Frustrated Francesca

It's been ages since I've written. I want to say that I suck, but I know part of my problem is that I have low self esteem and I'm mean to myself.

Anyway, after having good success with Sneakers - despite my weekend bingeing, I managed to lose 17 lbs! - I have been eating my head off for the last week. I've gained back 7 lbs, make myself feel sick eating on a regular basis, and keep beating myself doing the "last supper/I'll start anew" tomorrow thing. It sucks.

I'm frustrated with my mom, which makes me eat.
I'm frustrated that I can't eat what I want, which makes me eat.
I'm frustrated that I can't change (my eating, my work, my life).
I'm frustrated that I can make myself work out but not stop eating.
I'm frustrated that I like food so much.

I feel like I have no way to change and sometimes I don't want to change. But ultimately I do. I love being thin and fit and being proud of my body.  (I wish I had as much dedication to my job.)

I feel like no one can help me no matter how much therapy I do, who I talk to, or how many coping skills/distractions/mindfulness techniques I try. I just end up back with my face in the fridge.

Someday it will change. I just wish it were sooner rather than later.

I'm tired of being frustrated with myself all the time.