Of course...

Of course I didn't live up to my promise.

I ate a little too much at breakfast, after a disappointing practice swim for my race Monday (I'll be lucky if I can finish it).

I ate too many mac nuts as an afternoon snack.

I had several helpings of dinner. It was tasty. Something was gnawing at me though and all I wanted to do was stuff myself. I sort of restrained myself but not totally.

I ate chocolate after dinner, when I really wanted ice cream or something else.

And I ended up hoovering trail mix late at night. Why? tired...stressed out...frustrated...

I'm struggling with my balance of being more flexible about food but trying to honor my needs. I don't trust my mother to cook for me - she gets some things about my food sensitivities but not others. And it's not like I'm a saint (e.g., I ate chips last night that probably had corn products in them) but I don't like to eat things I don't have to if I don't want to. E.g, my mom wants steak for dinner tomorrow, I want chicken because it's easier to digest. When I acquiesce and ask how it will be prepared she pulls out a bunch of ingredients I don't want to eat (Lawry's Garlic salt, Worcestershire sauce) but thinks it's all ok because she's going to use gluten-free soy sauce. Which, btw, she has to announce every time she talks about cooking for me.

I hate having to eat out here because it's a constant battle with the clueless servers, and my dad saying "but I checked and they said they have gluten-free options" and my mom asking me what I can eat. And then underneath it all, I really don't want to eat the boring salad - I want plate lunch and shave ice and a lava flow and caramacs and coconut cake and, and, and...

So of course, it's no wonder I'm having coping issues.

But could someone please help me with some coping skills so I don't do this grazing bullshit anymore? Ugh.

Grazing

One of the behaviours I need to stop is grazing at night. I often do it when I've been dissatisfied by my food that day or evening, or disappointed in something or someone. Tonight I did it because I was frustrated with my food experience during our cocktail/hula show outing. Nothing on the pupu menu for me to eat so I had to get a salad from the dinner menu. It was really good (lehua honey dressing!) but I was still irritated I had to make special arrangements for it, and really I wanted to eat the spring rolls and beef kebabs my parents ate.

I was also irritated with myself for eating chips, not only because they have so many calories in them but because I didn't know what the ingredients were. I'm pretty sure they had a corn product in them because my head is all itchy now.

I'm also irritated because I look pudgy in my bikini and I'm puffy from the humidity to boot. Oh, and I have to look at myself in the millions of mirrors in my parents' condo, and I just keep remembering how thin I was before.

It's dumb for me to eat because I'm frustrated with not being thin. But ED doesn't really make sense....

I'll try to do better tomorrow. Famous last words. :p

Abstinence

As part of OA, you're supposed to make a list of things to abstain from food-wise. Here are mine:


Ice cream
Chips
Nuts & nut butters
Any "snacky" foods that are too easy to eat by the handful
Buying food just because it's "allergen-free"
Buying food I don't really need
Planning a binge
Grazing
Eating something because it's just there


I haven't made a pledge to be abstinent yet, but I've been thinking about this list, so I thought I'd jot it down for now.

frustrated

I've gained 5 lbs in the last week


I'm jealous of my friends who are thinner than I am


I want to eat all the time


I can't stop making myself eat FS foods


I have a plan and then I break it


I eat crappy and then feel crappy


I keep promising myself I'll do better but don't


I stay up way too late at night and don't get enough sleep


I have no discipline or will power


I'm supposed to figure out what the feelings are that I'm not addressing but I'm not sure what they are: frustration with myself that I can't figure out what to do about my job?
sadness because I'm lonely?
irritation that I feel like my friends always seem to dog out on me?
anger that I can't eat gluten and corn and dairy and night shades and...?
annoyance that I can't change my life like others seem to be able to?
melancholy because I can't cure my sister, father, or mother of their illnesses?
anxiety because I don't really care about my job?
depression because the world is going to shit and I feel too tired to help change that?
yearning for my old body, my old mindset?
shame about my ED/OA issues?
distaste for the way I've allowed myself to gain weight?
powerless over food?
jealous because I'm no long the skinny one?
upset because I keep buying things I don't need?
dejected because I can't show people my true self?


Frustration like this sometimes makes me do dumb things, like buy a house I didn't really want, hire a contractor I had doubts about, buy diamond earrings when I don't need them. I need to channel my frustration another way, but I don't know what path to take. Story of my life....

Can't stop

I just can't stop the compulsions... it's so frustrating. Nighttime is especially bad.
Most days I get through the day without stuffing my face, then it's a free-for-all.
I guess I should think more about why that happens.

I'm supposed to call people when these feelings hit, but I don't like doing that.
I'm bad about writing first, processing my feelings, and then deciding what to do.
I feel like even if I did that, I'd still choose to eat.

I want to be thin, but I want to eat.
I want to eat what I want, but I can't because it makes me feel icky.
I want to go back to eating only "super clean" foods so I can see if my body is happier.

I feel weird right now and I don't know why.
I guess I should just go to bed, like I tell myself every night.
Sleeping is the only time I don't obsess over food.  :(

Ok, off to bed now. I hope.

What I'm Really Feeling

Last night I wrote about how I keep repeating the past... falling in the hole.

I write, which is supposed to help you, but it doesn't seem to.

Is it because I don't talk about the real feelings? The reasons why I keep having "behaviors" whether that's the thoughts that run crazy through my head or the eating, the grazing, the stuffing down with food or being a little obsessive about exercise?

Probably.

So here's what I'm feeling right now, as I'm struggling to get back to work after lunch, as I want to eat a pile of cookies or chocolate, or anything that will medicate me a bit....

Had lunch with a colleague who is successful, loves her job, rail thin, and now I find out is a triathlete/open water swimmer. She's faster than me, of course. Looks better than me in a swimsuit, now that I'm 10 lbs over my desired weight. Can actually race, which I can't because of my back. I feel inadequate, lame, a poseur, a loser. I don't like my job, I'm not that good at it, I keep making mistakes, I hate feeling like I have to work all the time. All these thoughts burbled up in me as I at my salad with the chicken I feel bad about eating because I should be a vegan, and now my body doesn't feel good so of course there's something in it I shouldn't be eating. I hate being myself some days.

I keep flip flopping about what I should do about this job. Half the time I want to keep, even feel a little excited about it. The other half of the time, I want to run out the door and never look back.

I'm having an anxiety attack and I don't know how to make this icky feeling go away... Medicating myself with food is easy and comforting. I know it's not the answer, but right now I suck at self care. I feel guilty for sitting here writing vs. working. I want to go for a walk but have the same guilt. I'm always behind at work and making mistakes so taking time from it feels wrong.

Ok, enough writing for now. The saga that made me want to eat last night (issues with my sister and her illness) will have to wait....

Repeating the Past

Every night it's the same thing... the incessant craving for ice cream, promising myself I won't eat anything else, logging my food because I think seeing the calorie count will keep me from eating. But it usually doesn't, and I graze my way through until I finally get into bed.

I also always promise myself that I'll go to bed early but I never do.... If I could get into bed, I wouldn't eat. I'd get more sleep which means I'd be more mentally agile and recover physically. I'd have less cortisol in my body which would mean less stress and less belly fat, too.

But I keep repeating the past, making the same mistakes. I'm trying to have a growth mindset, and I keeping thinking, "I'll get there someday." And I hope I do...

BTW, I weighed 119 today and that made me happy. I hope I get there again someday as well...

HALT!

So I talked to my therapist today about the HALT method, where you're supposed to ask yourself if you're:
Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired
before you eat anything.


Tonight, not hungry after a big pig out at Happy Hour plus ice cream after swimming.
Not really angry, maybe frustrated with myself for still being up late when I'd planned to come home and go right to bed.
Lonely, yeah a little bit but odd that I am after socializing tonight.
Maybe tired, yeah, ok, tired.


But of course I didn't HALT my eating. After already busting through my calorie limit for today, I just went and ate peanut butter, some cereal and a piece of toast.


My therapist says the food isn't about the food, it's about the changes in my life I need to make but don't. Maybe I wanted to eat because I started working, and got a little upset that I'm feeling like the rest of the week will be busy. Maybe it's because I couldn't decide if I should extend an invitation to people at work for a Friday afternoon drink from my fridge - worrying that no one would want to show up (like the last time I made a similar invite, when about 3 people out of 30 invitees showed up). Maybe I'm more tired than I think after swimming and my body wanted fuel. All I know is that I wasn't really hungry and now I feel a little sick, and I'm disappointed with myself again.


How am I supposed to get to race weight like this?
How will I look good in a bikini in Hawaii?
How will I feel happy with my body when I see it in the mirror?
How will I stop comparing myself with others and being upset that I'm not as thin as they are?
How will I learn to stop using food to medicate myself?


I don't know. I guess I just need to figure out what feelings I'm surpressing/repressing so I can stop this crazy behavior. I wish I could so I could HALT being such a freak about what I put in my mouth.


P.S. I feel particularly lame about this entry because I just saw my therapist today - shouldn't that buoy my motivation to be better??