I get frustrated when free food is offered and there's nothing for me. Especially when it's yummy looking and I'm hungry. So fuck it, I ate it. An Oreo cheesecake wedge and a toffee chocolate chip cookie. The fact that it's "off limits" makes me eat too much, too fast, and with guilt. Now my dad is confused about why I make such a stink about what my mom feeds me when I just stuffed a pile of gluten, dairy, eggs and cornstarch down my pie hole. Oh well, they were tasty.
The weird thing is that sometimes doing this makes me want to binge more, because I'm angry at myself for not having more "self control" and for not having the discipline to say no. But always denying myself these types of treats makes me angry too. It's a real lose/lose situation.
I'm already planning a cheat day for when a friend and I go on a hike because she wants to take me to a popular brunch place in Kailua where the specialties are guava chiffon pancakes, Portuguese sweet bread French toast and mac nut cinnamon rolls. Yes please, all of the above. With a side of Portuguese sausage or bacon.
So between now and then (the 19th) I should be "good" and go easy on the allergy foods. But with my departure back to the mainland coming soonish, there are still some things I want to eat here: L&L chicken katsu and mac salad, an onopop, shave ice, and maybe some more malasadas or snow puffies.
I wish I could heal my gut so I could eat what I want. It would be one way to have a more normal, less tortured relationship with food. But, I don't see that in my future so I need to "Have the courage to accept the things I can't change" and decide when I want to dabble in allergy foods and then NOT feel bad about it.
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