Things keep going "wrong" and I'm suffering for it. Housing issues, car issues, now parking issues. I keep trying my best to help solve them, but then the blow up. The newest is the parking space for my sister's car, which none of us wanted sent over in the first place. Now that she's back in Seattle and won't be coming back in March, if at all, we need to find a place to park it. I thought we had a spot for it but the people want it back now, and so I'm having to scramble to find something.
It makes me ANGRY because I'm tired of having to deal with all these issues, all her messes, having to pay for things that are useless and a waste of money. I'm TIRED of having to deal with jerky people, haggling for shit I don't want to deal with in the first place, and causing my dad and mom strife. I'm PISSED that I can't control my emotions enough to not let this shit affect me. That's what makes me eat at night. That's what makes my life miserable.
I know this is a shitty time, but could it stop being shittier? I already have to deal with my father dying, my mother having dementia, my sister having really awful physical and mental problem, being conflicted about what to do with my life, my own ED, etc. etc. I know that it is my reaction to the shit that happens that makes me suffer, but I'm feeling so fragile right now that I can barely make it through the day sometimes without having a total meltdown. Or I keep the meltdown at bay only to binge eat at night. Classic stuff, but I can't process it other ways yet.
I know my sister is suffering right now, but I'm so irritated with her sometimes. I know it's not her fault that things happened the way they did, but I'm tired of cleaning up the messes. I know she put good effort in this week to help here, but now she's gone and I'm still mopping things up. It sucks. Big time.
I don't like to talk to my friends about this stuff because it feels like I'm just complaining but I can't deal with this on my own. And people say I should ask for help. So here it is.... universe, please help me make it through this awful time, please stop throwing these grenades at me. I'm tired and afraid and don't know what to do. Everyone says I'm so great, but it's not true, it's all a sham. I'm just a duck, looking all good on the surface and paddling furiously underneath.
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