It's 1:46 a.m. and I just got vented at again by my sister. Her negativity, anger, and bitterness hit my body like a huge wave; I can feel the energy of her emotions washing over me. It's exhausting to listen, but I don't know how to disengage without seeming uncaring. I can't solve the problems, so I'm not helpful to her and that makes me feel bad. "We are all doing the best we can" is the mantra everyone says, but it often doesn't feel anywhere near good.
I was going to come home but now that's in flux... my boss said that I should devote time here until things get sorted (because he doesn't want a half-engaged employee coming back and being distracted at work) and while that's actually what I want, it feels like it's not the "right" thing to do, or that I am doing it for selfish reasons (wanting to spend time not working, hanging out with my parents). But it's probably what I would counsel others to do. Plus, with my sister deciding that she needs to go home, I don't want to leave them without help until my dad finally gets into hospice. I worry that I won't be very good with his continuing decline, especially if he starts getting physically sick - I'm so bad with bodily fluids. :p
I'm a little freaked out that I haven't been home in over 2 months, and I'd like to go back for a bit of a de-stress period, just to check in with my house, my friends, my doctors, and my therapist. Honestly though, I don't really miss Seattle much. I like the sun too much, I like the bright colors and the less intense vibe here. I think about moving, although I'm sure it would be different if I had to work. I worry about my mom being alone here after my dad dies but that may not be the best reason to move. And it's a big commitment to come to "the rock" as some of the locals call it; I hear them talking about needing to get off of it. I like the smallness of my world right now but I might not for a longer term period. I don't know...
What I do know is that I need more sleep, I need less food and I need to continue practicing coping skills. It's going to get worse before it gets better. Dealing with my dad's cancer, my mom's dementia, my sister's chronic illness and related anger, and my own ED issues is overwhelming at times. Having to process my father's death, get the condo sold/my mom moved, deal with my sister's emotional state at that time feels undoable right now. I know I have to do it one step at a time, but it scares the crap out of me just thinking about it.
2:00 a.m. now, and I will likely be getting another 4.5 hrs of sleep before I wake up to watch the sunrise, work out, get coffee, and get ready to show the GD apartment to some flaky person who will end up just irritating me because she can't make offloading the unit easy. Nothing has been easy for the last month, and I hope that all this stress is helping me learn something, be better prepared for something.
Until the next time....
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