cool with my time here in HNL. I'm just holing myself up in the guest bedroom. I didn't help my mom make dinner. I just suck.

Ok, off to eat a bunch of crap now. I'm so lame I don't even try to stop myself anymore. :(