I'm a terrible person

I just pushed my mom because I got mad at her for staring at my food.
I need to go back to therapy. :(

Agita

I'm busting out of my clothes and my bra is bugging me and it's giving me angst.
I don't want to stay in the apartment, it makes me sad to be alone and angry that it's not right.
I'm sad that we can't have a good family evening before my sister and Mike leaves.
I'm worried she will have an allergic reaction to the apartment.
I think she's going to flake on coming back.
My stomach hurts and I'm tired of that.
I desperately want to be skinny but I can't stop eating.
I know I should but I just can't. :(
I'm sad and anxious and the Xanax didn't help.
I hope I don't spiral into a depression or a serious binge fest.
I know I can change, but it just feels so hard right now.

still angry

I'm really angry at my sister right now. She's done nothing for my family since she's been here. She asked me to go to the drug store for her, she drank my sodas I bought for myself and now she's bailing on dinner to go to the spa and didn't even ask if I wanted to go. She's leaving to go home and i bet she wont come back for a while. And when she does she'll say she cant stay in the apartment my dad is paying bank for because of the smell. In the meantime, I'm cleaning it, arguing with the landlord, trying to make it ok. She does nothing except.sleep and try to make us watch videos she likes and gets mad when we don't want to. And then accuses me of bad behavior when I have to excuse myself because I'm too full of emotions to deal with her and my parents. And then I feel selfish if I want to work out or go to the pool. And on top of all this I have a ton of work shit to do that I don't want to do and what I realy need to do is sleep but I can't stand being in the bed in the apartment because of the smell. It's no wonder I'm so fat because all I find solace in is sunsets ( no more.sunrises in the new apt) and food. I want to complain to anyone who can listen but that seems unfair and unkind.


just had a nasty phone call with my sister and she's mad at me and vice versa. I am so poised at her that she is so selfish and just blames it on her illness. And when I try to do the same, I'm just an awful person who needs to get my head out of my ass.


I want our family to like each other. Why can't we?

In an angry mood

I'm pissed that my dad is dying but right now I'm mad at him. He ate the cake I've been waiting to eat for days. Argh. Oh well, guess it's the universe's way of saying I'm eating too much and to stop it already.

I'm also pissed that we just circle around each other all day. What a waste of time for Mike to be in Hawaii, doing nothing he'd like to be doing like diving or getting a massage. Ok, we did go to Zippy's for lunch but that's not really something he wanted to do, he was just hungry. And because A was so fucking lazy and couldn't get out of bed all day, we were late to go to the place he really wanted to go and then it closed.

I'm mad at my mom for giving away the food I gave to her for her birthday. I think I'll take back the food gift I gave her for Xmas. She won't eat it anyway. What a waste of money.

I'm mad that I have to sleep in a smelly apartment in smelly sheets and that I'm the one who has to deal with the f'ing landlord who is starting to be a dick because I'm asking for stuff to be fixed. For the amount he's charging, I should be asking for way more. Especially since we're doing each other a MUTUAL favor with this short term lease.

I'm angry that I feel guilty when I go do stuff for myself, but everyone just thinks I'm selfish because I'm working out or going to yoga or wanting to GO DO SOMETHING!!! outside of this building. Am I the only one who likes fresh air and sunshine and interacting with the world? It certainly seems like it.

And of course, I'm pissed at myself that I keep eating, even though I want to be skinny, thin, fit, have awesome arms and no cellulite. Eating is my refuge, my respite, and also my nemesis.

Someday this will change I hope to be less angry. For now, I'm just pissed off.

I'm on a tear

Both with eating and writing.

After my "too much lunch" I did "too much dinner" and then I bought ice cream at the store when I had to go pick up ginger ale and saltines for my dad. I ate the whole pint. Oh well.

Having a hard time watching my dad suffer. I'm worried he'll get really sick from the pain meds (like he said happened last time) and that I'll have to help clean up. Phobia alert, can't deal, ack, ugh, urg. I'm going to be sad and disappointed if Christmas sucks because he can't get out of bed or feels awful. I don't want this to be my last memory of holidays with him.

We went to a service at their church last night called Blue Christmas which is for people who have had losses in their lives that make the holidays tough for them. I felt out of place with candle lighting and memory tags because I haven't really had that much loss in my life yet. I saved the tag for next year, and lit the candle in affirmation of hope that our family will make it through this hard time with grace.

I feel kind of sick right now. Maybe that stuffed feeling is probably masking my real pain... blah blah blah. I willingly ate what I ate tonight, and while ED is beating me up in my head, I'm also sort of ok with it. And it's not like I'm going to go eat everything else in the fridge or freezer tonight. And that's a step in the right direction.

Stress eating

My dad got home from his procedure, in pain and kind of down. They put in the stents but didn't remove the nephrostomy tubes, he's wearing Depends and peeing blood. He's queasy but wants to take pain meds and I'm worried it will make him sick. I'm so phobic about barfing that I just want to run away right now. I'm horrible about taking care of people. I've never liked being around sick people and I'm not very compassionate when it comes to this stuff.

I had a terrible stomach ache all day and finally decided I should eat something, so I had a bowl of leftovers... and then another... and another. I knew I shouldn't be doing it, but I did anyway. And now my mom wants to cook dinner soon. Ugh. I guess I don't have to eat it, but I'm having a thing about clearing out the fridge of all the crap in there so we have room for Christmas food.

I'm worried that my dad is going to feel crappy all through Christmas and this will be the first Christmas that's kind of depressing because he feels yucky and it's going to be his last Christmas (most likely). It's not the Christmas memories I want to have.

But I'm trying to let it go and try not to control everything. The food will be the food, the presents are the presents I have and we'll just have to roll with the punches as they come. Our poor family is going through so much (Dad's cancer, Mom's memory, Alexandra's physical and mental issues, Mike's mom's cancer/sister's a-hole husband/brother's GF might have a brain tumor, Peanut is having health issues and might have to be put to sleep), and it feels like this holiday is just going to be hard.

I know I shouldn't take it out of food. But that's my thing. :p

My brain is gray like the day

It's gray and rainy here today, forecasted for this weather through Christmas. My dad is at the hospital for a procedure to try to get rid of the tubes in his back, but none of us are hopeful it will succeed. I'm worried he'll be sick and out of it for Christmas Eve. My sister is stressed out about coming, her husband's family is also having lots of health issues to deal with, and while I want them to come for Xmas, having them come also complicates lodging and the family dynamic. My guts are in knots, probably because I ate lots of dim sum on Saturday (but eff it, I'm still going to eat what I want in moderation while I'm here) and I'm sad that I had to buy new bras, underwear and clothes to fit my expanding frame. I'm trying to take it in stride. I let myself sleep more this morning, and now I'm trying to plan my day... working out? shopping? watching TV? Don't know yet. I certainly can't go to the beach or to the pool to get some sun! But I know that this is just something to process through and to acknowledge the feelings and then move ahead. Sometimes it's just easier to make myself busy busy but then I guess that's when I end up eating to cope. A friend of mine said she's been more depressed lately and it seeking some "chemical" support. I've though about it, but that feels like a crutch just like the food.

I have forced myself to start eating my binge foods in front of my parents in hopes that they become less stigmatized for me, but it doesn't necessarily keep me from overeating. And I still sneak food a bit. But, it's a step that feels positive to me. Maybe if I can take little steps like this - and eating more things I want to eat while still respecting my body - that the "when" I conquer this dumb ED/CE disease will come faster. I hope so. 2015 is looking to be a tumultuous year, and I need to figure out how to manage through it all.

Ok, off to start my day... at 10:00 a.m. My gray brain says slacker, but the wiser me says I'm just cutting myself some slack...

Mom Anxiety

Being around my mom gives me major food stress. She doesn't eat much, is super skinny and is very passive aggressive about cooking. I hate that she is so slow about serving herself, and that barely eats and that she doesn't even sit all the way on the chair, as if she's ready to bolt off any minute. She either cooks waaaaay too much food or so cooks so little that she seems to imply what portions I should be eating. I lost it the night she cooked two small steaks and one baked potato for three people to eat.

I'm angry at her because she is so thin, and it reminds me that I am super pudgy right now.
I'm mad at the world because her memory sucks and she frustrates me and my dad with her forgetfulness.
I'm sad because she can't express how she feels about my dad's illness and the loss she is going to suffer when he dies.
I'm frustrated by her seeming to judge what I do and how I do it.

And most of all I'm pissed at myself for letting all of this cause me anxiety that makes me eat. I'm trying to let it go, be kind to myself and be ok with being overweight for right now. Someday I'll get a handle on this, I'll learn how to express my own emotions, not stuff them down with food. Until then, I'm trying to remind myself to be patient with her, and with my feelings. I hope they subside.

Trying something new

It doesn't seem like my attempts to not binge are going that well... Clothes getting tighter... Exercise need ramping up. ED voice loud. But I am trying to be nice to myself, not be so negative in my head. I'm hoping it will make something change inside of me but it's hard. The knee jerk reaction is to say mean things to myself, to beat myself up. I feel mental anguish when my physicality feels bad...clothes too tight, plodding along on a run.... And the voice says that I'm a failure, that I should punish myself. I know I am punishing myself with food by I also have to admit I like eating. At some point I'll hate being fat more. Until then I'll try this being kind to myself thing to see if it makes any difference.

Willful eating

Yes, I've read all about mindful eating. Today was full of willful eating instead. I'm almost embarrassed to write this down, but I felt like I need to to be accountable and to have a record of all the ways this ED is getting to me.

It started with breakfast. We did go to Zippy's and I was pissed because I wanted French Toast but didn't feel like I could/should order it. So I had rice and Portuguese sausage... aaaand part of my dad's bacon and hashbrowns. Sigh.

We looked at the bakery and I saw a bunch of stuff in the case I wanted to eat. As well as a cake I wanted to order for Christmas since my dad said he liked it (food is love after all :p). Even as we were driving out of the parking lot I was hatching a plan to come back and order the cake and maybe have a pastry.

After a very frustrating shopping trip with my mom, which made me frustrated with myself because I couldn't contain my irritation with her, I dropped her off and walked to the Zippy's. I ordered the cake and three pastries: a filled malasada, a flaky donut and some other thing that was new to me (my excuse for ordering it). I ate half of each while walking to the Walgreen's to get photos when I happened upon a shave ice/ice cream shop that had vegan ice cream. Coco monkey and lilikoi banana pineapple were sampled and then two scoops put in a bowl. I highly enjoyed that ice cream while walking to my next errands.

A friend came to visit my mom and dad and when snacks were put out, even though I wasn't really hungry I ate plenty of hummus, rice crackers, apples and also drank a bit of wine. Then it was time for dinner. I said to myself that I needed "real food" so I had some soup and salad. I wasn't feeling satisfied so I had half a toasted tortilla.

Then I was being drawn to the pastries again. I made the excuse to eat the malasada saying the cream would go bad. Then I ate more the donut and picked at the no-name pastry. Right now I'm hoping that my parents go to bed soon so I can heat up and put some jam on no-name.

All this while I'm feeling my skin expand, I look in mild disgust at the fat by my elbow, and worry that my clothes really won't fit tomorrow. I'm feeling a little helpless in all this, but still petulant like a kid who doesn't want to be told what to do. Willful eating, not mindful.

doing nothing

I like this post by Martha Beck: http://marthabeck.com/2012/02/making-time-for-nothing/

I need to fill my time not with surfing the internet, eating or watching TV but with doing nothing and being ok with it.

Eating, just eating

Kind of hard day today... went shopping with my dad and he was so tired and sort of loopy towards the end. I left him in the car to run a last errand and when I got back, I could see he had been crying. At dinner he said his memory was getting bad and that he thought it was part of the cancer and that he hated it. He later said he hated having the tubes and the bags and that he never wanted any of it. I wonder if he would have let himself die of kidney failure if Christmas hadn't been coming up. We tried to let my mom practice changing his tape after he showered and he was getting frustrated at how slow she was and how she wasn't quite getting it. So I saw tears coming out of his eyes as he laid on the bed waiting for us to get finished. I rubbed his arm a bit, but I'm not sure if that helped - this is the part I'm so bad at. The emotional stuff. He's better at it, being able to hug me when he caught me crying (about being fat and feeling I don't have any control over my awful ED) and console me until I pulled myself together. I feel like I'm learning how to be parent to my parents only they are cognizant of their need to be parented, unlike babies who don't know any better. It's weird and distressing to me, but I want to help both of them so I'm trying to get better at it. I think the physical side and the emotional piece are going to get harder and harder as my dad gets closer to death. I'm not sure I'll be able to handle it, but I'm going to try.

I was doing ok with eating the last few days, at least not bingeing and I was proud of myself and happy to see the numbers on the scale not going up again. But I blew it tonight. Ate too many chips after the shopping trip, ate too much dinner because it tasted good and my mom makes way too much food sometimes (although the times she makes too little, that irritates me too because I feel like she's making some comment about how much I should be eating), and then I ate too many pineapple spears. The final piece of lack of self control was that I brushed my teeth and flossed, but then fell asleep on the couch watching TV. When I got up, in a bit of haze I dove into the nut butters and a sunbutter bar. Ugh. Big backslide.

We have to go out tomorrow morning because the cleaning lady is coming and so we're going to brunch at Zippy's, a Denny's-like restaurant that's super popular in Hawaii. I want the sweet bread French toast, but that's a no-no since it's full of allergy foods, so I'll probably have rice and some piece of meat (also probably laden with allergy ingredients) instead and then I'll be pissed because I couldn't have what I really wanted. I've been trying to be less rigid about food and I do have mild symptoms because of it, but I'm not sure my system can deal with the bread. But I desperately want to eat it. Isn't that sad? I wish I didn't care. But I do. I want to eat what I want to eat, but I can't anymore. Anymore than I can keep my dad from croaking. I hate not having control over my life, my disease, my body. It scares me that I'm going to die from inflammation that turns into cancer or some other disease, but then I think I should just eat what I want instead of living forever and succumbing to whatever dementia my mom has. No matter what the path, it doesn't seem like a good option.

But, to not end on a horribly depressing note, I am glad to be here to help my dad and my mom and to spend time with them. It's hard, but I think it's worth it. And I think someday I'll learn how to stop all this overeating, bingeing, stuffing down feelings with food and being angry about my lot. It's just taking longer than I want it to. I just can't lose hope that it will happen. I hope the universe is hearing my requests for help and to bring grace and peace to me and my family.

Off to bed now... I think tomorrow may be a hard day and I need to not be tired.

So fat, so sad

I hate my body right now, my fat legs, the roll on my stomach, the lumps on my thighs, my too big boobs, my blobby arms. I can't stand the way I look and feel. I know the answer is to stop eating but I'm having such a hard time with that. I keep telling myself that I'm learning and I'm practicing but really I feel like I'm failing. I'm trying to write, text people, call friends, etc. I've been trying a bit more to figure out if I need to sleep or read to combat the urge to eat. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Tonight I obsessed about eating chocolate, but didn't. At least not yet.

I cried today about being so pudgy and doughy and my dad found me in my bedroom crying while looking out the window at a rainbow. I'm glad he didn't ask why I was crying because "I hate being fat" is a terrible answer while he's dying. I suppose the fatness is linked to the food which is linked to my unhappiness about him dying (and my mom being so memory challenged) but at the surface, the emotions are about how awful I look and feel in my clothes and in my skin. I don't know how to "feel" my emotions any more than I do without turning into a hot mess every single hour of the day.

P.S. I bought a bigger bra because mine don't fit anymore but I can't bring myself to take it out of the box or wash it because it feels like I'm giving up and admitting I have no control over this.

Food anxiety makes Francesca grumpy

I'm having anxiety again about eating too much... what to eat, when to eat... I hate watching people eat, I hate hearing people eat.

I'm trying to figure out how to cope without turning to food. It would be so much easier to not eat. Once I start, I don't want to stop.

Right now I'm struggling with wanting to stuff myself full of food. Turkey that I spent $ on that's going to spoil (like the other deli meat that's spoiled in my parents' fridge because I buy stuff that's not full of chemical preservatives). Toast that's yummy, warm and comforting (which I'm eating right now, actually). I can feel my pulse rising and my breathing shallowing because I want to eat but I know it's a danger area for me, and because I feel guilty about it.

Tonight we are going out to dinner and I hope it's pleasant. I've decided that I don't want to make a big deal out of my food sensitivities and I hope my mom doesn't either. I hope that don't have a meltdown when I get home for some reason and binge.

Someday I want to just feel happy about food again. Not all this anxiety. I want to stop stuffing my face all the time, and I want to eat more healthily. I just don't think now is the time since I keep making plans to diet and eat better and I keep blowing it. It just seems like some form of self-flagellation to keep that self-destructive cycle going....

I hate that I'm like this right now. It takes away from my time with my parents. I'm not present because I'm thinking about food, food issues, etc. I know my ED is taking a negative toll and I'm working towards changing my habits, but it's so so hard.

triggers galore

such a yucky day... So many triggers....
food at Costco
my mom being stingy about buying food I want
watching ballerinas in halter tops and remembering how I used to be that thin once
seeing women thinner than me at the beach
seeing the fat rolls on my stomach in my bikini
talking to my mom about dinner
stores not having the food i want
watching my parents eat
seeing how thin my parents are
seeing all the fat people here and worrying I'll look like them someday
my friends not understanding my ED and giving lame advice like exercise more.and eat less


ugh

Bad binge and fallout

Yesterday I was anxious all day. Not sure why. Maybe it was only getting give hours of sleep. Maybe it was being gone for to long and feeling guilty about it. Maybe it was feeling the pressure of having no place for us to stay since our free house fell through. I don't like watching my dad fail physically and now mentally. I don't lie seeing my mom being so confused and absent. I don't like seeing them fight. I dont like getting angry phone calls from my sister. And I hated seeing how doughy I look in my swimsuit and my yoga clothes. Seeing the fat on the back of my arms in my t shirt. Feeling the fat on my thighs and butt. Having my bra squeeze me. I thought about taking a xanax to help with the anxiety but didn't since that's "bad" coping behavior.

I hate being fat, I hate that I can't control my eating. But I tried all day. I had good intentions for going to bed early but didn't. Instead I stayed up to watch a documentary on sleep deprivation. (irony alert...)

After my mom went to bed the feelings of dissatisfaction set in: my body, my dinner, what I can eat, my feelings of not being helpful, my parents' health failing, sucking at work, etc. So I said "just a little pineapple", then it was into the sunbutter with a bar... spoonfuls of the sweet gooey yummy stuff. I was horrified to see that more than half the jar was gone already since I'd opened it recently but that didn't stop me. The weird thing is that after I ate it, I felt like I could breathe again. I hadn't been able to breathe fully all day, even at yoga which usually helps me open up.

I might have stopped then but I decided I should finish watching the sleep deprivation documentary even though I was tired and started falling asleep. They said that sleep deprivation makes you eat more in general - up to 500 calories a day even after just a couple days of less sleep. Well, that's totally me... to keep myself awake I started eating. See the irony? I did the handfuls of cereal thing which kept me awake but didn't satisfy me. So finally I added some rice milk and had a proper bowl of cereal. And that was it. I went to bed after that (not right away but I didn't keep eating, at least).

I slept like crap, and when I woke up, I could feel the fat on my thighs and stomach touching my nightshirt. I miss the time when I came here and cried looking at myself in the mirror because I was so skinny. Now I want to cry because I'm so covered in lumpy fat. I miss the days when I had no cellulite, my clothes would hang off me, and people would look at me in envy. Now I look at myself and see the jowls on my face, and while I know that no one would say I was fat, I feel that way.

I debated whether to work out and finally decided that lying in bed would be better for me since my legs and back are sore. But when I got out of bed, it was definitely "on the wrong side". I was super crabby at my mom, who was just being herself (giving me directions in a bossy way, telling me my suggestions at Costco weren't "correct"). I could feel the anger coursing through my body. Of course I want to eat. I want to take a Xanax. I want to go back to being an anorexic and controlling all the shit my life by not eating. But that's not the right thing. I just don't know what is.

I have to figure out a coping mechanism that doesn't require me to run off to write or call people so I can spend time with my parents and not rat hole myself away in the guestroom. I have to figure this all out so I can cope better when I have to go back to work, when my dad dies, when my mom needs help moving and sorting out her "new life". I want to be thin again, to have a good relationship with food and with myself. I'm just so frustrated right now I don't know what to do.

Other than get more sleep, because apparently that makes you fat. :p

Anxiety

I ate a little too much for breakfast. At two I wasn't really that hungry but I had a smoothie and a bar. Then the bells went off in my head. I'm bad because I ate when I wasn't starving. I wanted peanut butter on the bar but know I shouldn't have it because I've gained weight. While I still do better during the day, when I start eating I just don't want to stop. My pulse started going and my head got consumed with ED voices.

Now I'm dealing with voices telling me I suck because I haven't worked out yet, it's not sunny now, I haven't been swimming in a week, I'm going to be so slow when I get home, etc.

Having an ED sucks BT. I just want to be normal again. Well, thin and without all these voices in my head. I don't really want to have a "normal" body. See, the ED is talking again...

Failing

I'm gaining weight.
I'm not writing a great eulogy for my dad (that he could read before he dies).
I'm feeling guilty about not being at work.
I'm not getting buff.
I'm not figuring out how to support my family during this horrible time.
I haven't found a place to stay.
I'm not going to OA meetings or listening to podcasts.
I'm not writing when I have "feelings" (if I did all I would do is write)
I'm mean to my mom sometimes
I don't always want to talk to my sister when she calls.
I can't decide whether to use periods or not in this post.
I'm not rising to greatness in this darkest hour.
I'm not getting enough sleep.
I'm starting to slip into old "put Francesca first" habits.
I'm just feeling like I suck and I don't know what to do about it.

Night Eats

Night eating still plagues me. I perhaps overeat a bit during the day, but nighttime is still the worst for me. It's not anything necessarily happens at night (maybe my mom and dad bickering sometimes) but I still end up grazing quite a bit. Tonight: chocolate-covered fruit after dinner (an apricot, half a pineapple round), then a couple spears of pineapple while watching TV. After a while, I really really wanted a pecan bar but didn't want to have to wash the container. So I ate ice cream instead. But then my mom annoyed me and I ended up eating the pecan bar. Which was really, really good. And perhaps what I wanted in the first place.

I'm definitely getting pudgier, and I'm trying not to be obsessive about exercise because it takes me away from spending time with my dad and mom. But I want to be thin. Although clearly not enough to stop eating. :(

ARGH

The time I put work on the back burner and I get burned for it:

- I missed open enrollment for benefits so now I'm stuck with stuff I don't want for 2015... that includes having WAY too much money in FSA and having to go to a gym I don't like.
- Chris emailed and asked what my plan was vs. me being proactive on it.
- Not being on top of expenses, invoices and vendor SOWs which puts me on the "bad compliance" list

Sigh, I hate when I'm not organized, miss stuff and get screwed for it.

This is why I'm such a slave to my email.
And why I think I suck.

Depression setting in

I can't stop eating
I dropped the ball on something at work
My sister keeps telling me she plans to kill herself
I feel like I haven't been very helpful here
Our plans aren't going the way we want them to
I feel like I should go back to work

I hate feeling like this
And guess what ... it makes me want to eat to stuff down all those feelings. :(

Super Angry

We were supposed to be staying in a 9 bdr house of a "friend" of my dad's. The deal was supposed to be that we could stay in the au pair's quarters through Thanksgiving because her kids were staying at the house through T'day. Then supposedly we could move in to the main house for the rest of December. I say supposedly because I just talked to the woman and she now says we can only stay in the au pair's quarters which won't work because (1) it's too small for Sis, me and Mike, (2) the bed is too squishy for Sis to sleep in, (3) and it doesn't have a full kitchen so we can't cook. I super angry because this was supposed to be our home away from my parents' home for the next month and now we have to start looking for another place to stay during the busiest and most expensive time in Honolulu. But more importantly, I'm angry because this woman totally went back on her promise to my dad and I don't understand how you could do that to someone who is dying of cancer. Why did she even offer in the first place??

The funny part is that I always felt like it was too good to be true, and I'm just pissed that the world isn't being nice to us right now. I'm already having angst, sadness and depression and to have this happen just sucks.

Now I have to go put on a happy face for my parents when really all I want to do is get back in bed and cry...