Late night

I've been having trouble sleeping... getting to sleep, staying asleep. Tonight I was exhausted and proud of myself for getting into bed after only some mild overeating for dessert and then I woke up at 2:00 and couldn't go back to sleep. My stomach hurts (gluten?) and I have to pee a million times (corn?) and somehow I decided that eating sunbutter and sunbutter bars would help me? How, why?

I'm going to end up taking a Xanax (not an Ambien since that will lead to even more eating) and I hope that will put me out.

I'm trying to cut myself some slack because this is such a hard time but I constantly think about food, my fat, and my desire to stop using food to cope. I think I'm doing a little better, but clearly not doing that well. I keep circling back to the fantasy about losing weight through this but really I need it to teach me how to cope without eating otherwise, I'm doomed to not fit into any of my clothes, to hate how I look in photos, and to being at a weight that makes me feel uncomfortable physically and mentally.

how do i be different?

I'm trying not to eat to cope... But I'm not sure what to do instead. I know I'm supposed to acknowledge my feelings and digest them (haha) bit sometimes I can't either because people are around or I just don't have the energy. I feel like watching tv, reading, etc is "avoidance" and exercising is also a usual way to go. So how do I do this differently? How do I take what happened last night, what's happening now and do something productive without making myself want to eat or yell or retreat? The family dynamic is so hard to break. Food is love, food is comfort, food is how we gather together. Now its weird because M dad and mom dont have any appetite, my sister eats crap and I pretend I'm on my allergy free diet that I hate and have been breaking too often. But I have to do something because I have to.learn how to cope without food. The next year isnt going to be easy and I don't want to turn into a blimp. Maybe I'm covering up my feelings about what's happening with my feeling about my fat but I also think that fitness is one of my values so I can't throw it out the window and pretend it doesn't matter. Maybe its just the second order bit instead of the first.i already feel guilty going to the gym when I think my dad might emerge from his bedroom ready to engage. But I also know its a good stress relief and makes me feel good. Is that so wrong? If so, please suggest something else. Because I'm struggling with all of this.

Tonight Sucked Too

Huge fucking drama tonight. My sister had a freakout, was yelling at everyone, saying super crazy stuff, upsetting our dad. I get that she it under stress but all of us are. I feel bad for her, but she isn't always rational. Our dad is dying and she wants to talk about how awful her life is. I know that it's not good, she's sick, doesn't work, is married to someone who irritates her but now isn't the time to worry about that shit. She told me I'm a horrible person: selfish, stingy, only concerned about how I look and exercising, and how much money I make. She threatened to kick me in the stomach. She made my dad sad and tired, she made my mom sad, and she made me angry. And I think she's the one being selfish.

Sigh. Why is our family so screwed up?

Luckily I don't want to eat right now... my guts are already in knots from previous events and ill-advised potato chips at dinner which I ate too many of.

Today sucks

My dad feels crappy and has been in bed all day

My sister is angry at her husband and says they need to get divorced

My BIL is nowhere to be found (he probably is driving around HNL or back at the house she was supposed to go stay with him but won't)

My mom is cooking food I can't eat (cheese, salt) trying to get rid of food in the fridge

I have a melancholy so profound that I can barely move

But at least I don't want to eat...

Stuffing

Last night wasn't good. It took forever to get errands done at the grocery store and Long's and my sister and I bickered about food and her need to get back in the LONG line after we were done shopping for family food so she could buy food (junk food) for herself and her husband (who is staying by himself in the house she was supposed to move to on Thursday but hasn't because it might not suit her back or allergies).

When I got home, my mother had finished making the pasta dinner I had suggested I make (because she hates having people in her kitchen), yet had totally neglected to cook any gluten free noodles for me. I was having a "low protein episode" as we like to call them, and started to yell at her about the noodles, not having water boiling for the broccoli, for cooking enough pasta to feed eight people, not three and one guy who has cancer who can barely eat. Then my sister yelled at me for yelling at my mom. My dad gets annoyed when we fight, and that makes me feel like it's worse for us to be here than not.

I could feel the urge to eat coming on, angry eating, and I tried to turn it off over dinner, but it crept in. I ate seconds, and kept grazing on broccoli and pasta sauce until the end of the meal. And then I had a few more forkfuls of noodles from the leftovers I was packing up.

I tried to stem off the desire to eat a bunch of junk by having a cup of passion fruit tea and a piece of stem ginger (stem off, stem ginger... ha ha ha). But after the movie I ate 4 pieces of See's candy that are not only calorie laden but also have "forbidden" ingredients in them. I didn't feel entirely bad about thought, it seemed manageable, and might have been had I gotten into bed right after taking an ambien (I haven't been sleeping well).

But I tried to get some work done, got frustrated and then started in on the other foods because my inhibitions were down and I was agitated about work stuff.

I finally slowed down, my sister came in to see what was going on (thank goodness I'd cleaned up) and the ambien really kicked in so I went to sleep.

I felt icky this morning, of course, Weighed 2+ lbs more than yesterday and although I wanted to restrict, I ended up overeating a bit because I was tired and sad.

I don't think it's good for me and my sister to be here if we fight all the time. It saps my dad's energy and ours. He's not doing well and I feel like he's been getting more tired since we've been here. We're keeping him up too late, taxing him with our issues, and exasperating him with our quibbling.

I'm mad at myself for bingeing and wish I could stop this stupid, pointless, harmful behavior. Getting fatter is not the answer. It's not going to pad me from what's happening. It just makes me feel ugly, unmotivated, and like I have no control. A stuffed butterball....

Fantasy World

I'm living in a fantasy world that somehow this time in my life will help me solve all my compulsive eating problems, will make me lose weight, will help me figure out what to do about my job, my living situation, etc. Really it will still just be life. And it will be hard when my father dies. And I don't really know how I will react. So I just hope I can be nice to myself and to others in my life. And that I don't balloon up like a huge porker because I don't know how to express my emotions (I wish I could with my dad), I don't know how to do good self care (ok, I have gone running and napped, but I'm flailing in some other areas) and I don't know what I want my life to be going forward.

It's easy to think about life as I wish it could be but the reality is that's not how it will be... and I have to accept that and move on, just like I have to accept my father's cancer, my mother's dementia, my sister's depression, and my own issues with food (physical and mental). I like escaping to a fantasy world, but in the long run I can't live there....

Breathing is hard

I mean that in a literal way... for the last few days I've been having a hard time catching my breath, feel like I'm wheezing and can hear the air being forced out when I exhale. I have to force myself to take deep breaths or my breathing becomes so shallow sometimes that I get a little lightheaded.

I'm not doing very well with my emotional control and I'm trying not to cry all the time or in front of my father. It's so hard.

Of course, I'm still totally obsessed with how heavy I am, how much I'm eating, what I'm eating, and beating myself up about it all. I wish I could give my fat to my dad so he wouldn't look so thin. (I want to give him color too - he looks grey and washed out. Like he's fading away.) I want to go work out but I don't have the energy and feel guilty about going.

I was hoping I'd lose my appetite while I was here so I could lost weight. I keep reminding myself that that's not the point. I'm here for my dad, and it shouldn't matter what I eat or don't eat. I shouldn't punish myself either way. But the voices are too loud. I hate being me right now. Fat, unhappy, unfulfilled, sad.

A friend of mine said that once my dads "passes" that I need to get back to living. I want to get back to being normal. I'm so tired of being a food freak. I'm just tired, period.

panicky

I'm fighting off a panic attack right now. I'm so fat I can't breath. I want out of here, out of my life. I want to go home, get in bed, and just sleep. But I can't. So I'm hyperventilating practical and fighting off the urge to take a xanax because I think it will put me in a coma.

Lack of purpose

I have no purpose, no passion. As I have in the last few years, last night I also felt a sadness that comes from feeling like I don't have a reason to be here. I'm not saving the world, I'm not forging new territories, I don't have kids to raise.... I'm just a lump of humanity living on an earth that's dying and when I die no one will care or know any different.

I want to go back to bed. But I can't because I have meetings and work to do. But what does it matter? Am I really "empowering people and businesses"? And to what end? So we can all bury our heads more in technology? Be more busy? Feel guilty about spending time with friends and family and in nature instead of working? Is work my sole purpose here? I hope not.

It makes me sad to think that all my stuff will just be junk once I die. No one to give it to, no one who wants it. I guess that means I should just get rid of it now so no one has to deal with it. Or give it to someone who might care now.

It sucks to feel this purposeless, worthless. This sad.

Gratitude: I'm grateful that I made it to work on time!

Denying the truth

Maybe the reason I keep putting off a decision about when to go visit my dad is that I want to deny that he's dying. I know he is, but it hasn't really sunk in and in my head and in my heart I don't want to believe it. I have a hard time imagining life without him. He's been such a good dad, a friend. I've valued his persepctive, wisdom, curiousity, POV, humor, and love. He's an anchor, a compass, and someone I've relied on for so many years.

In addition to missing the person, his absence will leave me and my sister to care for our mother and that seems like a burdensome task. It makes me feel terrible to say that but it's true. I know she will be cared for if she gets into the assisted living facility but there is still a level or caring that we'll need to provide, plus interacting with her probably on a more regular basis since she won't have others to call her, visit her.

It makes my stomach hurt thinking about it all. It makes me want to go eat the carton of ice cream I bought earlier. It makes me want to cry. It makes me want to crawl into bed and just go to sleep so I can forget all of this is happening.

I wish I had my shit together so I could be stronger for my family. That really hurts. And now I'll probably go eat that carton of ice cream. :(

#4 Gratitude: I'm grateful that I work for a company that has good benefits.

Left with my truth

The truth is I just want to eat. Sigh.


Had a really good intention to just eat dinner and have a small bowl of ice cream. That turned into a big bowl of ice cream (400 calories), a packet of chocolate hazelnut butter (180 calories), and two pieces of toast with coconut oil (200 calories). No wonder I'm a huge pudgeball.


I'm also tired because I say up way too late. And then I have fantasies about not going to work. What does that say about me?


I'm hating myself every day, not wanting to go to work, not wanting to exercise, not wanting to see friends, just wanting to sleep and eat.


I should probably work on the sleeping (says the person typing away at 1:13 a.m.) and perhaps the eating will be less aggravating.




#2 Gratitude: going to my OA meeting and feeling supported in my current situation.

Bursting

I feel like I'm bursting out of my skin, having gained way too much weight in the past few weeks. I don't recognize my face when I look in the mirror, I feel uncomfortable in my clothes, and I hate the feeling of my body right now in so many ways. I had this goofy thought that maybe this is my way of trying to burst out of this life that doesn't really fit me anymore, that I don't like anymore and that feels so out of control. I also know that I'm reacting to the stress of what's going on with my father and mother and sister.


My body is not happy right now (itchy, bloaty, crampy, achy) and it's got to be more than what I'm eating because even though I've been eating outside of my food sensitivities, it's not enough to cause this much grief without another contributing factor.


Ok, I've decided that for November, I am going to make my "highs" (which I've neglected to write about recently) my gratitudes to say thanks for what is going right in my life when so much else feels wrong.


#1:  Grateful to have run in to the zookeeper that gave me and my friend a behind the scenes animal encounter with red pandas and a cheetah today. Very serendipitous and so cool!

FOB

I'm in full on binge mode right now. I should've sat down to write 45 minutes ago but I didn't. But even with PB and spoon in hand I'm doing it now.


Why am I eating? What are the feelings I'm stuffing down?


Felt fat and self conscious all day
Was snippy with a coworker
Late to meetings
Feeling dumb and inadequate at meetings
Thinking the person who works for me is better at my job than I am and I should just quit and give it to her
Wanting to exercise but feeling obligated to spend time with my friend who came from out of town
Buying candy for kids I don't even know makes me mad
Tired
Stupid tight squeezing my fat legs
Feeling dumb at my boss's house, especially when someone asked me "how old are your kids"
Eating food there that made me feel yucky
Being pissed at my sister for bailing on the event we had scheduled tonight with our friend
Having to send back the food I ordered because it came laden with eggs
Being cold all night
Compulsively eating the pumpkin bar I bought earlier even though I'd already eaten too much today and had two packs of gummy bears after getting home
Drawing what was supposed to be a soothing bath but I ended up putting too much cold water in so it was lukewarm
Knowing I was going to go on a grazing binge and not wanting to stop it
Feeling tired and defeated by food
Not knowing when in the hell this will ever stop
Knowing the scale will be even higher tomorrow.


:(