Steps?

So, today was pretty awful. My sister asked us to kill her because she was in so much pain after her surgery (and the fucking medical staff was SO UNHELPFUL it made me hate the medical establishment even more). It was so hard to watch her suffer and feel like I couldn't help. It makes me feel so bad for her that her life is so painful. I hate watching how she and her husband interact because she's tired of being in pain, and he's tired of taking care of her. It makes me so sad.

I felt guilty because I shouldn't have left her last night, I should have stayed in the hospital. Then I slept in and missed the doctor's rounds, where maybe I could've been helpful. But I'm so tired. And I think about having to watch my dad decline, be in pain, be on heavy duty meds and it makes me anxious and sad.

But if I put a positive spin on it, perhaps the last 3 months and then this journey are all preparing me for that. Being with my dad made me more compassionate (I think) and willing to help someone who's sick. Being with my sister is helping me work my way up to watching my dad die. It's all really awful and I wish I didn't have to go through any of it. But maybe it's helping me grow somehow.

I hope that I can also learn how to not use food as comfort during this time. It's so hard though....

Ok, off to bed. I read that lack of sleep lowers leptin and increases grehlin which is a super bad combo leading to weight gain. And I'm pudge-ball... Not happy about it, but not the most important issue right now... another time.