Trying to let it go

The last week has been a bit tumultuous for me emotionally. I've been trying to let it go, see the positive side of things, and not take things so personally. But I've been pretty depressed in the mornings, feeling anxiety during the day/evening and having weird body issues.

Here's a list of what I'm stressed about but trying to let slide:

- Apartment: spent too much time dealing with it, would rather be staying with my parents, not sure what next steps are, all the work I've done on it now makes it sort of livable so I'm not sure I can get out of the lease if that's what we want to do
- The drama has been high with my sister - she has announced she's not coming back to Hawaii which means having the apartment is just a huge waste of money, she tells me how I should be dealing with it, and when I try to offer up solutions, she tells me all the reasons why they won't work
- My dad hasn't been feeling well this week despite getting the stents in; he has a bladder infection and has been sleeping so much it's been hard to interact with him much
- I'm still not very nice to my mom sometimes which makes me sad
- I feel bad about not being at work: unimportant, not needed and worried when I go back that I won't want to be there
- And of course.... my ED and my body. I hate being pudgy, my clothes make me uncomfortable, and I wish I could stop stress eating. But it makes me happy in the moment. I wonder if I need to start taking antidepressants to get some of the chemicals I think the food is providing me. I know I'm stuffing myself to feel full emotionally because I'm so unsatisfied with what I can eat and what's going on right now. I'm horrible at self care (although trying)... I wish I could diet. I wish I could be skinny again. I feel like I'm plagued with seeing skinny people everywhere here (toned college students, tiny Asians) and I keep remembering how I used to be fit and thin and it makes me sad.

I guess I should talk more about my feelings with people - I do with a few good friends who know what's going on with me either from an ED perspective or a dad perspective. But it's hard to lay it all out there. I don't want people to get tired of hearing about my shit, and I am embarrassed to admit to people the extent of my issues. Most people don't understand the ED bit...

I don't know when  to feel the feelings and when to "shut up and move on". It's confusing. I don't want to be angry all the time and so I try to let things go. I try to feel compassion for myself and others, I try to assume best intentions. I want be a positive person for my parents, my friends, my self. But then I wonder if it's just masking.

Sad to say that while I was writing this that I started grazing. I love the taste of food, the process of eating it, feeling full afterwards. I'm going to try to stop now and go to bed. I hope tomorrow is a more positive, less confusing day for me.