Having angst

Big binge last night, totally prompted by... nothing? Wasn't really anxious, although maybe it's all the shit lying underneath. Plus I didn't follow my rule about taking Ambien. I took it before I was in bed, and all hell broke loose. As a result I weigh a pound more today than I did yesterday. Sigh. But Oddly, I didn't totally beat myself up about it. It was what it was. I ate a normal breakfast and lunch.

But NOW I'm having angst.

What should I do about an apartment? Still kicking myself about losing the place here because it was so PERFECT and I'm looking every day (even though I don't really want to, I should be working). Some places seem ok, but I don't want to make the decision considering what happened last time. But my sister isn't coming until next week and my dad has made some ominous remarks about needing family time to discuss "what's next" and so I'm not really interested in signing a 6 month least ANYWHERE. I worry about living with my sister and whether she is going to bail on me. OR complain all the time. Or hog up my time while I need to work.

I'm not training like I should for Bay to Breakers. I'm unmotivated to go long distance right now. Maybe I will try tonight. I enjoyed my swim last night but felt so slow. I remind myself that I"m there to enjoy the water as well as exercise, and I do that but the voice in my head just keeps telling me I should be going faster.

Work is slow going and I'm worried about being forgotten. I'm getting less focused as the week goes on. Maybe because my tiredness is increasing. Maybe I'm juggling too much other stuff (e.g., looking at apts).

I can feel the anxiety in my body in the form of chemical feelings, shortness of breath, etc. Fatigue and sadness too.

All of this is hard. I just hope I'm not making it harder than it should be by being a screw up, obsessive/compulsive, emotionally stunted.