The voices

I haven't written in a while. Not that I haven't needed to, I just don't seem to have time. It's hard to find time at work, it's hard to do it when I'm at my sister's and I just do other things when I'm at home. But the voices are really loud right now: I'm fat, undisciplined, I suck at my job, a fraud, I'm not doing enough for my dad, my sister, myself, I'm a loser because I can't juggle everything and because I can't stop eating. It's frustrating, and every time I "fail" the voices just get louder.  Whenever I think, "I'm fat" I try to counter with "I'm fit" but it doesn't ring true. When I think "I hate my body" I think "I love my body for what it lets me do" but that's not entirely true. When I think "I suck" I try to replace that with "I'm doing the best I can" but that doesn't feel good enough.


Still giving myself a hard time about eating too much vs cutting down my portion sizes, eat the wrong things, and not exercising more. I'm bloated from eating too much salt and take out. I want to get back to healthier eating, I want to train harder, I want to cut myself some slack, I want to be proud of myself. But when I feel my clothes getting tighter, and my heart sinking back into my chest, I just haven't been able to be that positive.


I'll keep trying. The voices need to go away.