I don't know what to do

I hate my body.
I hate my job.

I think I need to get out of this job but I don't know how to do it gracefully and without making myself feel like a loser.
Why am I so weak? Why can't I step up like other people do?

I know I need to stop eating so much but I don't know what else to do instead when I'm tired, stressed out, crying, have a nervous breakdown.
I know I need to be working right now, but I'm going to work out because I ate too much today, I looked at myself in the mirror and I hated what I saw.

I spent all day thinking about my fat rolls and how much I hated them and could other people see them and were they thinking I was fat and my clothes were squeezing me and I hated not being thin.

I got frisked at the airport and I hated having someone touch my fat. It made me cry.

I miss my old body - any iteration of it...thinner, fitter, skinny, screaming skull face. It's all better than how I look now and how I feel now.

How did I get myself into this situation and how do I get out without totally ruining my life?

I'm afraid that if I tell my boss I don't like my job, he'll tell me to just suck it up and I'll end up sucking down so much food that I'll be morbidly obese by the end of the year.
I'm afraid I'll have to quit to save face.
I'm afraid I'll never get a job again like my friend who quit MSFT a couple years ago.
Why did I do this to myself? Why did I take this job? Why didn't I listen to my intuition that it wasn't going to be the right fit for me?
I know I need to be authentic but how do I tell my boss that I know this job isn't right for me because I've gained 20 lbs since I've started it? That I'd rather workout than work?

Crap I just looked at myself in the mirror and I can see the huge fat roll protruding from underneath my workout clothes. It's so awful. How could I have gained 40 lbs in a year and a half? I know I was too skinny back then, but I'm so disgusting now.

I'm probably scaring anyone who reads this but it's how I feel. And everyone says you're supposed to talk about how you feel to make progress. I just feel like I'm falling deeper and deeper into the hole again. Only this time there is no adulation for being skinny, just a fat face looking back at me from the mirror, wondering where the thin, successful girl went.

Ok, enough blubbering now. Time to get to the gym, get into bed, and get back home tomorrow. I hope that I figure out a way through this next day, week, month, year... Life is too short to feel this bad about myself.