I decided to take another month off work, going onto unpaid leave, and as soon as I emailed everyone to tell them, I'm second guessing my decision. Why am I here? What value is it? To me? To my dad? I've been so cross lately - angry when my mom bosses me around, annoyed with my dad's condition, frustrated with myself and my lack of coping skills, and irritated with so many things going on.
Part of me want to just leave and go home and immerse myself back in other things. But I'm sure work would annoy me right now. And the dreary weather. But then again, I don't really do anything outside other than the occasion swim or run, so what's the point of being here? Oh yeah, spending quality time with my dad.
Only there's not much quality. He's kind of too tired to have meaningful conversations, or I feel like I should wait until my sister gets here to have them.
I'm still dealing with the apartment too, and that's frustrating to me. The carpets and upholstery are getting cleaned (I had to move all the furniture, I have to move it all back, and I have to pay and get reimbursed for the cleaning, which I'm dubious the landlord will do) and then after all that who knows if it will smell any better? And even if it does, I feel like there's negative energy in there now and I don't want to deal with it. I wish we'd never rented the apartment and I'm mad about it now. I would rather be staying with my parents, it's a waste of money, sis won't be able to stay there, etc. I'm going to look at another apartment tomorrow, in case we need to move, but I'm thinking that's just going to cause more turmoil and stress. I'm tired of stress and just tired. It seems unfair that I have to deal with this while everything else is going on. But I do and I need to learn from it.
I have more I want to write, but my mom is bugging me to go to Costco.
Serenity now....
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