Too tired

It's 1:46 a.m. and I just got vented at again by my sister. Her negativity, anger, and bitterness hit my body like a huge wave; I can feel the energy of her emotions washing over me. It's exhausting to listen, but I don't know how to disengage without seeming uncaring. I can't solve the problems, so I'm not helpful to her and that makes me feel bad. "We are all doing the best we can" is the mantra everyone says, but it often doesn't feel anywhere near good.

I was going to come home but now that's in flux... my boss said that I should devote time here until things get sorted (because he doesn't want a half-engaged employee coming back and being distracted at work) and while that's actually what I want, it feels like it's not the "right" thing to do, or that I am doing it for selfish reasons (wanting to spend time not working, hanging out with my parents). But it's probably what I would counsel others to do. Plus, with my sister deciding that she needs to go home, I don't want to leave them without help until my dad finally gets into hospice. I worry that I won't be very good with his continuing decline, especially if he starts getting physically sick - I'm so bad with bodily fluids. :p

I'm a little freaked out that I haven't been home in over 2 months, and I'd like to go back for a bit of a de-stress period, just to check in with my house, my friends, my doctors, and my therapist. Honestly though, I don't really miss Seattle much. I like the sun too much, I like the bright colors and the less intense vibe here. I think about moving, although I'm sure it would be different if I had to work. I worry about my mom being alone here after my dad dies but that may not be the best reason to move. And it's a big commitment to come to "the rock" as some of the locals call it; I hear them talking about needing to get off of it. I like the smallness of my world right now but I might not for a longer term period. I don't know...

What I do know is that I need more sleep, I need less food and I need to continue practicing coping skills. It's going to get worse before it gets better. Dealing with my dad's cancer, my mom's dementia, my sister's chronic illness and related anger, and my own ED issues is overwhelming at times. Having to process my father's death, get the condo sold/my mom moved, deal with my sister's emotional state at that time feels undoable right now. I know I have to do it one step at a time, but it scares the crap out of me just thinking about it.

2:00 a.m. now, and I will likely be getting another 4.5 hrs of sleep before I wake up to watch the sunrise, work out, get coffee, and get ready to show the GD apartment to some flaky person who will end up just irritating me because she can't make offloading the unit easy. Nothing has been easy for the last month, and I hope that all this stress is helping me learn something, be better prepared for something.

Until the next time....

Depressed

Super fat (127.8 lbs!!!), stressed about the apartment (not renting it, renting it, having to clean it up, having to move stuff back to my parents) and going home. I want to cry, I want to go back to bed. But I won't. I'm going to go out. I don't know where yet. Maybe the gym, maybe the beach. Maybe the bakery with the purple malasadas I want to eat. I suck at not eating when I'm stressed out. I suck at moderating my intake of "allergy foods" (ate WAY too much plate lunch yesterday). I suck at being ok with leaving food on my plate, in the fridge, in the pantry. l feel bad I bought more food at Whole Foods last week, and now I feel like I have to eat it or take it home. Why don't I feel ok just leaving it? I don't know....

Ok, off to see the sunshine. I hope it makes me feel better about myself and my life.

Mornings suck

hard to get out of bed these days, very depressed when I get up. don't want to do anything.

Now it's late and I feel like I don't have time to work out or go do anything before I'm supposed be in service to my parents.

I'd rather just go lay in the sun today but I have so much to do before I leave on Saturday. and I don't want to leave.

I'd hoped to be the same weight going as I was coming but that's not happening. And it's sad that that's what I care about when what I should care about is my dad dying, my mom having dementia and my sister being sick and depressed. I feel like I'm the only normal one until I remember I have raging ED issues.

Oh well, it's another day and I have to get going.

At least the sky is blue, the ocean is turquoise and there is sunshine.

the hole has opened

my dad is looking worse and feeling worse. Donny is leaving. My sister isn't handling things well and doesn't know if she can stay. I cant find anyone to take the apartment. I weight the most today since I've been here. I look terrible. I don't want to go back to work. I don't want to go back to Seattle. I am stressed because I cant accept the reality that has been put in front of me. The hole has opened in front of me....i dont want to fall in but I feel myself.slipping.....

Angst = eating

I had a bad day today. I felt like all the decisions I made were wrong and led to a dissatisfying end to Donny's visit. I didn't really get to hang out with him much, I feel like I gypped my parents out of time with him, and I'm not sure he got to do what he wanted to do.

After a few days of overeating that led to my highest weight since I've been here. I didn't overeat today but then after all the frustrations and irritations, I way hoovered the pupus we had before he left. So many potato chips, cheese, salami and two cokes. Then after taking him to the airport, ice cream soda, a cookie (a really crappy full of gluten and shit one), and then when I got upstairs (a HUGE source of frustration for me - can't find someone to rent it, Sis won't stay here, it's causing my dad irritation and wasting his money) I ate two peanut butter cups and WAAAAAAAY too much cereal. When will it stop?

My sister is wise and says I should stop beating myself up. But I can't when I see what it's doing to my body, my spirit and my health. And yet I still have a list of things as long as my arm that I want to eat before I go - many of them "allergy" foods. Why am I so obsessed?

I want to be thin again, to have a body I can be proud of, skills to channel my angst and sadness into other things besides food... I know I can't stop angst, but I need to stop eating because I feel it.

Super Frustrated

I hate having to show the apartment. I hate being in limbo. I hate that I have to go home next week. I don't want to work. I don't want to be in the winter weather. I don't want to have to put pants on. I'm afraid of the number on my home scale. What will it be? I'm afraid my dad will die while I'm in Seattle. He might come to WA to get death drugs from Seattle Cancer Care Alliance and I'm afraid to have him stay with me. I'm overeating a bit, and eating "ALLERGY" foods, and I can tell it's affecting my body but I kind of don't care. Maybe being pudgy is better than being angry about food right now. Maybe I'll learn to cope in my own, slow way. I was happy I didn't binge last night, but I was very depressed this morning. I hope that trend (the depression) doesn't continue. Ok, off to do something with my mom, take my dad to the doctor, and try to get my sister out of bed....

doing it wrong again

people keep asking me if I've moved to Hawaii... Am I working remotely... And now I feel.like that's what I should have done. Or should do. Stop being a slacker, go back to work, spend time with my parents AND be a productive member of society.


but u know what? I didn't want to. And I'm stressed out about going back to work, pretending like I care, getting too absorbed again, forgetting my dad is going to DIE while I spend time writing emails and motivational speeches for my boss, well, really just organizing them for him. Maybe if I actually wrote them I'd feel more of a purpose. But I don't.


I wonder if I'll get massive fat back in Seattle , succumbing to the depression that's loominout there but kept at bay because of.my parents, the sun and the warmth. I think I'll do a program at the gym (the only reason I'm glad to be going back) so that doesn't happen
ill try to engage with my friends. But secretly ill wish i could be in Hawaii or another sunny locale. But mostly Hawaii because I want to be with my dad. Maybe I will do what my sister suggested and tell work I want to work part.time, in a different job, from Hawaii. She said I need to tell.people.what I want. And she's right. I don't want to feel like I'm doing it wrong anymore and part.of that is saying what I want and why I want it. And then being good with that. So there.

Feeling like a failure

I feel like I've done "everything" wrong since I've been here. Haven't had the deep and meaningful conversations I'm supposed to with my dad. Haven't gotten all the business done (seeing where my mom will live, getting papers signed, getting my dad into hospice). Haven't figured out how to account for time away from work this month and haven't filed any paperwork for FMLA, even though I have all the papers signed. Didn't start working out with my personal trainer in Nov/Dec so I could jettison my gym membership at 24 hr Fitness at the end of the year, and now I'm trying to cram in 5 sessions before the end of the month so I can cancel. Didn't start going to OA meetings early enough. Didn't realize Ai Pono was across the street so I could get help for my CE/BE issues. Haven't done anything to document my time here like put together a photo album for my dad, write a blog, etc.

My friend with ED thinks I need to go back into treatment and that makes me feel like a huge failure. I was supposed to be her inspiration (as the strong, older, successful woman) and now she's telling me my problems are so severe that I need more help. And maybe I do. But I don't want to take time away from my parents. I don't want to have to leave work again. I want to solve this on my own, dammit.

I'm also feeling like a failure around the whole apartment thing. I'm scared to email the landlord, and I'm scared to talk to my sister about it. I don't want to engage my father on the topic because he doesn't need the stress. But from beginning until now, I feel like I made a bunch of missteps that have landed us in this situation. Part of me wants to tell my sister she has to deal with it, much like she makes us deal with stuff. But since I'm on the lease, I don't think that will fly. But, really, if she's so gung ho, she should be on point. I just think she'd screw things up more because she's so aggressive.

I know I'm not really a failure, that "everything" isn't wrong, but I do have this nagging feeling that I'm not doing things right, that I should be doing things better. And it makes me sad, angry, frustrated...

Processing anger

I'm writing this morning to help process my anger instead of letting it rumble through my head while I work out. I want to send an intention to start the day positively and be a positive force for my family and myself.

My sister has decided to not come today (she was supposed to come Tuesday, yesterday, and now today). She might come Friday, she might come Monday. She might even come the last week of January. Or I suspect she may not come at all.

Here are my feelings about this that make me angry:

• If she hadn't intended to come this month, we wouldn't have rented this apartment which has now turned into a huge headache for us.
• She shipped her car over which now we have to deal with - pick it up, find a place to park it, etc.
• She doesn't realize how her whims affect the emotions of others. Being in a state of limbo is hard.
• I feel like she is disrespecting my father by not coming and helping, and disrespecting my desire to have family time.
• I feel like I am going to have to stay even longer to ensure he is taken care of, and I'm not doing the things I need to because I'm in a state of limbo.
• She has placed all the burden of dealing with the apartment on me. Personally, at this point, I am torn between asking to get out of the lease and just keeping it. At least I wouldn't have to endure lots of nasty emails (projection, I know, but that's what I assume) with the landlord, and I wouldn't have to spend my precious time packing up and cleaning up the apartment.
• She says she's so thoughtful and I'm selfish, but really it seems to be the other way around, but I don't get any credit for it.

I understand she is sick, and she does think about the dynamic of the two us being here together, which is sometimes fraught with challenges. I believe we are all doing the best we can. But it still frustrates me to have this little thorn in my side poking at me.

I wake up most days with a sense of dread, unhappiness, unease and being sad about this situation. I know that wouldn't change if she were here, but perhaps the other situations would be easier if she had just said she didn't want to come or couldn't come. I wish she would see how her actions and behaviors affect us. And affect me. I don't feel like I can be honest with her about my feelings in this area, so I am writing instead. I hope it lets me get out of my head and into my day in a more positive way.

One interesting note... these feelings don't make me want to stuff a bunch of junk in my face right now. Maybe that's because I ended up eating at 1:00 last night because I couldn't sleep (and it did help me fall asleep) or because it's getting stored up for later today. I don't know, but it is interesting to me that my resolve to not binge is stronger in the morning. Or that it doesn't even really cross my mind. I just want to get to the gym and get going on my day.

Over and out for now...time to sweat it out.

Discontent

I feel off balance right now. So many things up in the air, so many things to deal with. I am feeling pressure spend my last weeks here in a productive way, a meaningful way, a restful way - all of which are at odds with one another. I can't decide which should take precedence. Actually that's not entirely true. I should focus on the meaningful, but I'm bad at it. I'm trying to practice but it's taking time.

I should also be practicing alternatives to eating to soothe my stress, but I'm doing really badly at that. I just want to eat. But I hate being fat. So I need to reconcile my feelings and decide what's more important. I think learning to self-soothe in another way will be more productive long term but right now I'm having doubts that I can do it.

So why keep eating? What's in it for me?
- releases chemicals in the brain
-I like how food tastes
-it's easy and convenient
-it keeps my hands occupied
-food is love in my family so eating makes me feel loved, in the moment
- It gives me something to do
-It gives me something to look forward to
- It gives me something to share with my family and friends

Why should I stop eating?
- I'm uncomfortable in my clothes
-I don't like how my body looks
-I don't like how my body feels
-Extra weight makes it harder for me to run
-Extra weight makes me unhappy
- I miss looking and feeling like an athlete
-I'm ashamed of my secret eating
-It's making me unhealthy
-It makes me feel bad about myself

I'm struggling so much with my feelings about this right now. I cried on the couch, I felt unbalanced. I'm worried about going upstairs... will I binge again? Or will I have the strength to pass by the food and just go to bed? I wish the higher power that all the OA people say guides them would help me get beyond this. I wish I could act on this want, or am I just living a fantasy?

If you find yourself wanting something month after month, year after year, yet nothing happens and you never come any closer to it, then maybe what you actually want is a fantasy, an idealization, an image and a false promise.

This is the winter of my discontent. And I hope I can shake it.

Bubble burst

The scale this morning was a horror story... 2 lbs gained since my last weigh in. I guess my late night nut butter binges finally caught up to me. I feel fat, bloated and sad. I'm supposed to go to lunch with my yoga teacher and I don't want to go because she's thin and in control of her eating, no doubt. I'm tired and want to just go back to bed and sleep away all my problems. I want to eat more and get even fatter so I can really be disgusted with myself. I'm feeling helpless in my life, with my disease, with my dad, etc...

I hate my lack of will power right now - I guess I just want soothe myself more than I want to be thin. But I hate being fat and I hate feeling like I have no good self care routines so I need work on this. Practice, like everything else I do...

Sigh.

I love when this happens

I've been eating like crazy and when I stepped on the scale, I weighed less today than yesterday. I know it's all based on water weight, salt intake, blah blah blah but it still makes me happy. Which I know is all disordered and crap but I don't care.

I do care that I'm trying to maintain sanity around food, but it's hard. I've dialed back on my exercise a bit so that I don't spend countless hours at the gym. I've stopped buying binge foods (mostly) and I'm trying to not do weird obsessive things around food. But I still eat too much, and I still comfort myself at night with food.

I wonder if I moved back in with my parents if I would stop that last one. Maybe not stop but it might reduce. But I'm too tired to move my stuff back down here, especially when I'd just have to move it back upstairs. (My dad is trying so hard to fix the smell problem and I'm wondering why he wants to hold onto an apartment that causes me so much grief. I guess I should ask.)

I don't know what the scale will hold tomorrow, but I'm getting a massage which I hope doesn't provoke any body issues for me. I miss being skinny, having strangers comment on my toned body. But I will try to embrace this as an opportunity to love my body no matter what size it is. Wish me luck.

I'm not even trying

I pretty much have just given in to my desires to overeat the last few nights. It's a fait accompli. Like tonight. Out of sync with my parents, stressed about the apt and spending too much time worrying about the apartment, not spending enough time with my mom and dad, not asking my dad the questions I should be asking him, or telling him the things I should be telling him, worrying about my sister flying off the handle and doing something rash.... I was destined to eat too much when I came back up to the apartment (which still smells so perfumey!!!)

Fruit smoothie, chocolate bars, rice cake and mactella. I'm embarrassed that I've already eaten the jar of mactella that "Santa" gave me. No one know about the chocolate bars, but I do.

I'd wanted to take that chocolate and mactella home, now I'm telling myself I'm not allowed to bring anything home. Much like I'm trying to not to buy binge-territory foods at the grocery store anymore. I managed to not buy ice cream at the grocery store tonight. That was a win.

I want something sweet and fat and toothsome for dessert every night, but I can't control myself. I want to eat, I want to feel too full. I just don't want to gain weight, and I am. So I have to stop. I have to figure out how to conquer this ED/OA/food addiction.

Evil Cheater

I get frustrated when free food is offered and there's nothing for me. Especially when it's yummy looking and I'm hungry. So fuck it, I ate it. An Oreo cheesecake wedge and a toffee chocolate chip cookie. The fact that it's "off limits" makes me eat too much, too fast, and with guilt. Now my dad is confused about why I make such a stink about what my mom feeds me when I just stuffed a pile of gluten, dairy, eggs and cornstarch down my pie hole. Oh well, they were tasty.

The weird thing is that sometimes doing this makes me want to binge more, because I'm angry at myself for not having more "self control" and for not having the discipline to say no. But always denying myself these types of treats makes me angry too. It's a real lose/lose situation.

I'm already planning a cheat day for when a friend and I go on a hike because she wants to take me to a popular brunch place in Kailua where the specialties are guava chiffon pancakes, Portuguese sweet bread French toast and mac nut cinnamon rolls. Yes please, all of the above. With a side of Portuguese sausage or bacon.

So between now and then (the 19th) I should be "good" and go easy on the allergy foods. But with my departure back to the mainland coming soonish, there are still some things I want to eat here: L&L chicken katsu and mac salad, an onopop, shave ice, and maybe some more malasadas or snow puffies.

I wish I could heal my gut so I could eat what I want. It would be one way to have a more normal, less tortured relationship with food. But, I don't see that in my future so I need to "Have the courage to accept the things I can't change" and decide when I want to dabble in allergy foods and then NOT feel bad about it.

Trying to let it go

The last week has been a bit tumultuous for me emotionally. I've been trying to let it go, see the positive side of things, and not take things so personally. But I've been pretty depressed in the mornings, feeling anxiety during the day/evening and having weird body issues.

Here's a list of what I'm stressed about but trying to let slide:

- Apartment: spent too much time dealing with it, would rather be staying with my parents, not sure what next steps are, all the work I've done on it now makes it sort of livable so I'm not sure I can get out of the lease if that's what we want to do
- The drama has been high with my sister - she has announced she's not coming back to Hawaii which means having the apartment is just a huge waste of money, she tells me how I should be dealing with it, and when I try to offer up solutions, she tells me all the reasons why they won't work
- My dad hasn't been feeling well this week despite getting the stents in; he has a bladder infection and has been sleeping so much it's been hard to interact with him much
- I'm still not very nice to my mom sometimes which makes me sad
- I feel bad about not being at work: unimportant, not needed and worried when I go back that I won't want to be there
- And of course.... my ED and my body. I hate being pudgy, my clothes make me uncomfortable, and I wish I could stop stress eating. But it makes me happy in the moment. I wonder if I need to start taking antidepressants to get some of the chemicals I think the food is providing me. I know I'm stuffing myself to feel full emotionally because I'm so unsatisfied with what I can eat and what's going on right now. I'm horrible at self care (although trying)... I wish I could diet. I wish I could be skinny again. I feel like I'm plagued with seeing skinny people everywhere here (toned college students, tiny Asians) and I keep remembering how I used to be fit and thin and it makes me sad.

I guess I should talk more about my feelings with people - I do with a few good friends who know what's going on with me either from an ED perspective or a dad perspective. But it's hard to lay it all out there. I don't want people to get tired of hearing about my shit, and I am embarrassed to admit to people the extent of my issues. Most people don't understand the ED bit...

I don't know when  to feel the feelings and when to "shut up and move on". It's confusing. I don't want to be angry all the time and so I try to let things go. I try to feel compassion for myself and others, I try to assume best intentions. I want be a positive person for my parents, my friends, my self. But then I wonder if it's just masking.

Sad to say that while I was writing this that I started grazing. I love the taste of food, the process of eating it, feeling full afterwards. I'm going to try to stop now and go to bed. I hope tomorrow is a more positive, less confusing day for me.

morning blues

I used to enjoy the mornings, watching the sun rise. It was beautiful and kept my mind off of things for a few.minutes. Now I have a sense of dread when i wake up. In the smelly apartment, by myself, sometimes having had disturbing dreams. I just want to stay in bed but i have to soldier on. Or I will succumb and not be helpful to anyone.

Indecision and Irritation

I decided to take another month off work, going onto unpaid leave, and as soon as I emailed everyone to tell them, I'm second guessing my decision. Why am I here? What value is it? To me? To my dad? I've been so cross lately - angry when my mom bosses me around, annoyed with my dad's condition, frustrated with myself and my lack of coping skills, and irritated with so many things going on.

Part of me want to just leave and go home and immerse myself back in other things. But I'm sure work would annoy me right now. And the dreary weather. But then again, I don't really do anything outside other than the occasion swim or run, so what's the point of being here? Oh yeah, spending quality time with my dad.

Only there's not much quality. He's kind of too tired to have meaningful conversations, or I feel like I should wait until my sister gets here to have them.

I'm still dealing with the apartment too, and that's frustrating to me. The carpets and upholstery are getting cleaned (I had to move all the furniture, I have to move it all back, and I have to pay and get reimbursed for the cleaning, which I'm dubious the landlord will do) and then after all that who knows if it will smell any better? And even if it does, I feel like there's negative energy in there now and I don't want to deal with it. I wish we'd never rented the apartment and I'm mad about it now. I would rather be staying with my parents, it's a waste of money, sis won't be able to stay there, etc. I'm going to look at another apartment tomorrow, in case we need to move, but I'm thinking that's just going to cause more turmoil and stress. I'm tired of stress and just tired. It seems unfair that I have to deal with this while everything else is going on. But I do and I need to learn from it.

I have more I want to write, but my mom is bugging me to go to Costco.

Serenity now....

losing perspective , gaining weight

bad week this week stress wise, food wise. Lots of overeating and mild bingeing. I went to an OA meeting today. Nice people and good to be around people with the same issues but didn't help one iota in terms of making me want to.practice other coping mechanisms or stop.eating. In fact, i am planning to eat a lot.tonigt and maybe stuff myself silly later. Why? I am angry that I'm in this situation. I'm pissed that i have to deal with my dads illness and his feeling horrible this week. My mom is driving me crazy. I hate them both for being skinny and for not wanting to eat all the time. I'm pissed i was never taught good stress relief and coping skills. I'm tired of being fat and i want to be skinny, thin, fit and envied by others again. I hate being lumpy and frumpy. And having to feel.constrained in My clothes. Clothes that used to hang off me. I'm angry at my sister for.leaving . If she hadn't or had just said she was going home we would have rented that dumb apartment that now i have to deal.with, live in and fight with the landlord about. Fuck her, she can deal with it when she gets back. I'll just do a her and leave. I don't want to go bad to.work though, i can't stand the thought of going back to that dumb job and the asshole people who run the company. What is the point? They aren't making My life better or easier or saving the oceans or my dad. They' re just trying to sell more phones and tablets and half baked tech that doesn't work and embarrasssess me in front of my family and friends. (like the lame typos in this post!!) I'm tired of being a fat loser who cant sto.eating even though i know its whats making me fat. So there it is. I'm unraveling....but I can't admit that to my parents or.friends. I'm supposed.to.be the strong one, the good one. What a load.of bullshit. This is all bullshit. I hate who I am right now.

Life Sucks and Then You Learn

This is a new motto I have in my head. Whenever life is sucking big time (like it is now), I think, "what am I learning from this?". Sometimes it's hard to see but if I can think about bad stuff in positive ways, I think it will help me in the long run.

So what am I learning from my conflict about the apartment:
- read the state laws whenever entering a transaction in a new state (or even WA!!)
- I need to stand up for myself, ask for what I want
- people aren't necessarily bad (although this landlord might be), they just have different sides of the story
- don't let myself get bullied
- TRUST MY INSTINCTS