On the road...

For someone who's been a mental health advocate (and wanna be champion) for several years, I've been oddly silent about my own struggles with mental health issues: depression, anxiety, and eating disorders. 

It's the last that's prompted me to start this blog because my ED therapists are always telling me to journal but I hate doing it. After writing them many impassioned emails, I figured out that it was because I don't like writing in a book that no one will ever read. It's just like me wallowing in my own mud hole. Having encouragement, support, and friendly words (or the occasional kick in the but) is what I want and need. I want my words to be read, my thoughts to be heard. It sucks to be silent.

As I approach the 2nd anniversary of my descent into the ED hole, I decided to start writing because I've been struggling. A lot. Out of control eating, mood swings, self-hate. I wish I could be anorexic again. I know it's because I'm not happy in my job, my life, but I've decided that I can't just ditch the things that don't make me happy because there will be things that I can't control that make me unhappy and I need to learn how to cope without using food like a drug.

I have no idea how often I'll post or how long it will last but I thought I should give it a whirl. I'm calling the blog "Highs and Holes" because of the below poem my first ED therapist gave me. I think about it a lot because it's about the journey, about learning how to see the hole, get out of the hole, avoid the hole,  and eventually not even encounter the hole. Highs refers to the minor wins I want to remember to document and celebrate, the road I want to take, and the way I want to feel about my body and my life.

So there it is. I'm inviting you in because you've been a friend. Thank you for your support.

Autobiography in Five Chapters

by Portia Nelson

Chapter 1

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost... I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

 I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

 I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in... it's a habit.
My eyes are open,
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4

 I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5

 I walk down another street.