Death and whatnot

Lots of tough discussion with my family lately. My dad is being up front about how he's feeling and his desire to not be in pain or losing dignity due to his cancer. He doesn't really love his life right now and although he's not ready to be gone now, he's intimating that it won't be long before he is. Hard subject to discuss because I obviously don't want him to be gone, my mom can barely deal with it, and my sister went to the ER this weekend because she's distressed about it (and she's not even here yet).

My sister has also told me that she wants to die. She hates her life, it has no meaning, and when our dad is gone if her health problems don't get better, she's going too. I don't know how I can agree that my father has the right to die and not agree that my sister does too. She's been sick for so long, with no real path to recovery for her. My father has instilled in her that it's only going to get harder as we get older.

It's all very depressing but I'm doing my best to keep calm in the face of all of this. But of course it makes me eat. I do ok during the day but nighttime comes and it's a free for all. I've had some success with limiting what I eat the last few days but not tonight. I was already frustrated that I frittered away my chance to work out by working too late. I thought I might go after dinner but that didn't happen because of prolonged conversation with my parents and a phone call from my sister. Then I felt like I needed to work more. I succumbed into dessert (PB banana smoothie), then mango strips because I was tired, and now chips because... I have no idea why really. Upset? Frustrated? Sad? Yeah, probably all of the above.

I called the ED clinic here in Hawaii, but no answer. My dad is inviting the social worker/therapist from the hospice to come talk to the family, but I'm thinking that won't help my eating stuff. My mom got a referral to some psychologists I could check out but it sounds like I'd need a referral and I don't have one.

I'm trying to be compassionate with myself, but really I'm just frustrated. I want to stop this madness that's making me unhappy. I'm worried this will get even worse once my dad dies, if my sister dies. I just can't stand being pudgy, much less fat. It won't make me want to kill myself, but it makes me feel less like I'm living the life I should be living.

I know the answer lies within, but I'm resisting the truth, the need to change, the reality that's only too obvious with others but not myself.

1:00, time for bed. I hope I can sleep tonight with all these thought running through my head.