Discontent

I feel off balance right now. So many things up in the air, so many things to deal with. I am feeling pressure spend my last weeks here in a productive way, a meaningful way, a restful way - all of which are at odds with one another. I can't decide which should take precedence. Actually that's not entirely true. I should focus on the meaningful, but I'm bad at it. I'm trying to practice but it's taking time.

I should also be practicing alternatives to eating to soothe my stress, but I'm doing really badly at that. I just want to eat. But I hate being fat. So I need to reconcile my feelings and decide what's more important. I think learning to self-soothe in another way will be more productive long term but right now I'm having doubts that I can do it.

So why keep eating? What's in it for me?
- releases chemicals in the brain
-I like how food tastes
-it's easy and convenient
-it keeps my hands occupied
-food is love in my family so eating makes me feel loved, in the moment
- It gives me something to do
-It gives me something to look forward to
- It gives me something to share with my family and friends

Why should I stop eating?
- I'm uncomfortable in my clothes
-I don't like how my body looks
-I don't like how my body feels
-Extra weight makes it harder for me to run
-Extra weight makes me unhappy
- I miss looking and feeling like an athlete
-I'm ashamed of my secret eating
-It's making me unhealthy
-It makes me feel bad about myself

I'm struggling so much with my feelings about this right now. I cried on the couch, I felt unbalanced. I'm worried about going upstairs... will I binge again? Or will I have the strength to pass by the food and just go to bed? I wish the higher power that all the OA people say guides them would help me get beyond this. I wish I could act on this want, or am I just living a fantasy?

If you find yourself wanting something month after month, year after year, yet nothing happens and you never come any closer to it, then maybe what you actually want is a fantasy, an idealization, an image and a false promise.

This is the winter of my discontent. And I hope I can shake it.