I suck

That's the refrain that has been going through my head constantly, 18x7 (I'm subtracting 6 hours for sleeping). I suck at work, at eating, at training, at life. I think the voices are loudest about work:
- I'm terrible at comms
- Everyone does more than I do
- I'm not smart about the business
- I don't have the drive I need to succeed
- I'm a fraud

The refrain runs through my head over and over and over again. The overwhelming feelings of inadequacy I have about myself when it comes to my job probably keep me from focusing on actually working. I hate feeling like this about my work, and while I've always had the "I'm not good enough" thoughts about my job, it's particularly bad with this role. I think everyone thinks I suck. I think I suck.

And then there's the eating/training/body stuff. I'm feel like a loser that I can't change my eating habits. Once again last night I went from a semi decent eating day/evening to hoovering half the kitchen. I'm sure it's stress (unconscious or conscious) and feeling totally off kilter right now in life. The apartment we wanted is probably going to fall through (and I beat myself up about not getting my shit together so I could have come earlier so I could've looked at the apartment so we would've been the only applicants...), I'm feeling uncomfortable about working from my parents' condo, and my sister is constantly giving her opinions about what we should do and spinning up lots of options that always seem to go nowhere. I'm tired and when I'm tired I eat. The voices tell me to go to bed while they are also telling me to eat. And then they just tell me I suck. As usual.

I'm no longer an athlete. I'm just a doughy girl who looks like a dork when she runs, doesn't swim very fast, and has the drive to push herself but not the talent to achieve greatness. I saw a bunch of triathletes running yesterday and thought to myself "I used to look like them and now I don't, I'm sad." Sad in the loser way and sad in the emotional way.

The "I suck" voice chimes in whenever I don't fit into yet another piece of clothing that used to hang off of me. Or when I look at myself in the mirror. Before I thought I looked ok, now I can see the layer of fat just hovering over me. And then I just want to eat. It's insanity, I know.

I stopped taking the new meds and am trying to not take sleeping or anxiety meds but then the food chemicals feel like the only way to quiet my mind. I know I need to working on breathing and journaling and meditating but I kinda suck at all that. <--- See, it's just what I say about myself.

I hate the world of flux and change I'm living in. I'm trying to embrace "going with the flow" but then I seem to just make dumb decisions. Or give up when I should be pushing harder. I don't often want to crawl back into bed and sleep to shut out the world, but waking up anxious every morning is hard to deal with. A nice latte takes the edge off but then the "I suck because I'm drinking calories and caffeine voice" chimes in.

I'm trying to tell the voice to shut up, or I'll turn the voice around to a positive statement but it often feels hollow, forced. But maybe it will help in the long run. I hope so, it's hard to feel this rotten about myself during such a tumultuous time in my life.