Jelly donut

I don't eat jelly donuts but there is one sitting on my belly. It jiggles, it wiggles, it protrudes over my pants and sticks out in dresses. I haven't seen the jelly donut in a long time. The last time was when I lived in Chicago and I was desperately unhappy about my life. I guess I'm in the same place now. I've cried almost every night I've been on this trip. Cried because I'm overwhelmed by my work, cried because I'm exhausted, cried because I can't believe I've let this happen to my body.

my guess is that by the time I get home and weigh myself I'll be over my panic weight by about 5 pounds. I've been eating more because I'm tired (lots of Coke because I get sleepy in meetings and the coke in Europe has real sugar in it) and I've wanted to sample the local cuisine (Iberian ham and Italian prosciutto...yum!) and sometimes I go overboard. I dont feel horrible about my eating, but But I'm scared that my rings don't fit anymore, a jacket stretches uncomfortably across my back and shoulders, and my watch is snug. A photo I took with a friend shocked me because my face is so round and pudgy. Compared to two years ago I look like the usual blobby American than the slim athlete I aspire to be.

I don't know how I'm going to course correct. Part of me wants to flee, like I fled Chicago, to see if quitting my job would help. Another part of me wants to take on the challenge of learning to channel my frustrations outside of food. I keep flopping back and forth like a fish gasping for air. And sometimes I do actually gasp for air when I go into panic mode about the situation I've gotten myself into.

My job is only going to get more stressful in the next month. In the next week alone I have to finish a keynote speech, write a worldwide priorities memo, write two emails to 4000 people and figure out the logistics to send them, start and finish a research project, write a blog that's overdue, and write my review. I need to decide what my "talk track" is with my boss. This is an inflection point that I could take advantage of and use to tell him I'm not happy. That this job is killing me. I'm conflicted about having this conversation for reason, but it dominates my thoughts. Well, when I'm not thinking about the jelly donut.