Feelings about work and food

Clearly there's a connection between my job and eating. I eat because I'm stressed or don't want to work. I know this job is wreaking havoc on my mind and body and yet I'm committed to it somehow. Like I want to prove I can do it, that I can be good at it. Even if the self-talk in my head is mean (so much "you suck" running through my brain) and comparisons to others makes me feel unworthy and like a failure. And eating because of my job is making me gain weight... and I *hate* being overweight. But I keep going at it. You'd think I'd just flake on everything, but no, here it is 1:17 a.m. and I'm still up (and will now miss barre class) because I had emails to do and PPTs to write and I couldn't make myself stop. I feel bad because I'm not more productive. I screw around a lot during the work day so ten I stay up late to compensate. I wish I were more strategic and logical so I could figure out what to focus on and what to ignore. I really wish I had more of a growth mindset so I could stop beating myself for not knowing stuff and just opening myself up to learning - wasn't that what this job was about?


I realize that I need to stop using food to cope in general but I also need to decouple it from my job. And that feels about as hard as it's going to be to get a promotion when I don't even feel like I'm worthy of my current level. "Fake it til you make it?" But when will I ever feel like I made it?


The odd thing is that there is evidence that others think I'm ok/decent/good at this job but I can't accept it. It's a fleeting nicety that satisfies my soul for about a minute, and then I doubt myself again. Doubt isn't even the right word, it's downright hate the fact that I can't be more excited about my work and good at assimilating knowledge or facts. I vaguely like parts of my world, but the hard core business stuff... I just don't care enough.


And so I use food to cope, to take time out of my work day. I medicate myself with it, I amuse myself with it and every day I hope that the next day will bring a different mindset. About work and food.

My friends irritate me

Why are so many of my friends now skinnier than I am. It's driving me crazy. I hate being the pudgy one. It irritates me to see them. It irritates me to know they can stop eating when I can't. It irritates me that I size them up every time I see them and have flashes of anger towards them. I irritates me when they tell me how I look good, because I bet they are gloating that they are now the skinny ones. I long for the days when I was all muscle, lean and athletic. I don't care about having boobs, I don't want to be curvy. I want to be a stick like they all are.


If I didn't like to work out so much, I'd stop swimming and going to barre and yoga because I hate looking at myself in my bathing suit and yoga clothes, with the pudge rolling out everywhere. But it makes me happy to move, and if I have to avert my eyes from the mirror, then so be it. But it still bugs me to remember what I used to look like.


The worst and stupidest part is that it just makes me want to eat more. Makes no sense at all.


But someday I'll be skinny again. I just have to figure out how to get there.

I'm on the verge of being a food addict...

Signs of Food Addiction

Researchers at Yale University's Rudd Center for Food Science & Policy have developed a questionnaire to identify people with food addictions. Here's a sample of questions that can help determine if you have a food addiction. Do these actions apply to you? Do you:

• End up eating more than planned when you start eating certain foods --> YES
• Keep eating certain foods even if you're no longer hungry --> YES
• Eat to the point of feeling ill --> YES
• Worry about not eating certain types of foods or worry about cutting down on certain types of foods -->YES
• When certain foods aren't available, go out of your way to obtain them --> YES

The questionnaire also asks about the impact of your relationship with food on your personal life. Do these situations apply to you:

• You eat certain foods so often or in such large amounts that you start eating food instead of working, spending time with the family, or doing recreational activities. --> NO, BUT I THINK ABOUT FOOD IN ALL OF THESE SITUATIONS
• You avoid professional or social situations where certain foods are available because of fear of overeating. --> NO, BUT I WORRY ABOUT OVEREATING WHILE THERE
• You have problems functioning effectively at your job or school because of food and eating. --> NO, BUT I WASTE TIME AT WORK BECAUSE OF FOOD

The questionnaire asks about psychological withdrawal symptoms. For example, when you cut down on certain foods (excluding caffeinated beverages), do you have symptoms such as:

• Anxiety --> YES
• Agitation --> YES
• Other physical symptoms --> NOT REALLY

The questionnaire also tries to gauge the impact of food decisions on your emotions. Do these situations apply to you?

• Eating food causes problems such as depression, anxiety, self-loathing, or guilt. --> YES, YES, YES, YES
• You need to eat more and more food to reduce negative emotions or increase pleasure. --> YES
• Eating the same amount of food doesn't reduce negative emotions or increase pleasure the way it used to. --> YES

So what do I do now?  :(

Why can't I get my shit together?

I keep screwing up at work. Late to meetings, not prepared enough, behind on news and events. My technology is always messed up (crashing hard drives, cracked screens) and I can't run a meeting for the leadership team without something going wrong. I'm frustrated that even when I'm on track to do something "right" that I fuck it up somehow. For example, I went to the wrong building this morning, so I've missed the opportunity to have face time with a new SLT member and be present for meeting my boss is running. The worst part is that I kept saying "Go to City Center, Go to City Center" and then I went to Lincoln Square instead. ARGH. Oh, and I missed a concall at 8:00 because I totally spaced on it.

What is wrong with me? Why am I like this?

It makes me so sad and disappointed in myself.

Why I eat

Tired
Bored
Lonely
Tired
Feeling sad
Upset
Tired
Empty
Angry (that I'm fat, so why the hell am I eating?)
Itchy
Annoyed
Want to feel full (fulfilled?)
Tired
Feel sick, so punish myself by eating more
Inadequate
Wanting more
Like the taste
Like the texture
Like the temperature
Last thing wasn't satisfying
Because the food will go bad
Because there's just a little bit left
Comparing
Soothing
So tired...

EFT Webinar

I''m not sure I believe in "Tapping" but the webinar about losing weight and negative emotions about food reeled me in. Wow, I really do have emotions running thought me.


Tapping Tree:

Symptoms:
Want to lose 12 lbs
Want to eat less compulsively
Not motivated to exercise
Not happy at work
Want body to feel better
Want mind to be quieter

Talk about symptom while you tap
Talk about the food you want to eat while you tap



Emotions:
Feel frustrated that I can't stop eating
Angry that I gained weight
Sad that I used to be so thin and now I'm not

I feel anxious around food
I feel deprived
I feel guilty, angry, frustrated when I eat "bad" things or too much

I like to exercise
I wish I could exercise more
I'm angry I can't do the races I want
I'm frustrated my body hurts
I hate the way I look in my workout clothes right now
I'm jealous of people who are more fit and thinner than I am

I'm jealous of my friends who are thinner than I am
I'm mad at people who are thin
I feel bad because I used to be that thin or thinner

I don't like my body right now
I feel ugly and lumpy
I don't like looking at myself
I try to accept my body, but it's a lie



My job causes me the most stress
My parents' health in the next stressor
My inability to move forward stresses me out



I have many negative emotions
anger
anxiety
bitterness
bored
depressed
despairing
distressed
doubtful
envious
etc...



I often reach for food: ice cream, chips, chocolate, snacky foods
I often eat too much
I often eat when I'm not hungry
I sometimes make myself feel sick
I feel guilt and remorse after eating



Events:
1. easy to move beyond
2. stick with us, hard to let go of



Family Life: good parents but not very fun
Friends: not enough of them
Teachers: mean, discouraging
School: didn't like it
Puberty: felt ugly, not pretty


Weight: mostly fine, got really fat in college, in Chicago... got thinner which I liked, too thin which was scary but I still kind of liked, and now "normal" but I don't want to be normal


Exercise: like doing it, want to race more, wish I could play vball again, want to do Hawaii 70.3 and run a marathon.



When did this weight gain begin: stressed about my food allergies, angry angry angry, pissed I couldn't leave Rod, made stupid choice about this job, frustrated with myself for not having direction



Beliefs:
I'm not worthy
I'm stupid
I'm fat
I'm too sensitive
I can be happy
I have a weird split personality thing

Losing weight means giving up something I love
My body hates me
I have no self control
I'm a glutton, and a glutton for punishment
I'm killing myself when I eat
I'm killing my soul when I don't

I can't lose weight because: I can't stop eating emotionally and compulsively
I want to lose weight but: I like food too much

I can't eat what I want
I need to deprive myself to lose weight

I need to exercise more
I need to workout harder

I believe my body is broken
It doesn't like me anymore
My body has betrayed me
My body doesn't look the way I want it to look
I don't like having a "normal" body



Change is sustainable only if it's pleasurable
I need to find joy in the journey

Getting clear on what's bothering me

1. feeling like I'm bad at my job
2. frustrated that I'm ineffective (job, computer, house stuff, not overeating)
3. my weight
4. feeling cruddy after I eat
5. being angry when I can't eat what I want
6. not knowing what I want
7. not going after what I do know I want
8. not expressing my ideas
9. feeling like I'm living a lie and being to chicken to change
10. feeling inadequate (job, athletics, weight)
11. being lonely
12. being at work all the time
13. not being able to say no
14. wasting time
15. not feeling connected to my friends
16. not wanting to deal with my mom's dementia
17. not being able to control my eating
18. thinking too much about eating
19. eating being something I look forward to way too often

I don't get it...

I'm managing ok during the day, but nights have turned into ridiculous binge-fests. Grazing, stuffing myself until I feel sick. When I think about what feelings I'm trying to suppress, I don't really know. I'm not particularly upset about anything. I've had pleasant enough days since I've been back from Hawaii. I'm not really sure why I'm eating in such an out of control way. But I have to get control over it because not only did I gain two pounds in Hawaii (where my eating was clearly about being pissed that I couldn't eat what I wanted to there), I've gained another two since I've been home. Sigh.

The sadness

The sadness creeped in at the gym. I thought I should sign up for a gym near my office so I have a treadmill and personal trainer at my disposal. It's new and clean and light and nice enough but something about it's wide open spaces, not quite luxury trappings and slightly odd clientele made me despressed. It felt impersonal and "not quite me". The yoga class was taught by someone who was no better at yoga than the students, the room was too big, the music blaring overhead was distracting. I hated looking in the mirror at myself, my doughy body mocking me from multiple angles.


After leaving, I called my sister who of course didn't answer, blowing me off again. Made the big mistake of calling my mother to see if I could help her with her computer issue. It's clear that her dementia is getting worse and worse, her cognitive skills declining, her speech getting slower and more labored. I find myself getting impatient with her and then mad at myself that I can't be nice. More sad making.


I knew I was going to overeat when I got home. I should have called someone, but I don't feel like talking to anyone. I should have texted someone, but didn't know what to say. "Help, stop me from eating"? Yes, that's exactly what I should have said but didn't.


Because the sad truth is I want to eat. I want to stuff myself. I want sugar and fat and salt and crunchy and chewy and cold and warming and anything that causes a sensation. I guess I want to feel something, I want to feel full ---> fulfilled? Certainly I'm not fulfilled by my life right now.


I probably need to go back on anti-depressants but I don't know who can subscribe them for me, and they feel like a crutch. I should be better than that, and I'm sad that I'm not. I'm sad I'm not skinny anymore, that I'm not always the skinniest person on the earth. I'm sad that I get mad at people skinnier than me and that I like to compare myself favorably to people who are heavy. I'm of course I'm sad that I can't eat what I want to anymore. (Filling myself up with substitute foods doesn't help, but that doesn't stop me.)


I don't know how I'm going to get past all this, and that makes me very, very sad.


I hope that I don't get SAD on top of all this sadness because that will probably do me in...

I like punishing myself

I just did it again - read someone's blog about their elimination diet and what awesome benefits it had for them, and then I went to the link to the book and the website her program was based on and then I thought about how I'm terrible because I'm eating things I shouldn't be eating: nightshades, nuts, FODMAPS foods, too much sugar, meat, "cheat foods", etc. I feel BAD about myself... why can't I just figure out what's RIGHT FOR ME and do that? Why do I feel compelled to WASTE TIME (at work no less) obsessing over what others are doing?

I hate it that I want to eat "bad" foods, that I even think of them as "bad" foods. I desperately want to be thinner, have less body pain and issues, and not think about food. But it's all I do. I feel like the guy in the Scarlet Letter who flogs himself in the closet and wears a hair shirt to punish himself for having impure thoughts.

I don't know why I'm so attached to food, and while I want to be less attached sometimes I just want to tell people to fuck off with their food ideas and just let me be. I'm tired of the noise, the voices, the constant chatter.

I'm tired of feeling bad about myself. And so I punish myself because of it.

Food frustrations

Another high calorie, nighttime grazing session. This one all about not being able to eat what I want to eat. After a mostly-normal day of eating, dessert came around. I wasn't satisfied with what I ate so I ate my way around the kitchen (nectarine, way too many mac nuts, dried fruit) until I finally ate the thing I'm not supposed to each but wanted to eat (a caramac - a no no because it has corn syrup and dairy in it, plus chemicals I shouldn't want to eat).

If I'd just eat the goddamn caramac in the first place, I'd have saved myself hundreds of calories. Or figured out a way to convince myself that not eating it is the right thing to do and have moral smugness about that so I don't want to eat it.

So frustrating.