My mom frustrates me

I know my mom can't help it... she's not responsible for her dementia, but it's making me crazy. Her forgetfulness, her inability to articulate, her slow speech, her decline in memory... she can't use the TV remote anymore, forgets where she's put her stuff and gets obstinate and angry when you tell her stuff. I'm sure it's really hard for her, but she won't even admit it's happening.

I also get frustrated by her eating and cooking. She insists on using so much salt and having meat at every meal. She has to mention every time she's using tamari or arrowroot powder or "non-gluten" options for pasta or bread. It makes me feel like a freak. She buys food for me but doesn't look at the labels so half the time I can't eat it. (well, don't want to eat it.) She complains if I want to buy organic meat or produce because it's more expensive than regular. Then she cooks as if there are 8 people living here so there's always too much food. And then she hardly eats anything. She's skin and bones and veins. It's gross to look at and makes me feel like a giant pig. I hate listening to her eat and smack her food (why do old people do that?) And it drives me crazy when she talks with her mouth full (again why do old people do that?). Tonight it gave me so much angst to be in the kitchen while she was eating cheese and crackers that I had to leave. And it stressed me out so much that I started eating. Lame excuse, I know. But it's true. I could feel all the chemicals coursing through my body. It was awful. At this rate, I'm going to be a balloon by the time my birthday rolls around in two weeks. I had wanted to lose weight but now I'm gaining. Sadness.

I know I need to practice patience and compassion but I've been so on edge since I've gotten here that it's really, really hard. No matter what I write, who I call, who I text, it's just not helping me and I end up in a pile of food every night.

I'm glad my mom still loves me enough to cook for me, and I hope I can start letting go of my anxiety around her and food.